Skip to main content
Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Our stories

Gemini
Casual Contributor

Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?

Hi everyone, hoping to find at least one person who has a similar experience and can offer some advice on how they’ve managed it.
 
My partner of nearly 4 years (we're both male) suffers from depression and anxiety disorders – I also suspect there is something else in the mix as well but he’s never has a proper psych assessment and trying to get him to have one has not been successful so far.  He ticks many of the boxes for borderline personality disorder.
 
We’ve been on a very rocky road that hasn’t been helped by a couple of unexpected deaths in his immediate family and there have certainly been times where I have not reacted to things as well as I possibly could have.  He hasn’t worked for most of the time we’ve been together which puts all of the financial pressure onto me to run and maintain our home. 
 
The work situation and a couple of other things that have been big ongoing problems are now (thankfully) in the process of being worked out and he seems to have gotten himeslf into a more positive and motivated frame of mind.  The hurdle we can’t seem to get past though is the way he behaves when he’s anxious or upset about something.
 
Whenever something comes up or he's having a bad day his default reaction is to blame me for it – regardless of what ‘it’ is.  In his mind he’s already determined what my response should be and if I don’t immediately recognise and acknowledge what ‘I’ve done’ and respond in exactly the way he’s expecting the situation very quickly escalates.  This can mean raging, slamming fists and feet, throwing things and the issue moves away from whatever it was at the start and becomes about my not understanding him and dismissing how he feels.  This can go on for hours, even days until he’s either satisfied I’ve understood what I’ve ‘done wrong’ or he’s just too tired to keep it going – in that case though it usually will resurface the next time something comes up.
 
I’ll readily admit to not having any previous experience in dealing with people suffering mental illness and I have not always managed these episodes as well as I could have at times but I do my best to keep a level head and try to smooth it over.  These episodes can blow up every week or two though and from my own perspective it feels like there is never enough time between them for both of us to recover and focus on the good, positive things. 
 
He’s aware of the behaviour and the impact it has but generalises it as me not being able to deal with him when he’s having a bad day. 
 
On a couple of rare occasions when a bad day hasn’t led to me being at fault I’ve quite successfully and quite quickly been able to talk him through it get him into a better frame of mind.   It isn’t the bad days that worry me, it’s the sense of being under relentless attack that I am struggling more and more to deal with.
 
I’ve talked to colleagues at work that also have partners with mental health conditions and to counsellors but so far nobody has had the same experience to be able to offer much in the way of advice on how to deal with it.  If anyone here has been through anything similar I’d love to know your stories and how you coped.
 
Sorry for the long entry.
9 REPLIES 9

Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?

Hi and welcome to the forum.  I hope I can offer some advice.

The behaviour that you've described does sound very much like that associated with borderline personality disorder.  Regardless of what it is associated with, it certainly sounds very challenging and would make for a very difficult and dysfunctional relationship.  I think it's important to take a step back and not wonder what it is that is wrong with him, but consider that his behaviour is the problem.

My ex-husband displayed similar patterns of behaviour, particularly the blaming and verbal raging.  Naturally this led to a very dysfunctional marriage and family dynamic.  I tolerated this behaviour but eventually came to the end of my tether and decided to see a psychologist with exactly the same searching questions as you - what could I do to cope, help him, etc.  It took many sessions of therapy before my thinking switched and shifted away from me feeling like I had the responsibility to do something about HIS behaviour and for me to accept that his behaviour constituted abuse regardless of it's origins.  I attempted to discuss his unacceptable behaviour with him in the hope that it may trigger some introspection and insight, but unfortunately this did nothing other than anger him more.  As always he flipped it around and placed the blame on me for having faulty judgement, reasoning, a stupid psychologist and then accused me of having a mental health disorder!  I also went to relationship counselling with him, yet again in the hope that perhaps if he heard it from an independent professional it may make him realise that he in fact was the one with the problem and that his behaviour constituted abuse.  Wrong again.  We only had 2 sessions after which the therapist terminated our sessions due to his escalating abuse within therapy and completely absent capacity to take responsibility for his own behaviour.

It took me a long time to realise that he was incapable of change because he refused to acknowledge his own behaviour as being a problem.  After I accepted that he was never going to change, it was me that had to decide whether I could continue tolerating his behaviour.  The answer was no.  After 25 years of marriage I finally decided to leave as I could no longer tolerate walking on eggshells every day and being subjected to irrational, unpredictable and psychologically/emotionally harmful abuse.  

I would recommend firstly trying to get him to acknowledge that his behaviour is not right.  You may want to suggest that he see a therapist or that you both go as a couple. You may wish to talk about it as "our" relationship problems, as opposed to pointing it all at him as he may feel victimised and respond negatively if you point it all at him.   Failing that I would highly recommend that you engage in therapy for yourself.  You need to understand that he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and that it is not your responsibility.  Hopefully he will be amenable to couples therapy and if so you can both work on establishing a healthier, more loving and mutually respectful relationship.

In the meantime there are some great books which clearly discuss the dynamics of abusive relationships.  One that comes to mind is "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.  At the end of the day, whether he has a mental health disorder or not, his behaviour is impacting on you and your relationship.

All the best

Janna ❤️

Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?

Hi Janna,  thank you for your words ... I struggled to write the post because there has been so much water under the bridge it was hard to know where to start and obviously you can’t go into full detail because it would go on for days but also risked it being disjointed by leaving details out. Smiley Frustrated

 
There were were quite a few nails hit on the head in your words, even down to being accused of having a mental illness yourself – I’ve heard that more than a few times as well and even questioned it myself a couple of times.  What you said about walking on eggshells every day and being subjected to irrational, unpredictable and psychologically/emotionally harmful abuse also struck a chord.  
 
I see the person and the behaviour as 2 different things but in his mind they’re one and the same so if I want him then, by his reasoning I accept everything that goes with it.  There are very deep seeded issues with acceptance and not feeling ‘good enough’ that stem from a very dysfunctional upbringing  
 
I’ve suggested we see a counsellor together quite a few times but he flatly refuses to engage with the idea.  "We shouldn’t need counselling after 4 years", "we wouldn’t need counselling if you could just bother to deal with me better" .... many reasons along those lines but I think the real reason is he doesn’t want to risk hearing an external party agree that the behaviour is unreasonable and abusive.
 
In my view one of the key factors has been that he has no friends outside of his family and me.  He moved here from interstate about 6 years ago but hasn’t done anything to create a new friendships – none of any substance anyway. 
 
After the latest episode he surprised me the next day by actually acknowledging that a number of the things I’ve said were valid and doing some research on his own – this is how the possibility of borderline personality disorder came up.  We did have an appointment booked for late last week for both of us to see his GP to get a referral for a psych assessment but he backed out of this on the day. 
 
In the last week or so he’s reconnected with a relative he hasn’t had contact with since they were teenagers and an old friend from years ago who is now living not too far away and he’s spending the weekend with her this weekend to catch up on old times.  His reasoning for cancelling the GP appointment is that these reconnections have shown him how important it is to have friends and connections of his own and have apparently given him a new outlook on things – including his behaviour and why it has been so extreme.
 
I can't say I share his confidence that the ‘answer’ is as simple as that but I guess I can only give him the benefit of the doubt and see what happens from here.  I did say though (in a light hearted conversation) that if I cop it again for no apparent reason I'll drag him to the GP by the ankles if I have to -  that got a laugh so at least that’s better than rage !
 
Anyway,  like where you were at, I am at pretty much at the end of my tether and I will need to seriously assess whether we can find that elusive middle ground to move forward or whether it is just too unhealthy for both of us to continue. 
 
I will check out the book you mentioned and thanks again for your reply Smiley Happy

Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?

Hi  @Gemini

I’m glad that I managed to strike a few chords with what I wrote. As I was reading your reply many thoughts and memories were triggered which I’d like to share.

The problem with abusive people is that they are not abusive and horrible 100% of the time. If they were we wouldn’t be with them. They also usually don’t introduce this “other side” of their personality until the relationship has gained momentum and is reasonably solid and binding - again because they know that few potential partners would stick around. Once they introduce the behaviour they usually do so in small, and relatively tolerable increments, which over time increase in both frequency and intensity. This makes us believe that it may be due to xx or xx as we try to rationalise it and it also deflects our minds away from them in search of a cause. Additionally, nearly every abuser follows what is known as the cycle of violence. Here’s a link for your info

http://www.dvhelppenrithregion.nsw.gov.au/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=4&Itemid=107


You may be able to identify with this. It is not unusual for them to verbally acknowledge that they have a problem, or that their behaviour is not ok, and for them to suggest that they are going to address the issue. This sits in the “remorse phase” on the cycle. They can even go as far as to surprise you with acts of kindness in the hope that this will make up for their outburst. Then things go quiet for a while. They behave and we relax in the hope that they have changed ….. until it happens all over again.

On top of all of this they usually wear a mask when around other people and never let this side of themselves show. In fact they usually present as charming, likeable and stable people, so much so that when you do ever want to enlist the support or help of family and friends they don’t believe you and look at you like you’ve got two heads. They really don’t want anyone else to know, which is why your partner may be very reluctant to speak with a GP or have a mental health assessment done.

Also please remember that abusive behaviour waxes and wains according to intrinsic and external factors. At the end of the day whether he’s lonely, feeling isolated, having a bad day, feeling bored, depressed, anxious, or whatever, it is NOT OK to rage, thump fists, stomp feet, throw things, etc.

Another very good author on the subject is Patricia Evans. She also has a very informative website http://www.verbalabuse.com

What you would need from your partner is the open acknowledgement that his behaviour is a problem and a commitment to seek ongoing help from an appropriate professional. Ideally you would want to see a steady and definite trend towards improvement. It won’t suffice if he continually relapses and defaults back to his abusive ways. Many people believe that abusers never change and that once an abuser, always an abuser. Here is another interesting read which may help http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-aronson-fontes-phd/do-abusive-men-change_b_7746994.html

Janna ❤️

Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?

Thanks  @Janna - I've had a quick read over the links but will look at them more in depth as the week goes on.... there were some very valid comparisons from what I read though, including elements of my own behaviour which I didn't necessarily see as being considered as 'abuse' at the time. In the heat of 'that moment' I was trying to make a point and make him see how a remark or insult or action was viewed/received.  This links back to where I've said that I have not always responded or handled things in the best way I could have. 

There are already things I've added to a list of 'not to do or say' and I'll add a few more now as well.

Where my partner will trigger immediately or over a very short space of time (minutes); my reaction is more of a slow burn - I will try my best to defuse the situation over a period of time with various responses, including finally giving up and agreeing but eventually after more than an hour or two of constant hammering it wears you down and while I've tried to keep things as calm as possible, things eventually get said in frustration and retaliation that also aren't constructive.  I've tried calling a time out and gone to another room but that's never successful as the situaion just follows to the next room.

There are lots of bits left out of the story such as receiving torrents of abuse via message while I'm at work and without the time or ability to assess and respond in any way other than brief messages then knowing what the environment is going to be like coming home, being told that the $1K + per pay that it costs me to pay the regular rent and bills are irrelevant and that it's just my job to pay it - "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health" etc, deliberately standing outside and raging the most foul abuse to make sure all of the neighbours can hear every word ...

Where I know my own responses and behaviour have left some to be desired along the way, I recoginise it in most cases and take steps to avoid it  .... but I agree with what you said that there needs to be a commitment to seek ongoing help from an appropriate professional and there has to be a steady and definite trend towards improvement.

I'll have a proper read of the links as soon as I get a chance but this exerience in itself has been very cathartic .... in fact the most positive and reassuring in nearly 4 years of trying to deal with this. Whilst I've considered the behaviours to be abusive I've not necessarily acknowledged them as abusive - viewing things in isolation a lot of the time rather than collectively - so from this point forward I'll be approaching things with a very different perspective.

Thank you again !

Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?

Heya @Gemini,

I too can confirm i have often had similar feelings in my relationship, luckily though I (29,F,not entirely crazy yet) am making slow progress with my partner (28,M,bipolar).

I laughed a little when i read your comment about not handling things in the best manner... i am thinking of starting a club if you would like to join haha, we could get shirts and share stories about all the things you should never say or do when providing emotional support to someone with a mental health issue! However in our 5 years together i am getting better at taking a moment to think about my responses and control my facial expressions when dealing with bipolar boy when he is having an off day, he is also learning to give me time to think and not take my initial facial expression as the end result. (Botox would probably really help me) 

My partner and i have worked (with the help of a Psych) on our communication techniques and I am learning to pick up on small clues that he is not travelling well so i can intervene early. Through this, he has told me that he often lashes out at me (verbally), just because I am there. Often whatever has him angry or upset isnt related to me at all, but he needs to find a way to cope and often that comes in blaming me, starting fights about nothing or often just generally hurling verbal abuse or telling me to get out. As we are moving forward, it is now rare that he does this as we have both learned to identify signals and communicate in a healthy manner about where he is at. If you can get your partner to agree to a psych session that is the way to go... even head to your GP yourself, explain you are a carer for someone with a mental health issue and get some sessions allocated for yourself. That way you can say, "I am going to see a psych and i would like you as my partner to come along and support me"...

As for calling a time out, i know you said it hasnt really worked, but this is what i do and it works for me, i also tell him it is becasue he has hurt my feelings and i need time to process the situation. This makes the pause about you, not him, so he should honour that if he respects the relationship. I also leave the house entirely... go and grab a coffee or go for a walk, just for 30 minutes to re-group, this physically stops the fight from continuing. Usually by the time i return, he is calmer and will now apologise for his behaviour as he recognises it is not me that he is focused on...

Hopefully some of that helps!

xx

Tigs

 

Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?

Hi @Gemini
Your situation sounds really tough. Between @Janna and @Tiggerroo stories lies the choice before you. If your partner acknowledges their part in the issues that you are experiencing in your relationship, then there is hope. However breaking up with someone who has BPD can be quite difficult as the abuse can go on for years. For me, I have a wife with BP difference, so there are the extreme emotions and depression/anxiety. When we met I was the best thing that ever happened to her. But later on, I turned out to be the cause of all her misery. Of course both views were wrong, but it was hard to see that at the time. Reality gets distorted by the BP's views and causes great upset for the carer. If you decide to stay in the relationship, you will need to learn coping strategies and as Tiggeroo correctly points out, work on your communication. A psychologist specializing in BP can help with that. Personally, I spend a lot of time in meditation. It helps me be more aware of my emotional state when interacting with people. Janna is correct that the abuse has to stop. "Stop walking on eggshells" is a good guide for dealing with BP and there is hope for some BP sufferers if they acknowledge that they have issues and seek help. Please remember that BP behaviour is the result of a very wounded soul and healing takes time and patience. I don't blame you for considering to walk away and if the abuse continues, you should. However, there is great personal growth and spiritual healing in working through these issues with your partner. You will learn a language which encompasses empathy and rationality to a degree which very few will ever experience. This is because most walk away from BP behavior, rather than attempting to understand. I hope you will find your way.

Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?

Hello @Gemini, I read your post with interest. Years ago, my husband of 34 years behaved in this fashion. We have multiple mental health issues in our family. My husband is schizoaffective, but when our children were little he had not been diagnosed for the same reason your partner is not. We were living in New Zealand then and were fortunate to have a community based mental health team including a psychiatric nurse/social worker who visited me weekly in my home to check on us. This social worker could see with his own eyes what was going on and he advised me to read everything I could about personality disorders, which I did.

I started to see my husband's abusive behaviour as a pathology. My social worker convinced me that I could work out ways to deal with it by thinking about the words my husband was trying to convey. Not the abusive attacks, but the underlying thoughts and motivations. I realised that my husband was trying to project onto me his own deficiencies, worries and inadequacies. So I became philosophical about it.

The next time there was an abusive rant, I promised him to think about what he said and immediately left the scene. I came back when things were calm again, made him a hot drink and said, "I want you to know that I admire and love you. I know you are feeling angry and upset but I am not the things you said. I am not #$@*, I am not **&%#. If you cannot control how you raise issues with me I will feel compelled to call in help for my own safety. By the way, your garden is looking beautiful." So I sandwiched my rebuttal between two compliments. Underlying my husband's verbal abuse was a very high degree of anxiety, and the best remedy for anxiety is reassurance.

He abused me again and I had him admitted to the psyche ward. He was always more careful after that. Gradually, applying this technique over a number of years, the abuse has altogether stopped. My husband feels reassured and loved. I am careful to give him heaps of narcissistic supply. Whatever I have to do, I try to think of ways to make him feel that it is all about him. For example, I need my husband to go to a town about 30km away to drop in a referral for one of our son's new psychiatrist. To do this, I suggested he take son J out for a cofee at the new town. All these little techniques have made the world of difference to me and I hope you find within yourself that you can work this situation out. If the worst comes to the worst, your own safety and well-being are of paramount importance and if need be you should leave. 

Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?

Thank you @Janna for those links. 

I seem to be always in the wrong ... even when I am not really that bad.

Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?

Hi @Appleblossom,

It can be quite difficult not to feel inadequate when you are facing a torrent of abuse at times. However, its important to keep in touch with reality. Nobody is all bad or all good, we all make mistakes with the best intentions. @perserverer makes some good points regarding staying strong in the face of unreasonable accusations. In addition to that, it's important to have someone who knows you and is not judgemental to talk to when you need a reality check. It helps to take ownership of mistakes, we all lose our temper at times, but you don't have to carry the burden of all the problems in your lives.

Stay strong!

Niels
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance