Lived Experience Forum

[lostit]

Programs and treatments. Doctors and counsellors. Quizzes about what I expect to achieve. Being asked if I have thoughts of self harming.

Jargon and gleening for indications that I need to be shoe-horned into some kind of program or teatment. Hasty diagnoses, guinea-pigging and pidgeon-holing.

"What do you hope to get out of this?"

I'm a six year old, a three year old, at best I'm a new born baby. "What do I want?"

Nothing. 

Sit with me like there's no such thing as time. Like there's no destination. No race. No pressure.  

Something's happened and I got messed up, that's all. It's not going to go away. It won't unhappen.

Treat me as a client and I'll always be one, standing at the end of the long corridor, looking at the clock and thinking "How long till lunch?". Talking to some other client about how that's all we ever do.

But there's three of you and thirty of us. Some of us are suffering more than others and have different needs. It's a weirdo's fishbowl.

Just let me have a winge for a while.

I've been hit and I think I might've been ashamed of that. The guilt of the wounded, the victims, "How could I let that happen to me?" "Don't show it to anyone." "Hide it." Shame.

[MoonGal]

@lostit - you said "Sit with me like there's no such thing as time. Like there's no destination. No race. No pressure." I hope you find that with someone you trust, it is very clear telling what you need.

I get that response to  "what do you need?" and the child-in-me being frozen, not even understanding the question.

I wonder if we were just held and loved through it, as ugly, or harsh or distressed as we are we might not feel a whole heap better. I am learning to 'hold' myself in it, rather than trying to fix it and that is a whole new way of being.

Thanks for your honesty and insight.

[lostit]

Thank you @MoonGal. Funny thing about the 'holding' is I edited that from the original version of the post. But also there's a connection with the holding of physical and emotional abuses which relates to the last couple of lines. Holding it in out of shame that someone will see we've been injured. Anyway, thanks for liking it and for the feedback especially.

[MoonGal]

Ah yes, @lostit, I absolutely mean 'holding with love and attention" like we would an injured child, or animal - not holding it in and harming ourselves more because of it, thanks for the clarification.

[Mosaic]

Hi @lostit

Firstly welcome to the Forums! I do hope you will find it a helpful and welcoming place to hang out and interact with likeminded others. Thank you so much for taking the time to share some of your experience with the community. It sounds like you are reflecting quite a bit on your experience. I am sure many of the members here can relate to many aspects of your story, and the frustration that you feel with the mental health system, and the various professionals you have encountered along the way. 

I look forward hearing more of your story, and seeing you you around the place 🙂

[lostit]

Generally speaking, I do appreciate the people who work at the three or four places I've been to. But usually when I'm there @Mosaic, I really don't know what's happening, I guess I'm a bit depressed merely by the fact that I'm in such a place, nevermind the way I feel about what's caused that visit. And I guess I'd extend that to some of my experiences getting phone counselling.

But I find that by the end of my stay at a hospital, I'd rather not leave, just stay there and be nice and comfy with the prepared meals, the interesting conversation and of course the wonderful staff who do pretty well to take care of all of us.

[Appleblossom]

I hope the connectedness of and online forum like this can replace the conversations in mhu ... and be even better ... where we can talk about the deepest most important issues of our lives without fear or shame.

I could relate to the idea of wanting someone to just BE with me ... through the bad stuff.