Skip to main content
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Our stories

Okay
Casual Contributor

PTSD



Ptsd
I've been living with terrible PTSD for more than a decade. I work, have a young family and have had lots of therapy. On Saturday night I was sitting in my garage drinking and looking at the rafters. All I could think about was suicide. It was horrible. I knew it would pass. I've been there before- but it was just such awful suffering and pain. When I first started researching suicide and ptsd there was very little information - now sadly there's much more. Every anniversary I go crazy.. Absolutely insane... And when it's over it's always better than the last year.. Now I'm more traumatised from the illness journey than the actual event..
______________________________________________


9 REPLIES 9
pip
Senior Contributor

Re: PTSD

Okay. PTSD can last for ever, so it seems to the sufferer. I've had it for years too. Whenever I recall the abuse I suffered, the PTSD returns with a vengeance. Try to look on it as a terrible (but) temporary nightmare, which it actually is. Whatever trauma originally caused the PTSD, has actually stopped (I presume), so therefore the PTSD is the 'after shock'. When the anniversary approaches, start preparing yourself for it. Number 1) Do not sit alone drinking, 2) Do not go anywhere alone where the memories can 'attack', 3) If you feel the memories taking over, shake yourself and remind yourself, you are now safe. Memories and PTSD can't hurt you, you can control the memories by reminding yourself that that's what they are. I have a couple of things I have to do for myself now. People who don't know or understand think of me as a baby because of what I have to do. I cannot sleep in a bedroom with the door closed, I MUST have a nightlight on every night. I'm 65 and if I don't do these two things to protect me, the PTSD returns with a vengeance. Insensitive people like my ex FIL used to delight in telling me that when I leave the light on or don't shut the door, it means my abuser has 'won'. This is total rubbish, in doing what I do, I'm protecting the 'child' that was left unprotected. Do whatever it takes to protect you.
Okay
Casual Contributor

Re: PTSD

I guess when that trigger comes around it's such an ordeal.. Being selfish moody unpredictable.. The impact it has on my family.. Trying so hard to be " sane" - it's like being possessed .. I was polishing my shoes obsessively.. I bought six watches.. Drinking vodka straight out of the bottle.. Madness.. Usually I'm triggered really badly at the start of September but I think I had a weird reaction to a malaria drug that triggered me early... So I didn't see it coming this time and take the right counter measures..but that's it isn't it-- madness.. Battling craziness.. And I'm doing it now at 41 and I'll be doing it at 42 and so on through the years...

Re: PTSD

I had a wonderful GP explain to me that the month of ** was the worse month of the year for me ... he had noticed my stressors. 

It really helped me prepare .. coping counter measures ... and yes even if the counter measure seemed weird to others .. if it helps you get through it ... in my mind it may be worth it .. so I put myself in cotton wool for the chirstmas period and the birth of my daughter period.

I dont expect it to be easy ... but each year .. it is getting a bit easier ... not that life doesnt throw curved balls at me ... but dealing with PTSD and grief .. over a event or the MH states that follow ... may be with us for life ...

@pip's ideas seemed good to me ...

please dont do it there .. my brother did it there .. its shocking for family to find you ... please find a way to make peace with your SI.

I find I cannot extinguish it ... so i am getting used to talking to it like an annoying friend ... "Oh there you are again ya bastard" .. then I can separate ME from my SI ... and not be in its thrall.

regards Apple

Okay
Casual Contributor

Re: PTSD

It does get easier every year @Appleblossom - I'm so glad I had my crisis this weekend - it's almost like ok- bring it on- I thought I wasn't ready but I know I am now -- I've re engaged with my psycho therapist - I have weekly massage with a therapist who specialises in treating trauma ( physical touch can be so appalling with ptsd but is so healing) - I have a friend driving 600km today to spend the week with me and get me to 12 step meetings- and since our 3 year old started sleeping last year and were not awake 20x a night.. I'm starting to get a trusting relationship with my wife.. Who spent the last month trying to politely point out that I had flipped out .. 😳 I realise it's the alcohol I've been scared of.. Terrible..That's the wild card that could cause disaster.. I've lined up a few weeks in rehab .. It's a lot of work.. But today it feels worth it..
utopia
Senior Contributor

Re: PTSD

Hi @Okay. PTSD is a bugger. But I'm glad to hear each year gets a bit easier. I understand what you mean by more traumatised by the illness than the event itself.
I had great success with EMDR treatment for my PTSD. Only two mild attacks since I finished treatment last year. The last one in feb/march this year. My bf was with me and able to help me stop tge panic attack.
I hope your symptoms keep reducing over time and that you are able to control your SI. There are many here who have also experienced SI. Hopefully you will be able to connect up to them here.
Okay
Casual Contributor

Re: PTSD

Yeah EMDR is incredible.. Weird.. But incredible... I've had huge relief during my therapy from it..

Re: PTSD

I too have to have a nightlight but a closed door thanks for your post I found it insightful.

Hope4me
Senior Contributor

Re: PTSD

Hi @Okay;

You've had caring responses from @utopia @Appleblossom @pip @Chadlyme. It's nice to be able to speak with people who understand hey.

PTSD and Complex PTSD are insidious. Like @pip, I sleep with the door open and my bed pushed up against the wall so I face the door.

 

I hope this doesn't sound presumptuous of me, but I was wondering how you'd feel about considering challenging your anniversary in a good psych ward on voluntary admission, if not this year, then maybe next year. My suggestion's more about your safety, but also to be around health proffessionals who can guide you through things. They have access to medication and specialist support when required and may be able to teach you some skills to cope better as they can see it first hand. It can be frustrating trying to express what you went through with your psych 'post' traumatic episode.

 

Please, I'm not trying to cause grief because I know some people have a bad view of psych wards. In my case I self admitted after calling Lifeline to ask if my mindset was odd. No emotion, guilt, worry, anger...nothing...planning my demise in a written plan so very neatly drafted. I mean, nothing wrong with that right?

 

I guess what I'm saying is, you're self aware and that's a gift. I wasn't. I'd do it again in a heart beat though, because it unravelled the guts of what I was trying very hard to avoid facing. And, I actually really needed the rest. Never realised how very mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually draining 'coping' can be.

My supportive thoughts go out to you this weekend.

 

Hope Heart

Hope4me
Senior Contributor

Re: PTSD

Oh dear, I seemed to have responded in the wrong month. And, as it happens, the wrong 'year' as well. Am I embarrassed much? Ha ha ha, absolutley! Woman SurprisedWoman EmbarassedWoman Frustrated

 

Meant every word of it though so I'm leaving my post there. Hey @Chadlyme! Nice to meet you...Heart

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

Further information:

  • Loading...

For urgent assistance