Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[querentxyz]

HELLOOOO!!!!!!!

I want to write a post to tell my story about caring for my mother.

I am in my early 30s and Mum is in her mid 60s now. I live with her normally but a couple of days ago I have just moved to housesit for my younger sibling in a suburb that is about 25 mins drive away I think. My sibling has just moved overseas for 3 moonths.

My mother is a survivor of many rapes in her childhood at the hands of a religious. A few years ago everything sort of fell apart completely and she was hospitalised a few times and one of them was involuntary because she struggles with aggrssive impulses towards religious. Mum was diagnosed by different psychiatrists with Chronic & Acute PTSD, BPD, and Bipolar 2. The Diganoses she has dedcided to work with have bene PTSD and Bipolar 2, she says that BPD is a crazy person. Mum has a lot of trouble in daily life. She is profoundly dyscalculic, she becomes very rageful and gggresive. These are managed with a mood stabiliser medication.

For some time we did not have a mental health plan as Mum was resisting treatment, she was saying "I'm better now". She became much more aggressive towards me, saying unkind things. , Then we got back on the mental health plan so things are better now, She is saying a new GP and a new counsellor. Psychiatrists are too expensive for us and it is too difficult to find one nearby who will bulk bill. The psychiatrists have not always beeen helpful in the past. Now She is using the medication again things are better, she is interested in complying withthe medication and recognises it as something she needs. She is fairly noncompliant with the diganostic tools and will not respond to them consistently. Honestly, I don't care about the diganostic tools except as  atool for directing treatment

Life has not been easy. I was having a lot of trouble with depression in my youth & hospitalised a few times in early 20s for chronic and acute depression with psychotic features, I am much better now. ,I am just very exhausted by taking care of my mother, 

I am very tired as daily life is filled with emotional events. Grief meltdowns and rage spirals, and tremendous overreactions to daily inconveniences. There have been troubles in our recent years of a close relative dying and there is always always some additional problem to manage, for example writing a strata scheme

I tried really hard to tie everytingg up at home before ICame to stay here so that I will have some time alone.n, It is very different being alone, It is greatly peaceful.

I have been drinking too much, the problems became ovewhelming I don't think I am an alcoholic, but sometimes I feel like it., There is no escape, the problems wear me down. There is no escape.

I am currently trying to complete a Masters degree and very exhausted. I am not drinking at the moment, I don't really feel like drinking, I am just trying to study. I have 1 week left to go. Iam a bright student who gets high distinctions. I am very tired, I just want to lie on the bed and have a rest. I don' want to study but I need to complete my semester

I am just writing this because I have been feeling very alone. No help I feel taht noone undrstands my life and my sitaution,. I am feeling very tired,and I feel abit unsteady ,The Recent weeks have become really really difficult. I have been feeling for a long time as though running on empty but the recent weeks just, really, very very tiring.

I am currently looking for a job. I am just trying to complete my semester. There isn't much of my degree lef t to go. I am very tired and just having some trouble concentrating., I am really tired, I feel sad. I'm so relieved that I am staying away from my mother for a while. My sibling is no help with every day life at home, busy with own life and does not seem to care much. I am a sensitive type person and it is difficult to protect against the emotional onslaughts., I am tired at the moment adn just trying to complete my semester

Thanks

[querentxyz]

My mother has a disability pension, I am studying to try and create a better life for us, the pension will not be enough to support us in f utre

[Faith-and-Hope]

@querentxyz

So glad you came online to this forum.

Not only are there people who understand exactly the sort of trials you are up against, they can also offer you support advice and recommendations, not only for the care of your mother, but also for the care of you - the carer.  Both are as important as each other in the overall scheme of things .....

You are not alone.

Good for you, pursuing your studies.  Hang in there, it sounds as though you are almost there with that personal goal.  I am sure your fatigue is as much emotional as it is physical.  My biggest issue is with my husband, and when he goes away, which is fpquite frequently at the moment, the kids and I tend to fall into a bit of a heap in the form of emotional backwash.  You have maintained the dynamic to push forward in a contingency mode, and it is only when you have a little more emotional space, and the tension slackens, that the emotional fatigue hits you !

You will need to develop strong self-care skills, if you haven't already, and try to take time out for yourself wherever and whenever you can in order to recharge your own batteries.  Being a carer is draining, and can be very lonely.  This is where these forums are excellent at providing a link to a world of socialisation for people who are otherwise somewhat trapped by their circumstances.  For some it is a physical inability to get out of the house and interact with others regularly.  For others it is an emotional or psychological barrier that challenges them.

In any case, there are people here, listening to you and available to you - some are "chatters" like me 😊 others are moderators or counsellor's who can offer links and practical advice.

Be well @querentxyz.  I will tag you in on "Hot Chocolate Anyone ?" which is a drop-in chat corner.  See how you feel.

[suzanne]

Heellloo @querentxyz!  Welcome to the Forums.  You come across as a very compassionate and caring person placed in very difficult circumstances.  I agree with @Faith-and-Hope, it's often when we stop that it all catches up with us.  I hope that when you've finished your study for the semester you are able to rest.  That rest is what can recharge you for the next bout of caring and study. 

We're a bit like cars in that we need to refuel.  We can't keep going and going meeting other peoples needs and taking care of our responsibilities if we don't stop to look after ourselves at times.  This stint of house-sitting is hopefully your chance to do that.  Three months is a good spell to have a break from your mothers health issues and behaviours.

Are you planning any fun activities amongst the work and study? Things that remind you that you're in your 30's without responsibilities for a bit.  Anything spring to mind?  

[querentxyz]

Thank you Faith-and-Hope and suzanne.

Thank you for the welcome and kind words. I feel very understood by what you wrote and thank you for writing that I am compassionate. Thank you for understanding that this is just my situation and the way that my life is. I used to think that I would have my ownn life, but I think that just made things more difficult, and I think I was just pretending that my Mum could do things without help. And thank you for not telling me that I need to make a bigger effort at setting boundaries or anything like that.

It is surprising me how exhausted I am feeling right now. My eyes keep aching and stinging and my body feels like an old car tyre. I think that Yes, I will need to develop better skills at taking care of myself.

It is very peaceful and wonderful to be alone right now. My mother is still texting me and emailing me with things but I am finding it easier to deal with. One of the hardest things in my life is that crisis will strike at any time, and that there will be at least a time in every day where there is a sense of crisis that needs to be diffused. I am often trying to get rest somehow and I am expecting that there should be nothing to deal with, but that turns out not to be the case. There isn't any security or stability and everything is unpredictable, which makes it very difficult. It often seems as though "anything that can go wrong will", and I never stop feeling surprised by how frequently things go wrong.

I am not sure what a person in early 30s with no responsibiltieis does for fun. My cohort from school are having relationships and travelling, that does not seem possible for me. I have a bit of trouble sometimes figuring out whether I am a person or not, I seem to just be the mechanism that takes care of Mum. I just want to hide at the moment. I really want to hide. I may play a video game. I am halfway through War & Peace that I started a couple of years ago and have not had time to pick up again, I would love to finish that. I don't know what else. I am often feeling very separated from the world, that I am in a little bubble, like inside a christmas bauble or a snow globe, the world moves on without me and I am in the little unchanging bubble, and I am just there in the bubble for the purposes that others have for me to be in the bubble, like the way that someone has a snow globe.I wanted to be a writer but I just can't even think anymore, I don't even have any inspiration anymore. All these people are doing their things in the world, making their careers and making an impact or whatever, but I am just in the bubble. I don't even know what exists anymore,

Well maybe I will start to feel better once I have had a proper rest,

❤️

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @querentxyz

Yes, I think you will definitely feel and think differently when you are rested and not so fatigued - says one fatigued person to another .......

I can really relate to that feeling of needing to be in a state of vigilance because so much goes wrong, and often with little to no warning.  

It also sounds like you are suffering "compassion fatigue".  This time of house-sitting will have you physically removed from a lot of the tension you have been under, and you have a bit of a buffer to deal with things a little more on your own terms when you are emailed or phoned an issue from your mother.  Be gentle with yourself, and breathe deeply.  You are probably shallow-breathing a lot ...... says one shallow-breather to another ....... lol ..... but that is the value of these forums 😊

There is only so much energy that can go into any one day.  At the moment you are studying.  When you finish your studies there will be more time and energy for writing.  You will break out of your snow globe by degrees.  Maybe you can start a "possibilities book" - scrap booking ideas about things you would like to pursue in your life, and consider them as goals for the not-too-distant future ..... some can be simple like trying out a new hairstyle ...... some can be more complex like developing a career plan.

See how you go 🌸

[querentxyz]

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope and I love that idea of the scrapbook. Thanks

[Appleblossom]

Hello @querentxyz

Your compassion and your weariness really shone through your post.

Just hang in there no matter what and get the degree over with .. congrats on getting so far.

I tended down the academic path for a while .. but not at the moment ... after your work on the masters is finished ... Give your self a LOT of R&R before you commit again.  Try different things and see what works for you.

Luxuriate in any peace you get while you have it.

It took me a lot of private solo time to gain my sense of perspective back after I my worst lows.  A lot of time .. years .. but we are all different ... dont forget to listen to you body ... it can guide us in how to take care of ourselves ... and break dow the tendency to be too cerebral.

I also had caring roles for psychotic parents but they were not as well defined as they tend to be today. There is even a concept called young carers .. which wasnt around in my day .. is there a carers group in your state?

I have just started to go out with my carers group and they have a monthly meet with a movie and lunch .. its a good idea as it can be a light distraction ... you can choose to focus on the movie or talk about your caring issues as you need there is no formal group function ... and it seems to work well.

I think it is important to link into some support structure in your local community .. whatever it is .. a gym .. etc

Take Care

[querentxyz]

I really appreciate the responses and I hope it's OK if I write here from time to time. No comments or support required it's just good to be able to talk in an understanding environment.

I have been focusing on my study, it is very difficult because I feel very tired, I got confused about dates and completed the assessment for the other unit. But my teacher very kindly gave me a very generous extension and I am so grateful.

I am feeling over all much better but having some trouble with sleep, probably just because I have a lot on. I have a job interview tomorrow and some professional internship stuff yesterday. Will probably sleep better when the last essay is done.

Mum called me to night and it was clear asking how to spell a word that it became rapidly clear that she was using in an angry email she was writing to stir up trouble with a colleague. I am so sick of writing job applications for her and she just is always starting fights. I always feel like she finds ways to validate her anger behaviour by tricking me into participating in it in some way like by asking me something totally unnecessary like to spell a word. And then I feel betrayed and I feel infected with anger myself. It happens all the time.

My Mum is the angriest most rageful person I have ever met and is always starting fights. She is angry every day of her life. Anger to Mum is the same as oxygen is to me, she breathes it.

I am afraid because I am a very sensitive person, by which I mean emotionally sensitive. The emotions of other people go straight through my skin. I can't keep them out. My mother's anger hurts me. This is the way I am and I don't know how to keep other people's emotions out. They go straight into my core, I can feel them inside. When I get to be alone I can separate them and push them out. But I don't know how to manage this on a day to day basis with Mum, because she is always angry and I can't get away from it. I can't get away from it because she is actively always trying to draw me into it and she will trick me to be drawn into it. She also just plain cannot moderate her emotions without constant help.

While I am staying here I feel no compulsion to drink. I haven't been drinking because I haven't felt the need. But, I feel afraid that when I have to move back home, there will be so much anger and I won't be able to escape again like I could this time, and I will become alcoholic. I do not want to become alcoholic.

Maybe I should do some kickboxing classes regularly, that might be an efficient way to to expel the anger out of me on a regular basis. Or something like that. While I am hear I need to think about making a strategy of how to manage my responses to Mum's anger.

[querentxyz]

I had my interview, it was difficult and I don't think I performed well, but it was a great experience and I learned more about what to do next time. It was my firs job interview in 7 years so considering that it went great.

I found a couple of interesting articles.

One was about coping tips for empaths. I am a bit skeptical of this kind of thing, but actually it rang very true and regardless of what I think of the term "empaths" or of "chakras" or anything like that, I think that this type of reading material has things in it that can potentially really help me.

I was having tremendous difficulty sleeping last night and I found an article about mindfulness breathing to get to sleep fast. It put me to sleep rapidly and I'm interested to learn more about it and experiment with it more. If I find it useful I will write about it on the sleep page.

I am interested in making a manual for myself that could be useful for me in future including the things mentioned in this post and also Faith-and-Hope's scrapbooking suggestion, and other helpful ideas that come up.

Peace