Lived Experience Forum

[misstee]

hey guys..
ive recently been given a diagnosis of BPD (previous diagnosis of type 2 bipolar, gad, depression)

i have a couple of questions...
- are intrusive thoughts of suicide normal for BPD? i feel i have no control at all over them, they are always there, i cant shut them out and its distressing.
- if anyone out there does suffer from these thoughts, what worked? what didnt work? i understand that the recommended treatment plan for BPD is DBT, and that medications have no significant effect on outcomes of the disorder, but theyre shown to relieve some symptoms in short term use. does this include intrusive thoughts?

Im 25, i really dont want to die, i just want the thoughts to stop 😞

[marchhare]

Hi misstee,

it is Marchhare here. One of the forum moderators. Welcome to the SANE forums. I am glad that you have decided to post here regarding your recent diagnosis of BPD and your intrusive suicidal thoughts.

I am also glad you have said that you wanted these thoughts to stop and you do not want to die. There has been a bit of discussion recently on the forum regarding dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) and BPD. I am sure you will find that you will get a response from members regarding BPD and also regarding this type of therapy. There is a lot of wisdom and support in these forums.

Take care,

Marchhare

[NikNik]

Hi @misstee

I would also like to extend a warm welcome to the Forums. I'm so glad you found us.

Many members here will be able to give you some feedback about their experiences. In the meantime, I thought I would share some resources.

1) BPD Guide

2) Stephanie's story. Steph also has a diagnosis of BPD and is a couple of years older than you -

New diagnosis can be scary - regardless of what that diagnosis is. Some of the feedback I've seen here in the Forums is to get educated about the illness and empowered with your options.

Do any other members have any advice? 

[Former-Member]

@misstee, welcome here, well done - it takes courage to reach out. I know you'll find loads of information, friendship, personal journies of survival, recovery and support.

Sorry to hear you are suffering anxiety & drpression & distressing intrusive Suicidal thoughts (suicidal ideology - SI).

I was diagnosed with the same as you at your age (20yrs ago), but I didn't really understand it, or want to believe it - info was scarse. I peferred to see my symptoms as 'a normal reaction to an abnormal life" andc'tough it out' until years later, when my marriage broke down & I lost a loved one (5yrs back), the hightened distress (typical of BPD) caused a major relapse, with multiple MH hospital admissions (harm to myself) over the first six months. The SI was so overpowering, for a solid two years before i started feeling 1/2 normal again with days of freedom from it. Bet even then, sometimes now (but much less), SI returns when I'm not coping.

I've actually learned to live with SI now, instead of fighting it. Mindfulness exercises have trained me to cope better through the bad days.Have you read the books "The Happiness Trap" & "Reality Slap" both by Russ Harris (I found them very helpful.

I was forced to face it ALL full on, i instinctively knew my survival (for the sake of those I'd leave behind, damaged), my survival depended on me listening to the help offered, doing the work and learning to be kind to myself - starting with thoughts.

I tell you all this to let you know you are not alone, I understand how you feel in describing that you "don't have control at all over them [SI], always there, cant shut them out" I remember those days, its the intensity - it does pass.

There are many on this site who live with this, including @Former-Member, @BlueBay, and @Appleblossom, they know what you're going through too. You're not alone.

YOU ASKED: "Are intrusive thoughts of suicide normal for BPD?

I THINK: with 'normal' being 60% I'd have to say YES - most sufferers of BPD have SI, BUT! not all the time. Let me explain.

For me, having lived with BPD for decades, SI comes and goes depending on the level of stress in my life (BPD's don't cope well with stress, have hightened emotional distress responses and thus intense emotional pain). So, I have concluded - the key is to improve resilience and reduce and manage stress.

Life balance (nutrition, walking, mixing, education, relaxation, self awareness, self-compassion, mindfulness, meditation and my faith, have all helped me through.

Have to run but hope this helps a little.
Check in later xox

[2angels]

@misstee from my experience having a change or multiple diagnoses can be confusing enough and make you all too aware how imprecise the science is. So be kind to yourself for feeling the way you are. I've got bipolar & used dbt. I really liked mindfulness & cheerleeding aspects of it. I realised I have (have if honest) a negative internal dialogue with myself. Would you say those things to a friend? So I try to say loving kind supportive things to myself. That really can help. Mindfulness is almost meditation but eyes open and doing. Being fully present. Not worrying about this and that, just now, the coolness of the tumbler in my hand, the crash of the ice cubes... That can really help for me. You'll find what works for you and feel compassion for yourself if you feel like a kangaroo in the headlights atm. That will change. Just want to add my support for your journey.

[Former-Member]

Hi @misstee, 

Welcome to the forums. I have suicidal thoughts probably 5 days out of 7 at the moment. Some patches I've had they get better. This is probably a rougher patch for me with the thoughts. 

What helps?  I think for me the things that are most helpful is getting the support during the hard patches and good professional support. For me having people like @Former-Member around has made a huge difference as she has much more experience than me. I guess I'm slowly starting to build up enough experiences and strategies now to ride the wave on the hard days better. On the out of control times I ring lifeline or suicide call back service. I've found the thing that I can access easily that distracts me and passes lots of time is doing jigsaw puzzles on my iPad or chatting on here. Everyone is different though and I think that it's best to experiment until you find what passes time and distracts your thoughts to let the emotion pass. 

I did DBT a year ago but only made half the classes and I don't think I was in the right headspace to really take it in. I've been doing schema therapy now and that's helped a lot more. I now feel ready to tackle DBT again to try to help me find more middle ground as I live in extremes all the time. It may take a long time through the public system to get a place in it. I have really good support from my therapist who incorporates parts of lots of therapies with me as required. I really need that flexibility. I have a great relationship with my therapist and that is so important. I can totally trust her.

i know it's a really hard road and I hope you find the right supports for you. Please feel free to ask more questions or chat here.  I guess the most important part is keeping you safe. Take good care of you @misstee

💜😊 

[LookingForHope]

Hello I just joined after getting diagnosed with BPD only yesterday. I am reding frantically  in order to learn more about this. The feelings of hopelessness and suicide are recurrent for me and from what I read it is part of this condition. Personally at my lowest I turned to family for support and this always helped me. So even though I am far from being an expert I would advise to talk to anyone you know who will listen and will not judge you. Instead of locking your self and hiding from everyone open a door of communication. Sometimes I find this hard but I will push myself to do it- I say I had enough of this on my own time to talk to someone!! I hope this helps. I am hoping for the best for me and you and everyone else out there...

[jmm]

Hi Misstee and everyone here,

I am dealing with a friend with BPD and depression. I have been studying all of our negative emotions for 20 years, and have found some every interesting information that really helps to get rid of them for once and for all. My friend was in denial for 6 months, but now that we have finally broken through all he has to do is to read about BPD, http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/

and then go through my book, learn about each emotion, how unnecessary they are as adults, and one by one, tap (EFT - Emotional Freedom technique) each emotion out. He will benefit too from creative visualisation, ie guided meditations, mindfulness exercises, and there are so many on youtube, especially for kids.

In the meantime we are supporting him as a village, including the kids. The breakthrough was that he finally did his Timeline from his outrageously dysfunctional and traumatic childhood, and we wrote down the emotions (fear, anger, guilt, jealousy, sadness, loneliness, depression, horror) that were evoked, and tapped them all out. I did 2 workshops on EFT and I love it, and doing it with others.

He is so much calmer now, as though he has stepped up, and it's been 2 weeks now. We can't stop pinching ourselves. 

He still has to learn about BPD and start going through the book, and his wife has had to learn to stop reacting to him. We have tapped on our own emotions repeatedly, and we've started tapping with the kids, and they love it, so we are creating an army of love and logic to support him through his transition. They say it takes  around 10 years to fix, but I reckon since you are not in denial, if you are willing, you could make huge changes within a month. If you guys are interested I could share a link for the book.

Jo

[straightnarrow]

I was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar approx 3 years ago. From my experience, all you can do is learn to cope and live with it. I have had suicidal thoughts every day for the last 8 years (I am 23) and still do. Through the right healing process, you can learn not to act on these emotions and recognise them for what they are.