Lived Experience Forum

[Hope21]

Hi, I'm new to this forum and thought it would be good to talk to some people who understand how I'm feeling.

I'm 27 and have been diagnosed with BPD, depression and anxiety. I have tried for years to change and be more 'normal' but it feels like its just an act and I just don't let people see the real me.

I am single, don't really have any friends and am not close with my family so I feel very alone all the time. My biggest fear in life is that I'll never get married or have kids and just be all alone. I had a career but that is on hold at the moment because I just can't go to work everyday and pretend I'm okay anymore.

I think about death on a daily basis and have had so many suicide attempts and overdoses over the years I've lost count. I feel like things are never going to change but I desperately I want them to. I just want to know what it feels like to be happy cause all I can feel is right now is everything bad.

I feel like such a horrible person sometimes when I see people post about getting engaged or being pregnant I can't even be happy for them because I'm just so envious.

Any advice from anyone else suffering from BPD would be greatly aporeciated. Thanks for reading.

[Appleblossom]

I have some BPD traits but have not been diagnosed. It is extremely difficult to cope with.

It seems harder when you feel longing to have things in your life that others around you do ... and then reject your own feelings.  Perhaps if you can be kinder to yourself around that ..

I sometimes wonder though that some of the rise of BPD is due to our society not managing the transition to adulthood well.  Its ok for those who waltz through milestones and are oblivious to the pain of others who do not share their seeming success.

Welcome to the forums @Hope21

[CherryBomb]

Welcome @Hope21

I like the your username. To me, it seems that despite thinking about suicide, you are looking for hope. Although you feel isolated, you are not alone. Many of the struggles that you talk about are experiences shared with other members on here. 

@Jacques speaks about how he struggles with suicidal ideation, and has for quite some time. But he manages to find hope. Perhaps he can offer some words of advice here Also @Billamba has written about BPD and managing emotions here.  There's also a discussion aboutromantic relationships and mental illness, which you might find useful. In it, @shanc who also has BPD talks about the difficulties they experience trying to sustain relationships. I wonder if any of these members can provide some advice about managing BPD?

Again welcome to the Forums @Hope21 Feel free to browse around and join in on other discussions. There's a few current lively ones that you're more than welcome to join in on. The night shift  is a thread where lots of members hang and chat, particularly when they're struggling at night time.

Hope to see you around.

CB

[Jacques]

Hi @Hope21,

My name is @Jacques, i am 34 year old male i have never been in a relationship, never kiss a girl, i am still a virgin. 

I have no friends and have been completly isolated from agrophobia for 15 years, i have never left my house for my entire 20's and very few times in my 30's i have little contact with family, maybe 3 times a year. 

I feel the same as you, i get so envious of people who are happy, i have even upset some family members to make them feel worse than me, i still feel guilty about that. 

It is good to see you can see where the problems are in your life and are willing to look for help and encouragment to change your life course, it is so easy to stay in the current path.

You show so much strength and courage reaching out to forums like this, i hope you find and met some great people on here and manage to turn your life around.

good luck with your journey

Jacques

[kylee]

Hi @Hope21
Normal is a state people conform to it is not a natural state of being but rather a mask.
My friend once told me "There are three types of people in the world. 1. Those who are messed up but in denial 2. Those who are messed up and hide it. 3. Those who are messed up and can't hide it.
The professionals have diagnosed you with BPD to explain your symptoms but you don't have to see yourself negatively, for example nearly everyone I have met with BPD are extremely passionate people which is such a fantastic quality. I know that you are feeling like your feelings have got the better of you but things can get better. I have been diagnosed with schizo affective disorder then after 5 years they changed it to Borderline because I had a couple attempts of self harming. I have diagnosed myself as a creative genius with bouts of extremely intense thoughts and feelings. Both the doctors diagnosis and mine are true the difference is his only trained to see it in a negative light.
The thing I have come to learn is what people call disabled I call differentlyabled because while you may have out of the ordinary weaknesses that others don't have it also means you have out of the ordinary strengths others don't have.
A quote from me
'One can not be normal and extraordinary at the same time.'

[RoseRuby]

Hi there friend - I am new to this as well, but feel your experiences and pain at the moment, have gone through almost similar to yours.  I lost many friends and famly through the years and do feel alone most of the time, sometimes I find something that makes me what to live not thing about ending life (anymore) .... like simple things the beautiful weather, lovely flowers, a nice comment from a friend of stranger, I could go on and on. 

I still find it hard too, too make each day happy and make me fell like I am not worthless.. Mental Health is still a huge issue for mayy people who believe it does not exist, like my Grandma used to say, 'just pull your socks up!'

Today, is Valentines Day - (I have a suppoutive partner), although today is very commercial, here is something for you - "How spectauclar love this LOVE, that bursts forth breathtaking beauty".  Believe in that and love will come to you...

Take care....

[shanc]

@Hope21
Hi
I haven't been on here for a while and the first post I read is yours. I felt like I was reading my own diary (if I actually had one)
Though i am not jealous but am envious of others that have their own family. On a daily basis I ask myself if I should come to terms with the fact I may never meet anyone and therefore will never have babies, maybe adopt.
I have no no family, have lost two important relationships that I am still trying to get over.
I drink way too much and feel utterly hopeless and down.
I know none of this is supportive but want to let you know I know exactly the feelings you are having and hope that we can write on these forums and help each other and the others fighting the fun of BPD

[RoseRuby]

Hi again  you are not worthless, you are a true living person full of love.  It is hard not to have a partner or children of my own - but I am past my age for that, that I am thankful I can help others.  With my anxiety/ depression and past alcohol dependency, I have a list of things of things to do each day on my bedside table - which you might find funny!  Have breakfast, do housework, go for a walk, shower and try and sieze the rest of the day! "Carpe Diem".

[GothMum]

Hi @Hope21. You are definitely not alone. But if I had to put my two pennies in, and I absolutely do not wish to be flamed for this.... And as someone who had the marriage and has the kids, despite never really believing that it would happen for me.... It can be exceptionally difficult to live with mental illness AND parent well. As a person who was (poorly) parented by a mother who struggled with (uncontrolled) mental illness, I can attest to how devastating both positions can be. Please try to get on with living a personally worthwhile life. If you are to meet a potential parenting partner, it's more likely to occur because you are getting on with things that make you feel good about yourself, than if you are feeling jealous of others.

And, don't try to be "normal"! The 'normals' can always, sooner or later, detect feigned normalcy, and if normal ain't part of your makeup it will never feel authentic or comfortable anyway. Try to be true to yourself.

i wish you inner peace, and welcome to our discussions 😎

[dr-ev-md]

             NORMAL IS A BUTTON ON YOUR WASHING MACHINE