Lived Experience Forum

[PeppiPatty]

Agree you creative woman you. A man who hung out with that crew in late 70s early 80s in London cuts my hair and used to support my youngest son when he was really ill. His wife is um ..... A little panic stricken ..... I think she handles the books

[PeppiPatty]

Yes I can't write on a message that's been sent.
@GothMum please take heed of @Appleblossom writing of your three children.golly your writing ..... It flows I loved how you wrote about latest changes.

My husband suffers Chrinic (meaning all the time) paranoid Schizophrenia and when we got married ..... I remember looking at my youngest son thinking is this it ? Is this how my life is going to be ......... I managed his life of illness and now recovered and my other son is diagnosed. Suffering times of mental ill health..... I have no real ......... Achievements. Is this my life.

It is hard isn't it. You have chosen to put down things in your 3 children's lives that I guess you never did.

It feels like a little that your scared your going to disappear ?
I have few friends my mother in law dislikes me ...... My mother interferes ..👾
Can you take little steps ..... Maybe writing little papers. I write papers. For about 5 months o have wanted to write a paper on Feminism for women living at home in Australia. It will happen .... Hopefully o can stop thinking and start writing soon. Then .... Maybe o can take the paper somewhere and ask a couple of dollars for it.
Your writing is beautiful.

[PeppiPatty]

Sorry @GothMum I went on my own tangent ........
I meant to write also I listened to Frank Turner and awesome 🎼🎧🎤🎼🎺🎸🎻

[kristin]

Dear @GothMum

It's great you are speaking out about these experiences. This is a fantastic community here to be able to be honest and make genuine connections with others who get it (rather than judge you), and who care. So keep on speaking your mind, whatever that is for you at the time.

I can relate somewhat, particularly to the childhood abuse impacts. If I'm really honest then I have to say that when I've been extremely socially isolated (which my abusive ex did his utmost to arrange, including being hyper-critical of my attempts to get and access help) I've had many conversations in my head. I don't know whether they were quite as differentiated as you describe the various aspects. I certainly couldn't talk to him about most of it, I guess in a way it helped me to stay sane (like an internal sounding-board).

Well done for working on making changes for your own wellbeing. I've found this an incredibly hard road, but very worthwhile. As survivors of child abuse self-care can be a constant challenge. Deal with one aspect and three more seem to arise. In my experience it does begin to get easier in time, but it is definitely a journey needing lots of persistence (and self-compassion) with set-backs. 

I'd like to share a book with you, which I got earlier this year. I have done lots of research (mainly on the internet) about the impacts of child abuse/neglect over the years, as well as developing my own theories about it from observations about myself and others I know - even when those theories seemed to be pretty out there. The book is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk (a world renowned trauma specialist). He put all I had been thinking together, plus a final section on what actually helps (including for people who suffered early trauma at the hands of caregivers - who often struggle with or are re-traumatised by talk therapy). It is very readable. He's compassionate and respectful, says his patients have been his teachers, avoids psychobabble & uses plain language (with good analogies to explain technical things like the neuroscience of trauma). The case studies he uses may be somewhat triggering for some people. I did not find them so, I think mainly because he is SO compassionate. I found reading it very healing - I felt like he really gets it.

As a result of reading it I have persisted in asking for, & managed to access, some equine therapy sessions for myself and my 7yo. It has been SO helpful.

I have been meaning to post about it here because I think @kenny66 @Alessandra1992 @Rick @SCORPION @hiddenite @Former-Member @Loopy @Uggbootdiva and so many others would hopefully find it helpful too.

I take my hat off to you - keep up the good work. 

Hope for a healing journey endures...

Kindest regards, Kristin

PS Thx for the album tip - having read some of the lyrics I think you're right, he does "get it". Another person who "gets it" is Monique Lisbon who gives her CDs away free for the cost of postage (I particularly recommend Wounded Beauty and If the Truth Hurts).

[MoonGal]

@GothMum, thanks for sharing your experience. You asked "Am I alone in having this experience of voices?", you are not alone... I too have these complex conversations all the time, in my own mind. I do not experience them as third-party voices per se - but relentless conversations, yes. The hyper-critic in me, the hopeful child in me, the commentary on what a "fill in the critisicm here" I am. You have done beautifully descibing the reality of it. I am in awe of your resilience and your being Mum to three special needs children. 

@kristin thanks for the reccomendation of the book - The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk - I have ordered it to read. I struggle with chronic sensitised pain syndrome and fibromyalgia. My days at best are still full of physical pain, I have done alot of reading, particularly in the area of Neuroplasticity these techniques to assist in truning of the pain, it is far from mainstream, but getting more accepted - alhough neuroplasticity and chronic pain books tend not to even acknowledge trauma and abuse as factors in physical, emotional and mental health. If the mention mental health at all it is that people living ith pain tend to get "depressed" - no real understanding or reflection of my lived experience with it. I have though learned that all pain is in the brain (that's how the central Nervous System works)... so if we have broken brains, I wonder how does this then impact on our subjective experience of pain and how do we get the most out of life and how far can we expect to 'recover' etc (Oh dear, sorry this is a whole new topic sprung from your book reccomendation).

It had not occured to me to make those connections between abuse, trauma and my current long standing chronic physical pain ... or... on second thought, I had perhaps made the connection a long time ago and since forgotten about it after my diagnoses with BPII it subsumed all the other issues I live with. I look forward to reading the book.

PS: @Former-Member - am very aware as we talk here that this is somewhat off thread from your initial post last year, and I hope it is okay that the conversation has morphed into other (but related) discussions. It's kind of dynamic here and one thought and share from someone raises other stuff etc. Its a long and winding road, that still leads to your door. 

[PeppiPatty]

@Hi It's...justanother 47yr...changed my name when I turned 48.

Ie missed you,

REgards,

Anne

[GothMum]

Thanks for your book recommendation, @kristin, I'll definitely look is up; yes, having finally disclosed (about 45 years after the events) to my GP and women's health physio who the perpetrator of my abuse was has meant that the talking therapies are now too abrasive... I needed years of them to be able to admit to myself what occurred and at whose hands, but now that's done, talking about it is too real.

thanks too, @PeppiPatty, @Former-Member, @Appleblossom, @MoonGal. I'm glad I'm not alone, for me , writing has always been a significant avenue for my self actualisation. I am a former English teacher, and a former lecturer, and I've often thought about writing my memoirs, but writing my doctoral thesis was so excessively exhausting and I'm still dealing with the chronic fatigue that resulted from that pursuit. The conversations I endured whilst deep in doctoral territory were so excruciatingly dense, and to be honest, on many occasions the conversations were about me not actually being good enough to be doing work at that level. At other times the conversations helped me frame questions, tease out issues and examine assumptions.

I have been s l o w l y working through the exercises in "will I ever be good enough", a self help workbook for daughters of narcissistic mothers. It's been, and continues to be a very helpful exercise in personal growth. I've already worked through it a couple of times, but each time I undertake an exercise I go that bit deeper. And the work I've done alone with that text has given me the mechanism to allow me to face the identity of my abuser. And colouring, especially colouring mandalas has been a positive meditative practice in helping to limit the conversations.

And, strangely enough, I feel a real buzz that others feel that Frank Turner gets "it". The Straight Edge punk movement has much to commend it. It's made me feel valuable that my words may have led someone to discover a new musician. There's been many occasions where my 80s/90s goth- punk soundtrack has helped me pull through a deep period of depression, and more recently a handful of contemporary folk-punk artists have extended a saving hand for me to latch onto. There are times I feel like I'm only still here because of my music obsessions. And other times when, if not for my companion animals or my children I feel I would have just completely vanished, as if I don't have enough substance. And yet other times when I actually resent those things for keeping me connected and alive. And although I don't actually feel especially alive at the moment, I guess that in the words of the aforementioned FT, "things can only get better, because we're not dead yet"... 

[GothMum]

Yes! @MoonGal, I absolutely, 100% agree with you, that chronic pain is absolutely linked to our experiences of trauma. I have lived with chronic pain since a motorbike crash in 1990. And yes, chronic pain can lead to chronic fatigue, depression, PTSD, just to name a few I have often wondered if my propensity to depression and my unexplained chronic pain are linked.

I have three distinct areas of chronic pain. I can correlate each of these with a particular incident. I have also had a number of distinct depression types, sometimes more than one simultaneously. I also do not have a neurotypical brain; I have often wondered whether my 'autistic' brain is somehow responsible for my propensity for angst, for isolation and alienation, and significantly, what role does an autistic brain have in both chronic pain and mental health. Autism is a developmental disorder, not as some people think, a mental health issue, yet many people with autism do have significant issues with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and other modalities. For those of us with a heightened sensitivity to the world around us, the excesses of everyday life in our western consumerist culture can seem especially over bearing. Our senses get easily overloaded by all the conflicting and competing consumerist agendas, and once again, we fall by the wayside. And perhaps the wayside is in fact, the only truly quiet, environ on earth...

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @GothMum

I have written a a poem of a dream I had called 'Am I Enough.' When written I was quite suprised ....it made me understand why I need so much sopport. 

The stories on Sane Forums ....some of them are so..imspiring and hopeful. I like that word....hope. 

extremely difficult .... A narcissistic mother. If your okay to read, another spot on book is by Christine Lawler called The Borderline Mother.
My passion is Psychotherapy though, as you write about the talking cure ( and I agree) is not For everyone

My mother is in my life........it's stressful and hard most of the time. 

I am so impressed with your life ..... It's the writing a thesis ! then......that you manage your life with your Three children after......

Truly good. 

I have this huge yearning to  ..... To do art to write papers ......

Then, like now......... A crochet bag starts getting down.. Wow.
But  most of the time......I put myself in situations where I'm stuck and cannot get anything started.

I write lists, write my life out in little bits of paper and write meanings of words ideas for paintings and read Sane Forums............

Love reading your story about yourself and your three shildren. How are they?

[Appleblossom]

In my church, an old gay guy with many serious medical conditions sports new tatts and a Tshirt with "I'm not dead yet".  The conservatives tolerate it as he is invaluable as tenor and archivist.

Sorry to hear about your bike accident @GothMum 

Sounds like some of your dreams Music saved me too .. but I didnt listen to digital .. I taught and practised .. thats why I generally detach from questions about taste ... but I love ethnomusicology and my memories dancing with my little punkette friend. 

Singing has helped me with mental chatter, oddly enough. It keeps me vocalising while emotionally engaged ... otherwise I tend to mutism and ... sometimes I utter the words that are in my head ... and its fine and sometimes its not ... could it have anything to do with Kristeva and the chora?