Lived Experience Forum

[alyou3]

I'm new to these forums and right now I just feel like I'm going crazy. I've battled PTSD since I was 7 years olds, I'm 24 now. The anxiety & depression is just crippling me lately. I'm in my final semester of university, literally got a month to go and I'm so behind yet so terrified of failing. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially not my parents cos I know they don't really understand what goes on in my head, I should just get on with it. I'm having daily panic attacks about failing, about stuffing it all up, not being able to catch up in time and do well enough in my exams to pass. And then I have this overwhelming darkness sucking me in at the same time, I just want to shut down and sleep and feel nothing. And then the cycle goes on. I just want to finish uni, it's taken me 6 years, I just want to get thru it and I don't know if I will 😞 has anybody else felt like this? In the rational part of my brain I know it makes no sense to feel both those conflicting emotions at once but It's the way I feel

[utopia]

@alyou3. I think what you are feeling is totally understandable. I've struggled with this in the Past because my logical side says - just get on with it - it's not that hard. But my depression would not let me act on what needed doing. I also suffered from PTSD dueto a wworkplace incident. I was lucky and got EMDR treatment and it's been amazing how I no longer have any fear of the incident. I also no longer have panic attacks. They were so debilitating.
You have a huge amount of pressure on your shoulders at the moment - that most people would struggle with - let alone someone with MI.
Do you see a psycholigist for your MI? I'd really encourage you to see someone. As they can help you through.
Go and see your gp and explain what you have explained in this post. Your gp can refer you to a psychologist.
You may also want to speak to someone at your University about struggling with catching up with the workload. They are also there to help you.
Good luck. I hope you seek the help you need

[alyou3]

It is so reassuring to know that someone understands how I feel! I have previously seen a psychologist but simply couldn't afford to keep going. Think it's time to get my GP involved again.

[Former-Member]

Hi @alyou3,

I think lots of us can relate to where you are at with the motivation to change. My advice would be to contact student services and make an appointment to see a student counsellor. I'm sure they would help you and it would be quicker than seeing a GP and psychologist. I still think see them too but you should get lots of practical help and support to get through this last semester. I've had help from student counsellors before through Tafe and Uni and they were really helpful. I'm sorry your parents aren't more understanding with your situation, that must be hard. If it all doesn't work out and you don't get through Uni please don't be too hard on yourself. It's not the end of the world, just a glitch to work through. Good luck with your studies and finding ongoing help. 💜😊

[utopia]

@alyou3. Your gp can do a Mental Health Plan - a questionnaire & that will then allow him or her to refer you to a psychologist under the free medicare scheme. Initially it is 6 free appointments - but don't worry about that. My psychologist in the past has taken me over the general approved number of visits - still under medicare.
See if you can call your gp tomorrow and let the receptionist know it's an urgent appointment you seek due to depression. That way you should get in quicker.
Good luck. Sounds like yiu will be pro active in seeking this treatment that you need and deserve. That's great to know.

[Ffm48]

Hii @alyou3

I know exactly what you are feeling. I am 68 years and I have had PTSD from age 5 due to multiple childhood traumata. PTSD was exacerbated by a long-term abusive relationship and I finally was led into therapy four years ago with a trauma specialist and a cognitive behavioural therapist. Between the three of us and a lot of hard work, including exposure therapy, I have learnt to take control of my life. Yes, I do know what it's like to have logic tell you exactly what you need to do and having the paralysing fear of failing. To be perfectly honest I still get that paralysis from time to time, but in gaining more confidence I tend to procrastinate less

@utopia and @Former-Member have already suggested you might want to see a GP so s/he may refer you to a psychologist. Seeking assistance from the student counsellor is certainly a good suggestion; s/he may also have some ideas on preparing a viable and practicable plan for your work at uni.

Let us know how you get on; we are here for you.

[Sahara]

 Hi @alyou3,

I think it's a great sign that you have stuck with your studies for this long - 6 years is a really good effort and you should be proud. A lot of people just drop out- but you are an achiever! 

@Former-Member had a great idea in seeing your uni counsellor. They are there and they are ready to help you, all you have to do is knock on their door. When I was at uni, I saw the counsellors there about my personal issues and they were wonderful. (And they were free!)

You are so right- anxiety and depression are crippling, but you don't have to suffer alone. There are professionals out there who really do care about people. You uni should also have a G.P. that you can see for free if you need a mental health care plan. It's confidential and they won't tell your course coordinator or anything like that..... unless you would like to be considered for 'special consideration' that is. 

@alyou3, what is the worst thing that can happen? That you need to come back to uni next year and repeat a few assignments or repeat a subject? It's not that bad in the big scheme of things! Anxiety makes everything seem much worse than it really is; I know.

I have had anxiety since I was a child and I worry about everything.  Even though I loved school and then uni, I found it very stressful, too. When I did my master's degree, I remember it took me a year to get around to doing some minor corrections (mainly spelling errors!) which in the end only took me around 3 hours to correct..... that's right, I procrastinated for a full year in order to easily complete my Master's degree in a matter of hours.

But you know what? I have that darn degree and I'm proud. No-where on my little piece of paper that hangs on my wall in a frame does it mention that I procrastinated for a year!

[Former-Member]

Hi @alyou3, welcome to the forums. 

I've found that a lot of people find the final semester or final year to be challenging. I think a range of factors flow into that... including that you've just been at it *forever* and there is uncertainty about what comes next. 

Have you applied for special consideration? If not, I would encourage you to do that as a matter of priority. Universities don't want to fail their final year students and will typically go to extraordinary lengths to support you through once you get to that stage, as you have... and it sounds like you have very valid reasons for requesting SC, regardless. For example, I have had students who have had deadlines completely removed from their program (and I work in one of the highest ranked G8 institutions).

The issues other posters have raised in relation to your ongoing wellbeing are also important but your health issues shouldn't stop you from obtaining your degree. I can't state this strongly enough. You have rights, you just need to claim them. 

[alyou3]

Firstly- I"m so bloody glad that I found this page and so incredibly grateful to have all your support. It feels so good to know that someone else, even if it's just one person, understands how I feel without me having to explain and fight and justify. I saw my GP today and he wrote a ltter to the university while I just sat & cried. I've been referred to a psychologist but the joys of living in a rural area means I have to wait a few weeks to actually see someone. I hadn't thought about applying for special consideration because most of my unit chairs have reccommended against it, saying students often do worse on their exams etc but I am in serious danger of failing. I don't want to rock the boat or make a fuss but maybe I need to

[utopia]

@alyou3. There is a post on Sane about accessing mental health services in rural areas. I also live in the country. I used to drive 1 & 1/2 hours each way to see my psychologist once a week. Now I have a brilliant psychologist here in my local town.
Maybe until your appointment becomes available - see your gp once or twice a week - as needed. Or seek out a counselor at Uni. And of course - you can continue to talk with us here.
Things will get better.