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MoomooJo
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Daughter with undiagnosed mental illness - BPD??

Hi, this is my first time on a mental illness help site. 

I am a mother of a 21yo daughter.  I have a loving husband, an elder daughter and a younger son.  We have lived a pretty happy life.  Financially stressed but stable, and have provided our children with what we considered a privelidged upbringing, i.e. comfortable homes, pets, good food, access to all childhood sports and groups. 

Our daughter was a very unhappy baby.  From day one she had cholic and was a very perky kid (constantly wore a nappy over my soulder).  She cried often - infact most photo's we have of her as a child up to about 5 she was crying.  When she was content she was a bit cheeky - so pretty & smart. 

When she was in preschool she would mumble and talk so quickly that the other children seemed to not understand her very well.  When she was in primary school she would complain that all the girls in her class were mean to her - she eventually would not go to school.  We changed schools and all was fine while she was the 'new kid', but pretty soon she was unhappy again and complained that everyone was mean to her.  In year 5 she was accepted into a private school so we moved her again.  The same pattern continued thru hight school - she was so unhappy that we moved her yet again - all the time thinking we were doing what was best for her as she was so unhappy. 

Throughout her primary and high school years she would never 'conform' at home.  By 'conform' I mean she would never eat what she was given, or do what she was asked to do.  She didn't like ziccini, peas, brussel sprouts, pumpkin etc etc.  Some may say 'who would blame her?' - but our family really like our food - all food.  Even once when I specifically asked her what she would like for dinner: "spagetti" she said.  OK we'll have spagetti! - but when I served spagetti she said 'I don't want spagetti tonight'.  I could never please her. 

When the kids would get home from school I would ask them to empty their school bags.  She would say 'I will!!!'  I would then remind her an hour later, 2 hours later, the next morning...All the time she got crankier saying 'I said I will!!!' - she never would.  By the end of the week several days lunches would be mushed thru her books.  Her room was always so messy and dirty.  I tried various ways of encouraging her, cleaning it with her, but she would never do it property, and would hide rubbish under her bed or in a drawer.

She would beg for a new pet and promise she would look after it - but after the novelty had worn off I would have to look after the pet. 

I asked her time after time to turn her socks in the right way - she never did. 

Sounds like a typical kid eh??? Well maybe - which is what we thought for years and years, but we always thought there was something not quite right.  Our other two children flew under the radar.  Ate what they were served, generally did what was asked of them, respected us their parents. 

When our daughter was approx 17 I found her phone and noticed some strange messages.  (Up until this point I had never read the kids messages - i did respect their privacy), but in these messages she was talking with a boy she didn't know terribly well, telling him how abused she had been and how her father bashed her.  (I knew this was not a fact and i was shocked at how she seemed to believe it herself). 

Often she wouldn't go to school.  For a very smart child (very intelligent) she did very poorly at school. 

She says she's going to study, or do this or that, and I'm sure she believes it herself - but she never follows thru.  She always has an excuse.

When she was 18 she fell pregnant - she eventually had a termination, which she still blames me for pressuring her. (I was in support of it because she was not steady with her boyfriend, and particularly because she couldn't look after herself - how could she look after a child?).  In retrospect I often wonder whether having the child would have been a good thing - though I still do believe I probably would have ended up having to look after her child).  She has been extremely depressed about this ever since.  She tends to blame her depression  on the termination, but she was depressed long before this.  Looking back I can never really remember her being 'happy'. 

Several years ago she was seeing a psychologist for her depression and was taking anti-depressants - but she could never remember to take them so stopped.  The psychologist had considered BPD but was not keen to 'diagnose'.  She also saw a psyciatrist who mentioned that a personality disorder was a possibility, though she stopped seeing her soon after. 

Recently she sent me a stream of texts claiming that we had treated her differently to her siblings (which I agree we had - because she was different to her siblings).  She claims that they got all of our attention, we have always been so mean to her, we have abused her, haven't given her love or care or nurtured her.  She expects an apology for f'ing up her life. Says we used to say that we would be better off without her (which I strongly deny), and that she says she would be better off dead.  I have contacted Beyond Blue and other support organisations in the past, but because she isn't bad enough to get into the 'system' there was nothing they could do.

She has a very supportive caring boyfriend (thank goodness), but she has very few friends.  The friends she does have occasionally she ends up loosing - mainly because she says they treat her poorly.  She plays the 'victum' all the time - but she really believes it.  Whether it is TAFE or Uni who muck up her enrollment or assignments, or Optus who muck up the bills, or friends who let her down, or us who have ruined her life!!  I don't think she actually 'looks' for sympathy but 'everyone' is allways wrong.  She distorts stories, she believes stories she hears without facts, she makes up stories from snippets of info. 

I used to find enpty chocholate/biscuit/chip wrappers in her drawers, or would not be able to find any which I knew were in the pantry - and she always denied that she had eaten/taken them. 

She has always been 'bone' lazy, or what seems to be lazy - but may be the depression.

She thinks she is ugly - she is actually stunning.

She had a bad self-image and chronic feelings of emptiness.

She smokes pot - I think primarily to get away from her unhappy life.

I do know I have 'sparked' with her most of her life.  (I believe I am a very easy going, caring, loving morther/partner/friend - but I have had trouble relating to her - which is very heart renching!!)

I have been researching personality disorders and particularly BPD for many years, and feel I need to do something to help her.  She doesn't live close to us anymore so helping her is a bit tricky.  I feel BPD is quite a good fit (not wanting to put her into a box at all, but just wanting to find answers and help), except for 'abandonment' - although I do wonder if her 'percieved abandonment' fits with this point - as she believes I have not provided her with love or car her entire life.  Also 'impulsivity' x 2 - I could certainly say unhealthy eating has been an issue in the past but can't think of a second, as I don't believe her pot smoking is a huge issue.

If anyone can offer any insights/comments/similar stories or suggestions I'd be really appreciative.  I don't expect to be able to 'diagnose' her myself but I think it is time I worked with her to find a pathway to a happier future.  She knows there is something wrong with her, but I think she is at a loss to venture down that path by herself, or to even know where to start. 

Thank you. 🙂

5 REPLIES 5

Re: Daughter with undiagnosed mental illness - BPD??

Hi @MoomooJo

It sounds like things have been difficult for a long time. 

I am no expert, but there is a condition called "Oppositional Defiant Disorder".  This might be a closer fit with what you are experiencing with your daughter.  You can read up on it anyway, because most information sites also tend to suggest coping strategies, and some of these might be useful to you, whether she actually has ODD or not.

I bought a book last year called "Stop Walking On Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger about bpd, thinking that it might have been what we were faced with.  A psychologist I was seeing for support suggested I keep reading it anyway, because the suggested strategies are useful.  Perhaps they can help you too.  

All the best, and take care.

Re: Daughter with undiagnosed mental illness - BPD??

Hi @MoomooJo your post was an interesting read. It sounds like you and your daughter have very different interpretations of the situation. It kind of reminds me of that saying "there's three sides to every story - yours, theirs and the truth". It is baffling how our own offspring can turn out to be so different to what we expect. It sounds like you really worked hard to help her work through her struggles, yet still she resents you. I don't have children myself but I can only imagine the heartache this would bring, I am sure many mothers on here could relate. What do you think of @Faith-and-Hope's suggestion of oppositional defiant disorder, how does that compare to what you've read about borderline personality disorder? 

 

Re: Daughter with undiagnosed mental illness - BPD??

Hi @MoomooJo

 

great points by @Faith-and-Hope and @Mosaic

It's a really good sign that your daughter realises something isn't quite right - for some people, they don't have that insight, so are less likely to seek help.

 

The mental health system can be tricky to navigate, so it's always good to start with a GP. They are good entry point to the MH system. Maybe your daughter will see this as a reasonably small step and achievable?

 

 

 

Re: Daughter with undiagnosed mental illness - BPD??

My daughter has been on hospital mental health units, psychiatrists and has been diagnosed with borderline, major depression it's hard and I also need some strategies to cope. She also blames me for a lot but I don't accept any responsibility for it. I know the upbringing she had and she has nothing to complain about in that respect. 

Re: Daughter with undiagnosed mental illness - BPD??

MoomooJo, this sounds like an almost carbon copy of our experience. 

I'm interested to hear any progress yuo might have made over the past year.

LAmour

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