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Dark_Olena
Senior Contributor

My introduction story, hello.

Hello, This is my first post to an Aussie forum. I’ve been a member of many a foreign country forum. So it does feel strange. My first remembered experience of a panic attack was when I was about 12, when my drunk father went psycho in the family kitchen.

He threw kitchen chairs and anything he could throw, even punnets of strawberries. I bolted and my whole family had bolted long before me, as I was looking for my kitten. I thought my dad had also thrown my kitten. 

I got on my bike and rode the fastest I could. I couldn’t breathe and thought I’d developed asthma for the first time and this I believe was my first panic attack. I knew at 12 my dad was an abusive alcoholic. He often would target me as I was the most sensitive. He hated his new life in Australia and had issues of self esteem so he took them out on me.

I didn’t get too many more panic and anxiety attacks until I was 17. Its been a hell ride ever since. I have moments of time where panic and anxiety took a break, but I was always reserved in not making waves or being too noticed because what will people think. I was raised, not good enough.

I’ve not been diagnosed as such, but it is evident. I suffer anxiety and panic with bouts of depression. I’ve asked to be diagnosed, but psychologists being what they are won’t give the label. They say, ‘whats it going to prove?’ They say, we need to be objective.

I am now shopping for a new psychologist, and have a list from the gp with about 150 to pick from. Eye roll.

Up to today. I am going through some of the worst anxiety and depression to date and even need a prescription of medication.
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and its all I think about.. This is affecting my health and I can feel the constant adrenaline is going to hurt me.
Silly me looked up dr google about constant anxiety and depression and I found psycho-social stress and how stroke is a risk factor. So now I’m worried about that.

We buried our 13year old Staffy, Rose 3 weeks ago at home and that just plunged my into severe grief and 2 days after her burial my sister who lives upper queensland tells my she has cancer on her lung.

My whole body just tingles really loudly from the top of my head right through to my feet in the most horrible way, the darkness of it all just resides in the pit of my stomach now and when I take a short nap from exhaustion,
I wake up in shock because it is real. I force myself to eat now, because I just feel like vomiting all the time.

Most people when they have bad news pull themselves back from the escalating thoughts of cancer but not me. I jump from 1 diagnosis straight to 10, she going to die.

I hate myself, because I am hot handling it like my younger sister who is an oncologist nurse and I’m not saying she is handling better but it appears that way. My sister with cancer prefers I don’t call her, because my upset would affect her. So I feel really weak and pathetic.

I am too panicky to find out any more about her surgery date to remove the cancer stage 4 from her brain which is aggressive. There is stage 2 on her lung. I have not heard the prognosis for her. I am really close to her, because we have suffered the same horrible crap in our family from our father and then now our crazy mother and sister. So we are 3 sisters who are close. My depression is the fact of my older sister really has had the most bad luck of her life  and now this cancer just tops it off.

I know I am trying to push away from it, don’t want further news. I sound selfish, but I don’t want to feel more worse than I do. Its not just grief, its really complicated grief.

I have to keep it from myself and only talk with my husband about it and he thinks I have a choice in how I am dealing with it. I am not allowed to talk with anyone else as our mother and other sister are cut out of our life for being psycho toxic and abusive.

Every hour is a struggle, I hope I have not scared anyone here with my current situation. The sadness is really painful and the shock out of sleep is horrendous.

Thank you for reading

Dark Olena

 

13 REPLIES 13

Re: My introduction story, hello.

Good Morning @Dark_Olena

Welcome to our forum, a real Aussie one! I'm sure you'll find the members here very friendly, kind and caring.

You've had a really rough ride with life and your feelings are quite understandable. Anxiety and panic attacks are frequently accompanied by depression. I'm wondering though if it would be better for you to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist at the moment. Medications are available that can be very effective in reducing both anxiety and depression and this could well put you in a much better position to remain calmer about your sister's cancer.

Cancer is a tough call and is challenging for any family to deal with and make sense of something that is frightening and incomprehensible for most people. All those why questions tend to spin madly in our minds.

If your sister is worried about seeing you at the moment a good way to keep in contact is through messages and little gifts you can put in the post. This way you can still support her without either of you getting too distressed.

Do see your GP again and ask about seeing a psychiatrist as well as a psychologist because your life story as you described it is quite complex.

Keep talking here about your hopes and fears and we'll do all we can to accompany you on this journey. If you are feeling desperate and need to talk to someone, don't forget that LifeLine 131114 is available 24/7 including public holidays. Beyondblue offer a similar service but I'm sorry I can't remember the phone number at the moment.

Do take care. We care about you 💕🎶

Re: My introduction story, hello.

@Dark_Olena. Well done for posting your story. Let me first say - you are one strong woman to get this far in life. You most likely don't feel strong at the moment because of your depression and all the trauma you are going through.
I have depression and anxiety. earlier this year I went to hospital for 4 weeks. I got my first psychiatrist - even though I've been on anti depressants for over 10 years. Best thing ever. He reduced my AD's and changed my medication. After hospital I continue to see him fortnightly and I also see my psychologist. He has helped me learn how to deal with stress better - so that I don't fall into my depressive vortex.
Everyone reacts differently to stressful situations. Don't be hard on yourself. As you say - you were sensitive as a child. I think a lot of us on this site are sensitive caring soulsand we can be damaged easily.
I'm glad you are going to see a new psychologist - maybe ph a few and explain you are looking for a therapist who has experience with panic attacks, depression and childhood abuse. It's so important to get a good psychologist. I think it would also be good to get an appointment with a psychiatrist - who can diagnose and recommend appropriate medications.
For the moment though - it might be good to practice a breathing exercise. Simply breath in deeply into your diaphragm (if you put your hands on your tummy - when you breath in the tummy will rise & when you breath out the tummy will go down). Try and do 3 deep breaths in & out - then simply breath at a normal rate. All you need to do is keep focusing on breathing in & breathing out. Don't worry if your mind wanders. When you notice that - just focus on noticing your breathing again. Even 5 minutes of this will help calm down your breath. Try doing it a few times a day. I find it really helps me settle.
You can also ring LifeLine or BeyondBlue if you need to speak to someone. They can help. And they are available 24 hrs every day.
You have been through a lot. And you are going through some tough times at the moment. Keep talking on this site. I find it helps to know people understand how I'm feeling and can give me support.
I'm here if you want to talk.

Re: My introduction story, hello.

Hi @Dark_Olena,

Thank you for taking the time to share your story on our forums. I hope you find some comfort here. It sounds like you are going through a really difficult time at the moment, and you have every reason to feel the way you do. Seeking professional help can be tough, however, it is a very useful tool to use to help cope and manage your emotions.

Here is a link to an APS website where you can search for a psychologist in your area and tag specific issues you want the psychologist to have experience in. For example, you can tag "Panic Disorder", "Depression", "Grief", and "Anxiety", put in your location, and it will come up with registered psychologists in your area, in the relevant fields. Smiley Happy

Thank you @Kurra and @utopia, you both mentioned some brilliant techniques to help get through some difficult times! Seeking help and managing your breathing are a great start. @ThirtyOne and @pip, do you have any other useful resources or suggestions that can be added here?

Have a look around the forums, you might find some useful posts that you can relate to. We also have posts on here for some day-to-day support and chats, e.g. Night ShiftSmiley Happy

Take care of yourself,

Jac-in-the-box

Re: My introduction story, hello.

Hi @Dark_Olena. To say you've had it rough is an understatement. I'm so sorry you had such a terrible time growing up with an abusive alcoholic father. Mine was alcoholic, but he was also narcissist, so that was difficult. It also sounds like there's some PTSD as well. Getting a 'name' for your problem would probably ease your mind. Once we have a definite name that we can identify with, seems to help with the healing. PTSD covers most of what you are experiencing. Panic attacks/depression/grief/anxiety, these all come into PTSD symptoms. The breathing techniques are excellent, but in order to master them, you have to know how. utopia suggested you inhale deep into your diaphragm, when you practise these techniques, I would suggest you close your eyes. When you close your eyes, it seems to help when you're trying to concentrate with breathing. Inhale slowly, through your mouth, hold your breath till count 5, then exhale slowly through your nose. If you have some relaxation music, play it If you have a Dr you trust, contact him/her and ask for referral to a psychologist. Try to explain your reason for wishing to see the psych. If possible write it down before you go. Often seeing a Dr, our nerves seem to desert us, so writing down what you want makes it easier when you see the Dr.

Re: My introduction story, hello.

Hi Kurra, Thankyou for your time in responding. I appreciate it. I hope I can get a good psychologist. The gp has prescribed me calming meds, which I am worried about, because she says they are highly addictive. I emailed my sister with cancer and she is yet to get back, I kept it simple but with empathy, to let me know if she knows a surgery date so I can pray for her on this day and that I love her lots. I didn't waffle on like I can usually do about things. I don't like the idea of SSRIs as I know a lot of people who are now numb with no empathy and as I see it psychiatrist prescribe SSRIs as well as calming meds. Thanks for welcoming me.

Re: My introduction story, hello.

Hi utopia, Thankyou for responding to my story. I don’t think i am strong but thanks for saying so. I so wish at times I was a straight thinking less thinking person with no sensitivity. It hurts to feel so much. I do think sensitivity is a side effect of childhood emotional neglect. I like your idea of researching a therapist with experience types.
I too am glad for the help you are receiving, the breathing exercises do help to minimise and take down the body stress response. I will try and get a psychiatrist, but I am afraid a bit of anti depressants as they can make some people with no feeling at all, which is a bit ironic to what I said in my 2nd sentence.
I would like a psychiatrist that bulk bills and I only know of one and my daughter is on calming meds for her anxiety associated with Aspergers and I don’t want them to think I am not ok because I care for my daughter. I just hope more than one bulk bills where I am, so the place who looks after my daughter will know nothing of my issues.
Listening to water streams and birds on a mynoise app is so helpful too, I hope linking an app on here is not against a board rule. If so sorry and I can fix it.
Thank you for welcoming me.

Re: My introduction story, hello.

Hi jack-in-the-box, Thankyou for your reply. I am very familiar with therapy and psychologists and a bit wary as I am tired of shopping for the one I really need, but I see you have given my a tool I would have loved to know years ago. I don't really like psychotherapy as all they do is seem to nod with sympathy and ask me 'how does that make you feel' for me I feel it keeps me stuck in the depressive cycle. I really want strategies and things to try. Just talking just cements how I feel, when they say the need to stay objective when I have begged them to offer my a tool or strategy. Thank you for making feel at home.

Re: My introduction story, hello.

Thanks pip, I do believe I am in one massive episode of PTSD. My dad was a horrible drunk and abusive, he died at 50 of liver cancer. Now my mother is 80 and she is evil toxic and I cut her out 2009 along with one of her daughters. She was picking on my daughter 11 at the time and I said to my child Sweety we won't be seeing Oma anymore and you don't need to worry about what she says to you, cause she won't be able to if we don't see her anymore.
I always write my doctor notes on paper as I'm usually too anxious to talk about them and I don't won't anything left out. She is Lithuanian and very hard to understand so again writing my notes is easier for that too.
Thanks for your welcome

Re: My introduction story, hello.

Hi Dark_Olena

You mentioned concerns about SSRI medications. There is many different types of SSRI available now and different ones are better than others for different people.

I had never responded to any antidepressants until early this year. My anxiety levels and depression were so high that I spoke to the GP about whether he would recommend anything that might relieve the anxiety at least. He recommended one that has changed my life completely. I am at long last the person I believe I was born to be. If you can try to have the courage to try different SSRIs it could make your life a lot easier.

Thinking of you 💕🎶
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