Lived Experience Forum

[Jenna]

I (22) need to cut my mother (50) off! I can't believe her. She is one of the most selfish pieces of work I have ever met. She has a way of making people feel sorry for her & be a victim and makes me out to be a terrible person whenever we fight. She doesn't take any responsibility for her actions whatsoever. Ever since I was little she would get drunk and argumentative. I remember one time she came to my room when I was about 6-7 drunk threatening to throw a lamp at me. Every time she gets drunk she is abusive and most of my memories are of her drunk. I remember she abused me for being white (she is dark). Im not perfect either I have no respect for her what so ever. I can't be around her anymore I need to cut her off completely but I can't. I have 2 young sisters (6 & 😎 who I want to see and spend time with but I know if I cut her off she won't let me see my sisters. She has told me "we are a package deal" meaning her and the girls. If i don't speak to my mother I can't speak to the girls.

[Appleblossom]

Sounds like a horrible triangulation family dynamic issue.

Its great you survived the drunkenness and abuse.

Hope the forums help.

Reverse racism can be an issue to ... its sad when there is family  reakdown ... but when it is entrenched you do have to take some stand.

[Mosaic]

Hi @Jenna welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing some of your story. I am sorry to hear about all you had to put up with in your childhood. It isn't fair that you had to go through all of that at such a young age. 

It sounds like you are really needing to implement some healthy space and distance between you and your mum right now... you've recognised that is what you need for your own mental health. It can be difficult to stick to these boundaries with certain family members, as it can often mean feeling cut off from others who you want to keep in contact with (e.g., your little sisters). It sounds like you really care about them. When your mum says they all come as a 'package deal', do you feel like she is twisting your arm to stick around? Whether we realise it or not, all healthy relationships have boundaries. Our boundaries are not always static, but fluid, and can be adjusted later depending on our needs. It sounds like your mum never had a lot of boundaries when raising you, so it can be difficult to know how to set up (and stick with) boundaries of your own if you've never really been shown what it looks like. 

I believe @Shaz51 has had some experience with setting bounaries with her partner. Feel free to jump in Shaz51 if you'd like to share any thoughts or advice with Jenna. 

Take care.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Jenna, welcome to the forum

Hi @Mosaic, @Appleblossom

@Jenna, I was mentally abused by my father when I was growing up

Our boundaries are not always static, but fluid, and can be adjusted later depending on our needs. It sounds like your mum never had a lot of boundaries when raising you,

so it can be difficult to know how to set up (and stick with) boundaries of your own if you've never really been shown what it looks like. ,-- this is soo true

and for me it took a long  time but it changes as time goes on , I know it is hard to hung in there but it is worth it , I still have ups and downs but it is getting better

please keep in touch and let me know if you have any questions

[Decadian]

Hi @Jenna

Welcome to the website and thanks for sharing some of your story with us

It sounds as if you are in a very difficult situation - it seems as if your mother enjoys a stouch - and is holding your little sisters as a way to try and control you - and no way to you need that kind of treatment - from anyone - even your mother

I had to walk away from my mother - often - and even though she has been gone for 18 months my sister is still holding out on the guilt-trip - except I don't play along - which must be maddening for her

For years I did not see my mother - I could not see there was any point in exposing myself to her bitchiness - even my mother has to earn my respect

But for you - you have your little sisters and you want to see them - does this mean you have to live at home or rather that you have to behave in a certain way to please your mother - which must be demeaning - and not just for you - your little sisters can see this too - and what you do will have an impact on them

If they can see you stand up to this behaviour - they are more likely to stand up to it too

But for now those little girls seem to be in a hostage situation - so what can you do?

I would like to know more - but why they are minors things are limited

Please keep posting - and remember no one needs to be put down - no matter how pale your skin - boy - that's a beauty

All the best

Decadian

[Shaz51]

Hello @Jenna

I love to hear more like @Decadian said so we can help more

please keep posting xx

[Jenna]

Thank you for all your u responses I greatly appreciate you taking the time to respond. I definitely agree that I need boundaries but am unsure on how to start or implement boundaries.

About the "package deal" my mother basically meant if I'm not on good terms with her I can't see my sisters. I called to speak to my 8 year old sister and my mother was just so rude about it & then my sister was talking about how my mum and I are fighting and that my other sister who is 6 hates me. So obviously my mother has been talking bad about me to my young sisters which is sooooo childish.

Thankfully I don't live with her so I can easily distance myself from seeing them.

I feel as though I'll need to distance myself from all of them for me to truly be happy and content with my own mental wellbeing.

[Shaz51]

Hi @Jenna

It is childish how she is reacting , so don`t join her in her little games

your sisters will realise the truth , just keep in touch with them, loving them

one day at a time my friend 

[blackdog]

I've had a similar experience with my mother. She was a single mother and very physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to me. But she didn't need to be drunk to be like that. She is very selfish and self focused and I have had to cut her out of my life. But for a long time I felt I couldn't. However now that I have children of my own I needed to protect them.

My advice would be to limit the influence your mother has on your life as much as you possibly can but stay in touch with your sisters. They will get older and be able to see you as they become more independant, which will allow you to distance yourself even more from your mother. Your mother has her own personal issues and emotional scars. But I think you need to focus on what you can control and not on her behaviour because you can't control what she does. I suggest you put boundaries up to protect yourself so you can stay in your sisters lives.