Lived Experience Forum

[Peach]

I am experiencing PTSD after many years of psychological trauma my sister has finally been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder - depressive type.

I am currently seeing a psychologist however the story is so complex I find it hard to connect with one and they often bombard me with solutions when I just need someone to listen.

Her self harm and suicide attempts are particular triggers of mine. I also suffer from GAD and am finding it hard to maintain a job.

My feelings toward her are so conflicted because sometimes I become frustrated and angry but I love her so much. Seeing her like this breaks my heart but I need to accept it.

As a result of my PTSD I suffer from random "dissociative" panic attacks in which I become out of control. I have become emotionally fatigued and do not have much energy to socialise.

Some of my girlfriends are quite insensitive and cannot understand my situation which breaks my heart. This makes me feel quite alone.

Is this common?

Is anyone else experiencing trauma with a family member?

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Peach

Unfortunately I have had similar experiences with siblings who both harmed them selves and attempted suicide many times.

Its a massive trigger. It cant be anything else. We love them and our histories are so intertwined that the boundaries between us are very permeable.

I was so anxious for my brother and sister that I didnt realise I had also slipped into SH ... then later I started with panic attacks but mine were mainly in the supermarket and I managed to mostly overcome that. it is delicate.

I would guess that your therapists are a bit nervous.  How does one know what the solution is .. until one has listened.  CBT isnt really sufficient in these circumstances .. and they need to do a bit of old fashioned listening and feeling and expressing empathy or compassion.

I have been online for a while and I am actually very tired, but I saw that nobody had answered your post and that it had slipped to the next page.

I hope you give the forum a go and I am happy to share or support you later.

Take care and I hope to see you around the forum

Apple

[utopia]

Hi @Peach. I have had PTSD & I know how terrifying it can be.
My thoughts about your posts are:
*can you tell your psychologist what you expect from the sessions.
*Can you tell him that you just want to get it all out first - before he goes off in another direction.
if It's Difficult to say this to him - maybe you could write it down and give it to him.
I think it's important to have an agreement with your psychologist - so you both know where you stand. Good luck.

[Only-girl]

Hi Peach
I'm new on this site, I felt I needed to answer you because you remind me of my younger brother who I love so much but haven't seen or heard from in two years since he moved out! . I am his big sister , like your sister I Suffer from all the things yours has , my brother moved in with me after a breakup that had triggered the start of my life falling apart. He was there during my giving up , my anger outbursts, my severe depression .our mother has schizophrenia , he is 13 years younger then me and for most of his life he had to deal with her by him self . Before he was born I was sexually abused my my oldest siblings and lived mostly with my father who was in denial , I had pushed all of these feelings so far down and being a people pleaser helped me to function and get through life until my breakup of 16 years and loosing everyone I loved , for me it was like if I couldn't be there for people they didn't want to know me except my younger brother . I don't blame him for needing to get away from me. He already went through so much and I hope I get the chance to hug him and tell him how sorry I am and that I love him , I love him more then anything, my anger outburst , and remembering every hurtful and things that had happened to me and other brothers has become the do or die point in my life. I want to do ! I'm in the process of trying different medications , if your sister is like me then she loves you! Don't give up on her but you make sure you look after your self first , I don't know if this has helped you.1 thing I have recently done has been to write about everything and anything that has made me feel the way I do , not blaming anyone but forgiving and writing about the positive things that should have happened and not the negative's and forgiveness not for them but for you to move on! you see some counsellors and physiatrist have learnt what they know from books and no personal experiences ! talking is great if you have someone who understands . With all my heart I wish you the best and for my partner and boys and little bro I hope I can get back to my old self xx

[Peach]

@Appleblossom I didn’t realise it was so common for individuals to experience PTSD from self harming siblings. This makes me feel less alone. I often have trouble sleeping due to the PTSD and become lost in forums but have never had the courage to post on one.

So thank you for taking the time to express yourself. How do you manage the panic attacks? I am slowly becoming more tolerant toward my sister. Did you develop a tolerance to your sibling?

[Peach]

Sorry for the late response. I am so warmed by all of the generous responses my post has received.

@utopia I hadn’t thought about your suggestion but I will definitely be more specific in my psychology sessions. I will take notes in with me - sometimes a week can be so stressful that I forget the things that have happened, really appreciate the advice thank you.

[Only-girl]

Hi Apple & peach,
Growing up with my mother who has been diagnosed with everything ! I'm sorry because I told you to have to support family members but with my own PTSD I just can't handle her anymore the last time I saw here she wasn't on her Meds and it was so hard ! For the first time I lost it at her as she was telling me what I was doing in her hallucinations and started to blame me when I was a child for her marriage breackup . I was 13 when my mum had my baby brother whom I loved so much , my job then was to cover for her to community services so they wouldn't take him, and to protect him when she would be so out of controlll , one day without a word she packed up and left with him .... So I had to cut her out of my life two years ago after my breakup I became distend to my family that there is also a very complicated history with. And they abandend me , I'm in a very difficult relationship now but have no friends or family except for my beautiful boys, but might have to send them back to there dad because I don't want them to be affected by me , God sometimes I want to ring my brother but just can't dial the numberi wish I could!! Sorry to go on , I wish there was a group so we could talk to people that actually know what we are going though , sorry about my rant but it's just a bad day
Only girl

[Peach]

@Only-girl don't be sorry, sometimes the best thing to do is have a good rant and get it out of your system. I understand why you pushed them away. Having mental illness takes a huge toll mentally. I find that sometimes I need to create distance to protect myself.

Self care is so important. Hope things are better for you now.

Thank you for having the courage to post and reply to me.

[Appleblossom]

There is so much similarity in our stories. @Peach and @Only-girl

PTSD is a relatively new diagnosis and nobody has officially labelled me with it but it fits ... getting the images of my brother's SH attempts out of my mind was dreadful when I was 23 and then still when I was trying to raise small children.

The stress of it is still with me. 

I also had a  Job to do with children's services as a child ... mine was to help mother get the other children back ... she could not actually ever see me ... as she could only see the ones who were still with fosters etc ... and I was oldest girl ... 2 more were returned ... and we all loved each other ... though also had to get over having different foster and orphanage experiences ...as the family re-integrated

I am not sure that it was a good idea overall that they were returned ... as they were the 2 who started early SH and didnt make it ... so I mourn them and find some solace that they are no longer suffering.

So I have some idea of the complexity.

My father was always seen as incompetent and blamed as the mad one and I did not realise that mother also had the schizophrenia diagnosis til I got my ward of the state file.

In my mind the schizophrenia diagnosis just means ... very troubled human dished up with too much to handle. Anyway I also loved my parents. It is really weird to read a social worker noting my love for my family in a govt file ... but my mother was really to paranoid to let anyone love her ...