Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Butterfly1]

Hi, after joining a few days ago and reading your stories, I feel that I would like to share mine and hopefully get some feedback from others who may be in a similar situation. 

I raised my children on my own from the time that my son ( I'll call him P) was 7. Because of all the guilt I carried about not been able to provide him with the caring and loving dad that he longed for, I overcompensated, trying to make life as easy for him as possible. When his father left to live in another state with his new partner, when P was 12, he was totally devastated and cut himself off from everyone.  Although P said very little at the time, I believe he felt totally abandoned by his dad so again I tended his wounds!

P, who is now 25, has been suffering from anxiety/depression since he was in his mid/late teens and medicated on and off since 19. His latest episode though, makes me question as to whether he is really experiencing this to the extent he says or he is manipulating the whole situation.

He had a knee operation about a year ago and came to live with my partner and I a couple of months after surgery. When he first arrived he decided to go and see the forces(army) in regards to registering. They knocked him back firstly because of the depression and then also the knee. He put himself to bed for about a week and wouldn't get out, until he worked through this where once again we paid for and I did, everything for him.

I got him into a physio over here and once the physio told him he wouldn't be able to ride a motorbike for at least 6 months, he took himself off to bed again because he was upset. (He had some money saved from selling a car that we had left him and had made a decision in his mind, to buy a bike). Now that he couldn't buy a bike he decided to go to the UK on a 2 year visa and work there. (Very spontaneous decisions and when made, he becomes totally focused on them).

My partner and I talked to him about going for a month to see if he liked it then if he did, he could get a job back here, save some more money and then do his Visa, as he did not have much to sustain him for more than a month over there. As usual, he knew best and wouldn't listen so in September last year, after taking from both of us emotionally and financially, he took off to live in the UK.

Fast forward to February 2016, when I get a phone call saying he has to come back to Australia as his knee is playing up so he hasn't been able to work, his spent the last two weeks in bed and he has no money at all. He said he was going to fly into Sydney and admit himself into a psych unit. Of course I couldn't let him do that, as I'm his mother and meant to be there for my kids, so I told him to fly to WA instead and come to us. When he got here I booked him into see a dr who put him on antidepressants and sent him to a psychologist. I have bent over backwards to make life as easy as possible for him so that he can get back on track again.

He believes he can't work because his knee hurts and he won't take any painkillers. He has managed to spend probably 7/8ths of his time here in bed although he can walk (there is no bone damage) and is quiet capable of doing things for himself if he chooses to.

He sends me text messages telling me he wants a coffee brought to his room and rather than coming to make it, he will send another and another and if I don't respond, go without. He has had days too where I have not gone near him and he just chooses to go without food. I hate this as he is always complaining about all the weight he has lost so I feel huge guilt in my stomache if he goes without.

there have been times over the years where he has become abusive and I find I am walking on eggshells with him, doing what I can to not push him too far as I don't know what his mental state is. Whenever I start to talk to him about getting off the computer where he watches WWW and other similar things (in bed like an invalid) he tells me his mind isn't capable of dealing with anything else and he can't have this conversation now! I have been hearing this for six weeks now.

He also talks about how bored

My partner feels he is taking advantage of my good nature as all we have done since he has arrived is cared for him on every level.

He is a wonderful man but has got to the point where he wants him gone. He told me again this morning that if he doesn't go out and try to get a job, then he has to leave. 

Talking with my son has always been difficult but every time I try he either tells me he can't have this conversation now or I feel so intimidated I get tongue tied. 

As I write he is still in bed and I am not going in. When he sees doctors or psychologist he comes across as a very capable and quite mature 25 year old.

To us he is acting like a spoilt 5 year old and seems to have the mentality of a 15 year old.

Thanks for your time. Really appreciate hearing from any one who has been or may have been experiencing anything similar.

[suzanne]

Hi @Butterfly1, thanks for sharing your story here in the Forums.  I reckon there'll be quite a few people who can relate to aspects of your story.  My own child is still in primary school so I've no personal experience with older children.  However, I've worked with many clients whose children were struggling and living well below their potential.  It must be so frustrating and saddening.  The added pressure of your partner now weighing in will have made it harder again.

It's very interesting that your son presents well to his doctor and Psychologist.  Do you know if he's being honest about how he's spending his days?  No psychologist would endorse unnecessary bed rest for a young man with depression as it goes against everything we know to promote recovery. 

Part of the condition is to feel unmotivated and to want to socially isolate yourself.  However, giving in to that desire in the long-term only deepens the problem.  Being physicall and socially active - the very opposite of how he is choosing to spend his days - helps us get and stay well.  Plus, the confidence and mood boost from some type of work or study (paid, voluntary or a hobby, it doesn't really matter) can make a huge difference.

Are you able to go to a joint session with his psych?  I doubt your son will be keen but he may agree if you present it as just you needing to know how to help him.  Once there you need to spell out his real situation (people sometimes tell their psychs what they think they want to hear rather then whats actually happening) and come up with a plan. 

The plan is likley to set out some 'baby-steps' where he doesn't feel over-whelmed but is starting to widen out his life again.  Small physical, social and work goals along with more positive thinking and better ways to manage his moods.

There's no doubt that he's not making the best choices right now. However, it'll be easier for you to help him change if you have agreed on a plan with his psych or GP.  Otherwise it's just you against him and that's tough for any parent.

I hope there's something in here that helps.  Do you feel that it would be possible to join him in a session with one of his treating team?

[Butterfly1]

Hi Suzanne, thanks for your reply.

I did go to his second Psychologist session with him a couple of weeks ago. We spoke about anxiety/depression all together because I do want to understand where he is at so that I can support him in whichever way is necessary for him to start living again.

I did express my concerns about being in bed all day and he did say at the time in front of her that he was really working on turning himself around and getting to a better place but the words do not seem to match the efforts made. Over the last few days he says he has not been sleeping very well at night so he has been rising at around 1-2pm. Today it was 4 when I finally gave in and went in to be told he was just about to get out of bed. I suggested he have a shower and then after eating something we would go for a walk.  He made a coffee and said to me what should I have to eat? I told him that he could have whatever he liked from the fridge, cupboard but because I didn't make it for him, he still hasn't eaten. It is now nearly 6pm and still no food since last night. I tried to talk to him on the walk and his response was 'what are we having this conversation for'. When I told him that we think it is time that he get off the computer and maybe start putting more time in outside or thinking about getting out and finding some kind of work to do, he told me that I don't know how he feels inside his head and that was that.

The psychologist and I have both spoken to him about getting onto sites like beyond blue and such to read how other young men have coped. He acknowledged that this could be a possibility in front of her but when I suggested it when home he told me he knows how he copes and is not interested in knowing anyone else's story.

He has an apt to see a knee specialist but it is not until the end of June through the hospital. He was told by the dr that if his knee gave him grief that he could try and move the appt forward for him.

These are all things though that he has to do himself. I do my best to get him out walking but he usually won't. The psychologist suggested he go swimming which means I have to take him to a pool somewhere as he wont do it without me. I told him the other day that we would go but he wasn't interested.

He has just told me that he is supposed to be going swimming but I haven't taken him yet.

There is never any responsibility taken for anything in his life. 

He has just told me he has been in contact with his cousin in NSW and he wants to pay for him to fly over and visit for a week. He thinks he will but then is planning to come back here again.

I suggested that he keep going and visit his father in Qland for a while, but again he was adamant that he wouldn't cope doing that.

My partner and I would both like to see nothing more than him take a stand for himself and keep moving but he has no intentions of going anywhere.

I am so confused by his behaviour as he seems to be fine and able to get on a plane and fly across Australia to visit his cousin yet the idea of getting out and doing something with his day just seems beyond him.

[Appleblossom]

@Butterfly1

I have a son a little younger than yours and have posted a lot about our relationship on this site.

Some of his behaviours have been similar, but I have always tried to get him to take responsibility, and get involved socially, even if it is only token.

It is important to distinguish between serious states of MI and manipulation.  A few times I have told my son directly when I have been feeling used or manipulated, and that tends to get him more active. 

I have also used humour and hyperbole and overstatement to get a point across.

I think it is fair that you let his natural state of hunger generate a move out of the bedroom, into the kitchen, but I wouldnt be bringing in any more coffees.  Is he seriously low weight?  I watched my skin and bones grandfather work on renovations dont let him guilt trip you.  A grown man can fix food.

My son is working through a division into male and female jobs .. I do both as I am single and run the household .. I have discussed all these things with him.  He is taking on a greater sense of responsibility, though it is pretty slow.

We still have a thing about clearing food dishes and packets from his room ... but neither him nor I ever let it get to out of control.  Generally I try and keep it low key ... but lately I have been letting him know when his lack of action ... creates a nag .. in me ... so I now say ... dont make me into a nag.  He knows its not my usual style.

Note: If my son ever went into a psychotic state again ... I would be there with food fruit and drinks ... supporting him in any way necessary ... it is important to be aware ... but it doesnt sound as your son is in that state ...but I kept it very healthy when he was psychotic.  Paring things back to glasses of water, soup and fruit. 

On the other hand nobody ever truly knows what another person goes through ... I go through a few computer minimisation talks with my son too ... there may be a bit of manipulation ... but it does not mean that the depression is not real as well.

As mum I have had a long hard road teasing out the difference, but it has been worth it.  Maybe he isnt up to a fulltime job straight away ... but you can expect something from him ... its better to expect something than to kow tow completely.