Skip to main content
Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Our stories

shr
New Contributor

Husband with depression

Hi, my husband has treatment resistant depression for two years now. I'm really struggling with the effects this is having on our relationship, the social isolation it is causing and just how I can stay with him if he has it for many years to come as he is not the same person I fell in love with. I would love to speak to other spouses for support and ideas on how to cope. Thanks
9 REPLIES 9

Re: Husband with depression

Hello  @shr

welcome to the forum , I have found the forums very helpful , everyone here has helped me and in turn I have been able to help my husband who had depression and anxiety

take care and keep in touch xx

and sending you hugs HeartHeart

Re: Husband with depression

Hello @shr, welcome to the Forums.  I'm not sure that I'm sharing exactly the same experience as you but there are certainly over-laps.  My partner suffers from depression although I wouldn't describe it as treatment resistant.  It's up and down but yes, I relate to the part about him being different from the beginning of our relationship.  I've probably changed a bit myself to be fair 🙂

What works for me has been to emotionally separate when things get really tough.  Sounds terrible, doesn't it?  But really, deep depression can act like a black hole, sucking in everything around it.  We have a child, I have a job, responsibilities to friends and family.  I can't afford to get sucked in too far.  I need to be well.

So when his mood drops and stays low, I'll offer support.  Talk to him about what's going on.  Reassure him that he's still important, essential to us.  But on the inside I check out a little.  I don't really know how to describe it clearly. I guess it's like going into self-protection mode.  

Would it help to give yourself permission to do that?  You don't have to live it with him.  We can be alongside but still looking after ourselves.

The social side of things is trickier.  There may be things you do without him.  Just include him where it's really essential to you.  Social interaction is so draining for people who are deeply depressed.  It takes so much more effort to just keep the basics afloat that this often feels like an ask too far.  Understanding that has made it easier to make allowances and find compromises.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation @shr?  What really keeps my relationship strong is that my partner tries to shield us.  Is your husband the same?  Or could he do more to protect you and your relationship?

 

Re: Husband with depression

I also have a partner that suffers from depression. Her depression is caused by a stressful family situation that is not going to go away, and I also suffer from the same situation. I used to come home not knowing if my partner might have given up and committed suicide - dreading to find her deceased. We now have children and she has told me she struggles to decide whether the kids would be better off without her, but always ends up in favour of living for them. I find it difficult to cope, especially tying to keep it together for the sake of the kids and support them emotionally when I am depleated. I am at a loss and hoping to both give and receive suport in this forum. Lets look after each other.

Re: Husband with depression

I know how you feel my husband had an episode 10 years ago which I thought was bad but it was a walk in the park compared to what we are going through now. And yes I say we because it affects you as well as the sufferer. The past 9 months have been hell he has been admitted to 3 different mental health units, too many different medications to mention have been tried along with 12 ect treatments and apart from the fact he sleeps at night (due to meds) he is no better. I'm really struggling to keep it together as he is not the man I have loved for the past 39 years. But I know I can't leave as he will end his life if I do. I feel your pain

Re: Husband with depression

@shr I too am a Carer for my husband. He has bipolar disorder but has more depressive episodes than manic. I completely understand when you say he is a different person than who you married. Don't you just feel completely ripped off? I feel like I've lost my husband, best friend, my kids lost their dad, I'm basically a single parent. One of the things I have to tell myself is "I cannot be held responsible for his actions". Although at times I have been v frightened of what he may do, I need to believe this.
The arguments became a daily occurrence between us which was just awful considering we never used to fight and currently he has gone to stay w his parents to put a pause on that. It was v hard decision to make and it's been hard on the kids but it's also awful to watch your parents fight all the time. I know that for a fact. I think the time apart has been helpful for us to both get a bit of perspective and remember that we do care for each other. Our life and relationship is just going to be a hard slog. Having said that, he is still away so we will see how we go when/if he comes home.
I'm not saying that this is the answer. It was just something that we tried and it wasn't all bad. I was feeling so helpless and hopeless and so confused and didn't know what to do. So I feel your pain and wish you all the best. Please let us know how you are getting on.

Re: Husband with depression

Hi shr,

My hubby has only been recently officially diagnosed and thankfully he isn't treatment resistant but I just wanted you to know that I understand as we had 3 years of his depression before now. I felt so independant to him (emotionally, as a parent to our children etc) that I did question whether we should be together and struggled to see the man that I fell in love with. I found I was relieved when he would go away for the night which I still feel guilty about! I am sorry that I can't offer you any ideas on how to cope, I found grabbing some "me time" helps keep you topped up when you start feeling overwhelmed by it all (coffee with friends, night out, walk - anything you enjoy). It is hard Heart

Re: Husband with depression

Heya @shr,

Welcome to the forums,

My partner has Bipolar and like @CLA mentioned, he has more depressive episodes than manic. In fact, we are in the midst of one now, hooray!

You need to take time for you, do something you enjoy, and just for you. This helps create not only physical but emotional space for you to ensure you are travelling ok. It is really hard being the support person, but if you are here asking for help, you are obviously on the right track. I like to take myself and my book out for a coffee, or i walk the dog and chat on the phone to one of my friends back home (we have just relocated interstate).

You also need to find a way to detach a bit, which may seem hard but i have a rule that unless the world is ending (litterally or figuratively for my partner) he doesnt make contact with me when im at work. This allows me to throw myself into my job and not think about home life, which gives me an emotional break from things too.

Try and set some boundaries to give yourself space. And keep chatting here, there are always great suggestions and listening ears (or eyes) to be found.

xx

Tigs

Re: Husband with depression

hI Kearo, I have just joined so I apologise if this is a short reply. i'm just gaining my bearings and finding posts that I connect with. two things you have said that I can associate with are "if i leave he will end his life" and the ECT treatments not working. My partner/ ex partner, we are on again off again, attempted when I ended the relationship and is now suicidal again and i've ended things after a scary explosive outburst from him recently. to be fair we have been on again off again for a year. its still new. he is about to start ECT this friday as he is treatment resistant and dangerously suicidal, he has checked out and this is an attempt to save his life. did they say why your husbands treatment didn't work? has he has another round of it? I see your post is old, I hope you are ok. 

Re: Husband with depression

Hello @shr, @Tiggeroo, @lollipop, @CLA, @Kearo

Hello @topsy-turvy

hello and welcome to the forum , I see you are getting around

You are not alone my friend xx

I am going over to read your story you put on yesterday xx

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

Further information:

  • Loading...

For urgent assistance