Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Stormcloud]

My husband has suffered from anxiety and depression for a fair chunk of his life. Things go along alright but as soon as there is any extra stress things just fall apart.We are in a really bad financial situation and there's no real end in immediate sight. The weight of it mostly rests on him. We live in a different state to his family and he blames me (although not in as many words) for not seeing his family much. I don't know if it's always bubbling away and he keeps a lid on things or if just pops up every so often. When it's bad, he losses control and breaks things. He has smashed a number of phones and household items over the years. I hate him for a moment when he's does things like that. When he's settled down, he says things like "you don't want to be with me" and "you're scared of me". I tell him I'm not but the truth is, at times I am scared that he will lose control and hurt me. I am positive he would never ever hurt me in his normal state though. I also find it hard not to resent him when he opts out and goes to bed. Today he was home all day. When I got home from work, I cooked dinner, made lunches for tomorrow and will feed and bathe our daughter. He's in bed because he's tired. He's a shift worker and is always tired. Nobody else is ever as tired as him. I'm just tired too.

I think the problem is that I don't understand his reactions and sometimes don't recognise that his actions are a result of his illness. I just don't know how to seperate his depressed actions from him. I love him desperately and just want him to be happy.
I don't even know what I want from posting this. I just neededto get it out.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Stormcloud,

Welcome the SANE Forums community. Thanks for sharing a bit about your situation, and I hope the process of writing it out helped a little.

From what you've written it seems like you're dealing with a lot. It's a tough situation to both be a partner and care for/about some who has a MI. Knowing where the illness starts and ends is hard. It takes one understanding person, like yourself, to take this into consideration, when people's behaviour are challenging. 

One thing I know about depression is that motivation and energy levels can drop. It's not uncommon for depression to co-exist with anxiety, and the two together can have a pretty significant impact on a person's level of functioning. You may want to check out some of the symptoms on the links provided. You might also find  @Lucky2015's dicussion, 'Separating the person from the illness' useful. I wonder if @Lucky2015 has any thoughts to share? @Shaz51 also has a partner with depression, who finds it hard to get motivated. She might also have some advice to offer. 

One thing you mentioned about your partner's aggressive behaviour sounds concerning. Yes, people can get angry, and this is ok, but it's not ok for people to feel frightened by someone's behaviour. It's important that people know the impact that they are having on someone else. If they don't know, then there's very little opportunity for them to change their behaviour because they might unaware of the impacts. I understand that you don't want to worry your partner, particularly when he is feeling vulnerable about how you feel towards him. My suggestion would be to pick your timing to have an open, and supportive conversation. 

@Stormcloud may I ask how long have things been like this? And is your husband linked in with support?

CherryBomb

[Stormcloud]

Thank you for the reply Cherrybomb. I will have a look through those threads.
In response to your question, this has been going on (on and off) for about 10 years now. It's under control most of the time but it comes to a head maybe every 12 months. My husband is if the opinion that once our financial situation is under control, much of his stress will be relieved.
I have asked him to speak to someone many times but he's of the opinion that nobody can fix our finances but us, so talking isnt going to help. He is not linked with any support. I don't even know who can help.
He's embarrassed by his behaviour after it happens and very remorseful.

[Acacia]

Hi @Stormcloud,

Thank you for sharing your story. I just wanted to let you know that when you mention someone in a post, you can use the @ symbol before their name. That way they'll receive a notification that you've replied to their post and will be able to come back and respond.

It sounds like a tough situation with your husband. I hope you find the threads @CherryBomb posted helpful. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Stormcloud, @Acacia, @CherryBomb

When I read your post, I am totally in the same boat , might be a little different but I know what you mean

one of your comments -- I don't know if it's always bubbling away and he keeps a lid on things or if just pops up every so often. -- with my Husband it goes around in cycles , in the begiinning of our marriage I didn`t know what was happening , but over time i have picked up things a long the way and now I nearly know when he is going to fall apart

I am the second wife , and my husband said "you're scared of me". like my first wife "" -- I said " well don`t repeat it " and walked away

It takes time @Stormcloud, I have learnt Not to talk to him when he is like that-- I go and have a cuppa outside , ect  , i try to stay calm , which is very hard ,

my husband can not stand crowds, or social outings , so in these times i have got him to chose which outing he would be ok at

I am thinking i am talking too much , but please ask me any questions that is on your mind

[Nirgal]

Hi @Stormcloud,

I recognize a bit of what you are saying, I'm married to a, at times, very anxious spouse who is getting treatment for depression. The depression got so bad that she needed hospitalization, this is where things started to get better as she started seeing a very good psychiatrist. He did'nt really do that much, except listen and make changes to her medication. I guess every situation is different, but I found that the way I dealt with it was just as important as my wifes treatment. I had to take ownership of my role as a caretaker and learn how to communicate and set boundries. I sought counselling myself and started doing activities that helped me cope with the stress. I started reading a lot ("stop walking on eggshells", very useful) and seek psychological help for the kids. The situation is now better, but it will never be ideal.  

The problems with my wife's depression got really bad due to a bad toothache that disrupted her sleep, so I guess your husband being on shiftwork may not help! Good luck with your journey.

[Tiggeroo]

Hey @Stormcloud,
Welcome and thanks for sharing your story. Firstly, I am sending you a big hug! I hear what you are saying and I more than understand your feelings about trying to balance, loving your partner with not showing you are afraid. My partner has bipolar and whilst we are in a great place now, we too have been through times where he would smash things for no real reason, he was involved in a car accident because he was angry and destroyed his car, he has threatened me to the point where I have had to call the police to have him hospitalised. When he had calmed down and would say "you are afraid of me" or "you should just leave", you don’t want too agree because you are there to support them, but in the moment you think "what the hell am I doing here?". its very hard.

For me and my partner, his irrational and exaggerated anger was curbed by medication, but rectified with a whole heap of therapy with a clinical psych. is there any way your husband would go and seek help from someone? there are free services available or ATAPS funding through Medicare (speak to your GP) which can eliminate the financial stress of the situation directly.

Like @Shaz51 said, I too ended up directly confronting my partner, on day he said "you are scared of me aren’t you?" and I told him sometimes, not always, not even usually, but when he is angry, I don’t know him, I do not know if somewhere inside he even cares about my safety anymore. it broke his heart, but I then used that to re-enforce why we were seeking help, that I loved him enough to stay, so he needed to decide whether he loved me enough to continue getting help. Luckily he did, and we are in a much better place now.
@Shaz51 was also right that we, as carers, learn to identify the signals. I know what situations are going to set my partner on a challenging path, so I prepare him as best I can with information so he doesn’t feel like he is going into the unknown, and I assure him that I will be there too, every step of the way.

it has taken time but through counselling sessions together, we have learned to trust each other again. My partner trusts that I will be there to support him and all he need to is talk to me and communicate his concerns, and I trust he always has my safety and wellbeing at heart. I hope your partner is willing to work through this with you.

Keep chatting here and if you have any questions, please ask away

xx

Tigs

[Shaz51]

Hello @Stormcloud, been thinking of you today , how are you xx

Hello @Tiggeroo, @Nirgal, hope everythingis ok

love to hear for you soon