Lived Experience Forum

[Xstine]

Does anyone else have an unsupportive partner? I've been with my husband for 4 years, we were married 2 years ago. 2 years ago my mother fell terribly I'll & I believe this triggered my anxiety & depression. I am no longer depressed but my anxiety has been hanging like a dark cloud & causes conflicts within our relationship due to the lack of understanding of my husband. I have given him brochures from my Psychologist & I email him articles that I relate with. He can't 'fix' it so says I have to sort it. Even though I explain I don't want him to fix it, I want him to just simply support me.

Since I recognise I have anxiety, I now see that I've had it since I was a child. It wasn't until I was an adult and able to control my own life that my anxiety settled. I do remember a few anxious times but nothing like it has been these past few years. I started meds 6 weeks ago & have been feeling on top of the world again .... but in the past 2 days I feel like I did before meds. I am currently having an anxiety attack. I feel withdrawn, tired (even though I have had plenty of sleep), miserable, useless etc etc ... Hubby & I have had a huge blew because of my withdrawal. I'm tired of being this way. I want it to stop. He seems to think I choose to be this way! When I ask other people about this, they just say,my hats men, they don't understand. 

PS I'm just about to see my doctor! 

[pip]

@Xstine. I can well relate to what you're saying about unsupportive spouses. Your hubby sounds similar to my ex. No matter what you try to teach him, he is simply unable to comprehend that all you need is a hug now and then. My ex used to complain that he was there 24/7 but I didn't appreciate him. Men are wired differently to women. They can be extremely cold and matter-of-fact, till it's their turn, or their parents need them. Some men only have to get a slight cold and they fall apart, with others they can be at death's door and they refuse to see a Dr, claiming that they'll be alright in a day or two. Anxiety/depression, to some men is simply an excuse to explain why dishes aren't done, housework is left etc. As far as giving him brochures etc, you can try. Whether he will read or comprehend only you will know the answer, by his response. Unfortunately, this is one journey you may have to make alone. Education is not easy to those who refuse to educate. As long as hubby denies there is a problem and you have anxiety/depression (which by the way is real), you have an uphill battle. I would suggest you see if there's somewhere you could get some emotional support. When you see your Dr, see if he has some brochures with phone numbers where you could receive some support. Also ask about references to psychologist/psychiatrist. You may also be prescribed short-term AD's, don't be scared or put-off about asking about side effects, how long you take them etc. Best wishes.

[Xstine]

Thank you for your input, Pip ... You sound like you know him!!! I'm so tired of him saying I don't appreciate him!!!  It's heartbreaking that the person I trust most in this world won't acknowledge or support me ... 

[pip]

@Xstine. Once you've seen your Dr, I would also suggest you say little to hubby. He may ask, but only because he thinks he should, not necessarily because he actually wants to know. I was seeing a psych years ago, my ex used to ask how each visit went. At first, I couldn't believe he actually cared, he didn't. He just felt because we were married, he should show an interest. He was unable to support me emotionally, simply because he didn't know how. Your hubby may start showing you emotional support once you are able to let him know exactly what you want. Your psych may be able to give you some guidance on communication. Mine couldn't because hubby wasn't willing. If he is willing to communicate, you're half way there. I left my hubby last year because I'd had enough. He refused to communicate, listen, understand. He became extremely impatient, angry. His parents didn't help, they treated me as if I was a child throwing temper tantrums. Since we parted, I've been 100% different, I have friends who acknowledge I have 'down days'. I have a volunteer job which has really helped me. I don't for one minute suggest you leave your hubby (unless you decide to), all I'm saying is, you may have to seek help through other channels.

[utopia]

@Xstine. I don't have a partner so I'll leave you in the supportive hands of @pip.
I just wanted to let you know with regards to your anxiety meds.
The medication helps, which is great, but you may still have moments when you feel anxious & have hard days.
Keep talking to your therapist.

[pip]

@Xatine. With regards to your AD's, not to take anything away from utopia. Until your system adjusts to the AD's you may find you feel tired/nauseas/anxious etc. If you feel any of the above or other symptoms not mentioned, don't hesitate to revisit the Dr. Adjusting to AD's unfortunately means you go through a 'guinea pig' stage of trial and error. Keep seeing your therapist and Dr till you are coping. Your therapist should be able to give you coping skills and communication skills.

[lostinspace]

hi i have a partner that she says to me that she has had 7 year's of this sh......t i should be over it so its not gender specific

[Gavinlee]

An interesting issue.

How about you put things differently to him, ask him what he would expect from you if he broke his leg and was in plaster.

would he want you to help and support him by making his dinner, a cuppa, do the shopping, etc etc etc

Just because the broken leg is obvious it doesn't mean it's any worse that a mental health issue.

Ask if he would give you more support if you had cancer, an illness is an illness, you did ask for it and don't want it and you are try the best you can.

[utopia]

I would have been lost without my son or best friend helping me through my panic attacks. I told them what I needed them to do. Eg: keep telling me I'm safe. Keep reminding me to breath in & breath out. Breath in slowly. Breath out slowly. And that it would be over soon and I would be ok. And they would repeat it til it passed. They didn't touch me (I couldn't stand that during an attack), but they would be nearby.
Support is so important. During a calm day - tell your husband what you need him to do and not do. If he's unlikely to listen - take him to your therapist with you & get your therapist to explain.
It may not be 'the fixing' he wants, but boy does it help.
Good luck with it @Xstine and @lostinspace. Partners, family members and friends should know what help you need - just the same as if you had an epileptic seizure. They can't prevent it, but they can be there for you to make sure you're safe

[Xstine]

He can be so confusing ... One day he'll ask me to tell him when 'I'm having a moment' ... & then another he doesn't want to know anything about it.

He actually said to me the other day 'I don't know why anyone would want anxiety!!!'

He has said to me he doesn't want to know about it and to seek support elsewhere.