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Rali
Casual Contributor

Broken and at the end of my capacity

Hi, I'm new to this forum, I've been reading a few stories of others and feel I need to share mine, and to ask for some support and to be heard. My partner, whom I have 2 children with, has suffered depression his whole life. PTSD from a childhood which was both abusive and unsafe. When we first got together it took a year before I saw any of his metal health issues, as we lived apart. Soon after we moved in it started showing up, and Whilst I was very compassionate and thought I was being supportive I also had doubts about how I could be in the relationship long term. Free three ears we married and soon after started a family. I've struggled on a daily basis with his depression, the unknown of how he will be from day to day, moment to moment. Things have over the years progressively gotten worse, partly I think as parenting has triggered things in him from childhood. He struggles to get out of bed in the morning, and is extremely disorganised within himself and sensitive to noise or stimulation or when blood sugar is low - almost any external factor can set him into a state. I feel like I am on eggshells all the time, and I also admit I have become critical. Our kids are more aware now (the eldest is 7) and the stress of carrying all this has weighed so heavily over the years that I have become lost, burdened, angry, and deeply saddened by the situation to the point where I don't even know myself. I often snap and am unpleasant to the kids. I have shut off from a number of friendships because I don't feel safe to share what I am going trough. I feel even more pressure to hold the load because my partner is a psychologist and so I feel there is much shame around It. Like what would people think if they knew. So I carry the burden. He has for many years functioned well at work then dropped the bundle at home, and becomes snappy irritable and withdraws from me for however long he stays in it! This is now extremely unpleasant to be around, and lately I find myself thinking of ways I can escape this situation. He rarely socializes and most of the parenting falls on to me. (Like parties or activities for the kids) Our children are even starting to withdraw from him and this is very painful to watch. He knows he has a problem. He has in the past taken antidepressants and sought help from psychologists but it has never been ongoing, and he thinks he can do the work to overcome it on his own. This is not happening. I'm really at a point where I feel so hurt, I want to leave. But I also feel deep sadness when I think of our kids losing their father and our family life - which is unpleasant when he is here most of the time anyhow. I know I sound un compassionate, I'm just at my absolute capacity for coping. Thanks for listening.
7 REPLIES 7

Re: Broken and at the end of my capacity

Hi @Rali

Welcome to our little forum and thank you for sharing your story of living with your partner's PTSD and depression over many years. I don't think you sound uncompassionate at all, just exhausted and sad, and doing your best to take care of your family.

It is harder for health professionals to seek help for mental illness. There's that sense of I should be able to sort out my own problems. However, when someone is depressed, it's very difficult to have the objectivity and energy required to drive recovery. This is where a good therapist can help. My suggestion would be for him to find a therapist (not necessarily a psychologist), who specialises in trauma. There are specific approaches that work best for trauma, and an ongoing relationship of trust and collaboration is vital. There is no quick fix either. It would also be important for you to attend some joint sessions with your partner so that the dynamics of your relationship can be discussed, and the impact of the MI on you can be acknowledged.

You might also consider seeing a counsellor individually for your own support. Build up your support network as much as you can, and prioritise your self care too. This may mean you go out without your partner if he is not up to it. 

Keep posting on the forum and take a look in the other threads as many people here are supporting someone with MI. You will find alot of understanding and wisdom here that may help you.

Take care,

Frog

Re: Broken and at the end of my capacity

Hi @Rali and welcome to the forum. I really feel for you and all that you have tried to keep your family together. It sounds like your partner's untreated mental illness comes at a cost to you and your children. I captured from what you wrote that the children are adapting to what is happening as their 'normal'. Not only do they have a Dad they are withdrawing from but you are aware that you are not able to be the parent you want to be as you become drained from the load that has landed at your feet. I wonder if you have thought of family therapy in order to have the impact of the mental illness addressed by all members of the family. Your partner may then be able to connect to the impact on you all to help motivate him to access treatment. Have you tried a support group for yourself in living with and caring for someone with a mental illness? You may like to consider support for your children also with a parent with mental illness. How compromising for you also to have to protect somehow his professional identity. Mental illness does not discriminate does it, be it rich or poor, a psychologist or a gardener? I hope you get some support from this forum but also hope you can seek out some local support for you and your family. You could start by talking to your doctor about how you are going. Take care and my heart is with you.

Re: Broken and at the end of my capacity

This sounds so exhausting!!!!

It really is sounding like as though your partner needs some help and that he needs to get on some sort of plan to manage these issues!!!

Don't be ashamed of what people would think... some of them may surprise you with their sympathy and understanding and the ones who will not understand don't matter anyway. Try to reconnect with some of your friends if you can... you need that support network! Even if someone could help with looking after the kids for an afternoon, it could be time for you

If you can't do that, it's good that you are looking for support on the internet. There is a lot of support available here and at other places, you can make some connections who can understand you.

Sorry about what you are going through, hang in there ❤️

Re: Broken and at the end of my capacity

Thankyou everyone for your replies. It has been really helpful to write, own and understand this story. I have had an enormously emotional day, I'm also about to start menstruating tomorrow, and it is Dark moon, so I know the energy of thses two cycles are contributing to my feeling like I am at my maximum capacity now. I thik this happens every month for me, right before my cycle begins, and I wonder how much other (women) notice this at play in their own experiences. I spoke with a councellor on the phione for an hour today, and felt I have a few things I can work with. But I know there is a long way to go.

The biggest thing for me at the moment is that I feel so angry with my husband and like I cannot stand him when he is in his darkness (which is most of the time) and I carry so much guilt about that. Guilt that I should be able to handle it, his dark clouds, his irritability, his stonewalling, and withdrawal. Yes Its a long journey......

Re: Broken and at the end of my capacity

I had a husband with a degree in pschology and a MI.  Knowledge can give a bit of insight but doesnt actually give the experience of support or the relived childhood.  The point about objectivity is important for doctors as well ...  I was very compassionate to my partner but felt like you described after a few years and lost it seriously and had to relearn to feel compassion for myself. our marriage did not survive.

Maybe by getting support you can model for him how to get support for himself ... but dont let him dip out of his responsibilities to the marriage and child raising.  Sadly, in the end I was the only one in counselling and we could not afford that much and managing the parenting. 

Re: Broken and at the end of my capacity

Hi @Rali

I have a husband, in denial, with a complex eating disorder.  It has masqueraded as successful weight loss for the last five years, and for most of that time I couldn't even get through to our family doctor.  It's only now that we are all starting to fall down with circumstantial depression and filing into psupychologist's offices that the GP has woken up ... and others are starting to become concerned about my WH (Wayward Husband's) appearance and behaviour ....

It has been very confronting, frustrating, anger-producing, and has impacted all our relationships, causing collateral damage in all directions.  My children are grown - youngest just turned 18 - but with four of the five still living at home, and the wedding of one of them around the corner, it is a constant struggle to keep things on track while he continues to run on his rails to the point of eventually running off them ....

So, without having control over his choices, and now he has lost the ability to see where he is at and thereby has lost control over himself, these are the controls the kids and I have placed in here for ourselves ....

I began reaching out for support services wherever I could access them.  In our state there is precious little without a diagnosis, but looking interstate EDV - Eating Disorders Victoria - not only listened to me but advised me on several things .... first of these is to prioritise looking after myself, because if I go down the whole family will too .... secondly I need to prioritise the kids ba use this is not their fault either and they need emotional support to stay in this dynamic which it is their choice to do .... and thirdly to learn as much as I possibly can about my husband's condition because it is like a beast we are fighting, and it is important to understand it's nature.

From there I began to inform close family and friends.  I tried to speak with his family members, but at that stage they believed his stories that he had doctor approval for the way he was living (some of this was severely bent truth to the point where it was a lie) and that I was jealous of his weight loss and life management success and was trying to undermine him ,... I beleive he fed that one to the GP and I found myself under intervention at the GP clinic ..... extremely humiliating and anger-provoking .... but I am an avid believer in the truth emerging eventually.  And it is emerging.  And now everyone who wouldn't listen and treated me badly will have to face themselves over it.  That's not my problem, but it has provided a lot of clarity within the relationships, I can tell you !!

Last year, with the longevity of our situation, and as it became clear that more people in our lives would begin to twig that there is something wrong, I broadened the circle of people I chose to confide in .... this may result in that message coming back to my husband's ears via one or more of them, affecting our uneasy stability at home, but I have to take that risk for another reason.  If I don't control this breakdown, I will be forced to deal with it more publicly, such as when acquaintances begin commenting on his appearance or behaviour in a group situation.  Informing them privately keeps that from happening ... it will also have the effect of not needing to explain further when it becomes clear he is under treatment, or he suffers some sort of major health collapse, which appears likely at the moment.

Basicaly we are nursing him without his awareness, until something happens to alter this status quo.  It is not easy.  We have chosen to shoulder a degree of emotional abuse, at the same time placing and maintaining what boundaries on that we can, and seeking self-care and friendship support when we are hurting the most.  I have also spoken at great length with a psychologist, whom I return to periodically for updates, but crying on his shoulder regularly just felt like raking over the coals while there is no resolution beyond what we have already done.

So.  I would advise you to seek counselling over what choices you have, particularly with children involved, and create a base of family and friendship support around you and the children.  This is your husband's problem, which he will have to face up to eventually, but you can't do that part for him.  Your job is survival, for you and the children, and containment of this problem if you choose to continue living with it.

i hope sharing my story has helped you.  You will find a lot of very strong and caring people on this site offering you ongoing care and moral support, me included.  

Take care.  Wishing you courage, wisdom and strength on your journey ....

🌷💗💕

Re: Broken and at the end of my capacity

Hello Rali,

 

I am really busy cleaning up my own mess today so have not read all the other responses as carefully as I would normally like.

One thing I want to say to you is: Please throw away that guilt. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. It sounds like your partner is in denial of the possibility of a physiological cause for his depression. We can find it so much easier to accept that someone with a disease of another organ like diabetes might need treatment but not the brain. Which after all is just another organ. 

 

The thing I think is important for you is to look after yourself and your children. Your partner quite likely will not seek alternative treatment untill you stop putting up with his behaviour. This has been my experience. Because of the educational limits it took me 30 years of being in a relationship and carrying the guilt and shame for everything that was wrong. I do not blame my partner or myself for this anymore. My help seeking over the last several years have benefited the whole family including my adult child.

 

Please do not give up looking for help. Please do not allow yourself to be isolated from family and friends. Not everyone you talk to will understand but some will and that is very helpful.

 

 

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