Lived Experience Forum

[peace]

I am in emotional pain. Grief mainly I think for it is ny deceased son's birthday on Sunday. It has triggered off high anxiety and I am am trapped. Well no these overwhelming feelings are trapped within me. I want to cry, yell even scream but nothing will come out. I can't sleep.

I have only just got stable these past couple of months due to two new types of meds and a whole lot of positive thinking. Now I feel like I am lossing it and all the bad stuff is returning. I feel so alone .

I have this desperate need to share yet it makes me feel so weak. If I could /can untrap and release these emotions I am sure I'd feel better. My head is spinning, my hands are shaking and I can't actually think proberly. Oh yeah I 've had it worse of course and I am grateful for all the medications I am on that provide a degree of stability. I feel like there is so much shit trapped inside me driving me insane I want it out!

I miss my son. I miss the life we once lived.

[Jacques]

Hi @peace,

I feel your pain, it is so difficult when you lose someone you love, special events make this time worse, Please tr to remember the good times you has with him, remember his happyness, remember all the good things he did in his life.

The pain will never go away, you need to cherrish the memories you have of him.

Try to take some time out focusing on his birthday until the day, try distracting yourself with some music,  essential oils, Mandala's.

Please be kind to yourself, and reach out to lifeline, and if things get bad call 000

Take care, be kind to yourself.

Jacques

[Acacia]

Hi @peace

I’m so sorry to read of your pain. What a terrible thing you have gone through. I can’t imagine how hard it would have been and how strong you must be. I’m glad you’ve found some meds that are helping you manage things better.

It’s so common that birthdays can be the hardest time. It can be a time where the progress you have made seems to be slipping away. But actually, it’s just a sharpening of the grief temporarily. Someone once told me that grief can be a bit like ocean tides – sometimes you get hit with huge waves and at other times it can be really calm. Moving through grief is partly about riding the waves and recognising that they are gradually calming over time. Your son’s birthday is a massive wave that will inevitably de-stabilise you, but there are calmer seas ahead. I hope that as time goes by it can also become a time to celebrate the happiness your son brought while he was with you.

From reading your other posts, I can see that you know yourself well and are great at recognising your triggers and looking after yourself.  

Wishing you strength to get through this weekend @peace. As @Jacques says, if you need to talk to someone, please give Lifeline a call. Another option is GriefLine who specialise in bereavement counselling. You can contact them on 1300 845 745, 12 noon to 3am, 7 days/week.

[peace]

Hi @Jacques and @Acacia Thank you both for your compassion and support. I did not know there is a Grief line. I had planned a few things for the weekend. A remedial massage but couldn't get there as the anxiety crippled me. I have a spring retreat I so want to do. Is doesn"t seem possible at this stage. I am trying.

[Former-Member]

I am so sorry @peace , there isnt anything like losing a child. i'm not in a place to write too much, but I am thinking of you, and will be thinking of you this weekend, in some small way if you can, maybe try to celebrate the day in some way at the same time as acknowledging the pain. They were with you and full of love and that deserves to be celebrated, as do your memories. 

here with you,

LJ

[Appleblossom]

I cant imagine the pain of losing your son, but thanks for sharing him with us ...

Can you ritualise .. like look at photos, listen to music and light some candles ...go to a favourite place ...  give yourself complete permission to grieve ,,, whatever you feel is right for you as there is not one way to deal with loss.

[DefiantPanda]

@peace I'm really sorry to hear about your son. I can't imagine the grief you must feel right now. I really hope you find some kind of peace. Life is so precious.

[SueBee]

Dear 'trapped' I am feeling for you, so much, having lived this nightmare myself. Dont ever feel bad or apologise for anything that you are feeling. You have experienced the worse possbile loss, ever and you will never forget your precious son.

I am the Volunteer Coordinator of The Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parent and Sibling Centre and all who Volunteer or work here, are themselves either bereaved parents or siblings, but are further down the 'grief journey' and are trained and here to offer mutual support, understanding and comfort.

I truly do understand the pain in birthdays and aniversaries. My eldest son, 19, died and I find his birthdate, very difficult, as it is a reminder of what absolute joy, he brought to my life and how painful it is without him here. I still miss him, every day, but thankfully the pain is not so intense. I know that I will always miss my son, as do his siblings, but it does take time, to finally start to live again and not just be 'alive'. it does take more than the 6months that 'others' expect from us and to go back to the person we once were, which we don't.

I would be more than happy to offer you further support and information on who we are and how we can support you and your family. Please dont hesitate to call our 24/7 support line on 0398884944 or freecall on 1800 641 091 for ruarl Victoria and Tasmania.

warmest regards

Sue Brown

Bereaved mother of Abe

[SueBee]

Hi Acacia, The Compassionate Friends is also an organisation that is specific in supporting bereaved parents and siblings, regardless of age or cause of death, with a 24/7 phone support service 0398884944 or for Country and Tasmania freecall 1800641091 among other services and support.
You said it so beautifully about the 'waves' of grief,