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17-09-2016 08:28 AM
17-09-2016 08:28 AM
My introduction story, hello.
Hello, This is my first post to an Aussie forum. I’ve been a member of many a foreign country forum. So it does feel strange. My first remembered experience of a panic attack was when I was about 12, when my drunk father went psycho in the family kitchen.
He threw kitchen chairs and anything he could throw, even punnets of strawberries. I bolted and my whole family had bolted long before me, as I was looking for my kitten. I thought my dad had also thrown my kitten.
I got on my bike and rode the fastest I could. I couldn’t breathe and thought I’d developed asthma for the first time and this I believe was my first panic attack. I knew at 12 my dad was an abusive alcoholic. He often would target me as I was the most sensitive. He hated his new life in Australia and had issues of self esteem so he took them out on me.
I didn’t get too many more panic and anxiety attacks until I was 17. Its been a hell ride ever since. I have moments of time where panic and anxiety took a break, but I was always reserved in not making waves or being too noticed because what will people think. I was raised, not good enough.
I’ve not been diagnosed as such, but it is evident. I suffer anxiety and panic with bouts of depression. I’ve asked to be diagnosed, but psychologists being what they are won’t give the label. They say, ‘whats it going to prove?’ They say, we need to be objective.
I am now shopping for a new psychologist, and have a list from the gp with about 150 to pick from. Eye roll.
Up to today. I am going through some of the worst anxiety and depression to date and even need a prescription of medication.
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and its all I think about.. This is affecting my health and I can feel the constant adrenaline is going to hurt me.
Silly me looked up dr google about constant anxiety and depression and I found psycho-social stress and how stroke is a risk factor. So now I’m worried about that.
We buried our 13year old Staffy, Rose 3 weeks ago at home and that just plunged my into severe grief and 2 days after her burial my sister who lives upper queensland tells my she has cancer on her lung.
My whole body just tingles really loudly from the top of my head right through to my feet in the most horrible way, the darkness of it all just resides in the pit of my stomach now and when I take a short nap from exhaustion,
I wake up in shock because it is real. I force myself to eat now, because I just feel like vomiting all the time.
Most people when they have bad news pull themselves back from the escalating thoughts of cancer but not me. I jump from 1 diagnosis straight to 10, she going to die.
I hate myself, because I am hot handling it like my younger sister who is an oncologist nurse and I’m not saying she is handling better but it appears that way. My sister with cancer prefers I don’t call her, because my upset would affect her. So I feel really weak and pathetic.
I am too panicky to find out any more about her surgery date to remove the cancer stage 4 from her brain which is aggressive. There is stage 2 on her lung. I have not heard the prognosis for her. I am really close to her, because we have suffered the same horrible crap in our family from our father and then now our crazy mother and sister. So we are 3 sisters who are close. My depression is the fact of my older sister really has had the most bad luck of her life and now this cancer just tops it off.
I know I am trying to push away from it, don’t want further news. I sound selfish, but I don’t want to feel more worse than I do. Its not just grief, its really complicated grief.
I have to keep it from myself and only talk with my husband about it and he thinks I have a choice in how I am dealing with it. I am not allowed to talk with anyone else as our mother and other sister are cut out of our life for being psycho toxic and abusive.
Every hour is a struggle, I hope I have not scared anyone here with my current situation. The sadness is really painful and the shock out of sleep is horrendous.
Thank you for reading
Dark Olena
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17-09-2016 10:24 AM
17-09-2016 10:24 AM
Re: My introduction story, hello.
Welcome to our forum, a real Aussie one! I'm sure you'll find the members here very friendly, kind and caring.
You've had a really rough ride with life and your feelings are quite understandable. Anxiety and panic attacks are frequently accompanied by depression. I'm wondering though if it would be better for you to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist at the moment. Medications are available that can be very effective in reducing both anxiety and depression and this could well put you in a much better position to remain calmer about your sister's cancer.
Cancer is a tough call and is challenging for any family to deal with and make sense of something that is frightening and incomprehensible for most people. All those why questions tend to spin madly in our minds.
If your sister is worried about seeing you at the moment a good way to keep in contact is through messages and little gifts you can put in the post. This way you can still support her without either of you getting too distressed.
Do see your GP again and ask about seeing a psychiatrist as well as a psychologist because your life story as you described it is quite complex.
Keep talking here about your hopes and fears and we'll do all we can to accompany you on this journey. If you are feeling desperate and need to talk to someone, don't forget that LifeLine 131114 is available 24/7 including public holidays. Beyondblue offer a similar service but I'm sorry I can't remember the phone number at the moment.
Do take care. We care about you 💕🎶
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17-09-2016 02:45 PM
17-09-2016 02:45 PM
Re: My introduction story, hello.
I have depression and anxiety. earlier this year I went to hospital for 4 weeks. I got my first psychiatrist - even though I've been on anti depressants for over 10 years. Best thing ever. He reduced my AD's and changed my medication. After hospital I continue to see him fortnightly and I also see my psychologist. He has helped me learn how to deal with stress better - so that I don't fall into my depressive vortex.
Everyone reacts differently to stressful situations. Don't be hard on yourself. As you say - you were sensitive as a child. I think a lot of us on this site are sensitive caring soulsand we can be damaged easily.
I'm glad you are going to see a new psychologist - maybe ph a few and explain you are looking for a therapist who has experience with panic attacks, depression and childhood abuse. It's so important to get a good psychologist. I think it would also be good to get an appointment with a psychiatrist - who can diagnose and recommend appropriate medications.
For the moment though - it might be good to practice a breathing exercise. Simply breath in deeply into your diaphragm (if you put your hands on your tummy - when you breath in the tummy will rise & when you breath out the tummy will go down). Try and do 3 deep breaths in & out - then simply breath at a normal rate. All you need to do is keep focusing on breathing in & breathing out. Don't worry if your mind wanders. When you notice that - just focus on noticing your breathing again. Even 5 minutes of this will help calm down your breath. Try doing it a few times a day. I find it really helps me settle.
You can also ring LifeLine or BeyondBlue if you need to speak to someone. They can help. And they are available 24 hrs every day.
You have been through a lot. And you are going through some tough times at the moment. Keep talking on this site. I find it helps to know people understand how I'm feeling and can give me support.
I'm here if you want to talk.
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17-09-2016 03:24 PM
17-09-2016 03:24 PM
Re: My introduction story, hello.
Hi @Dark_Olena,
Thank you for taking the time to share your story on our forums. I hope you find some comfort here. It sounds like you are going through a really difficult time at the moment, and you have every reason to feel the way you do. Seeking professional help can be tough, however, it is a very useful tool to use to help cope and manage your emotions.
Here is a link to an APS website where you can search for a psychologist in your area and tag specific issues you want the psychologist to have experience in. For example, you can tag "Panic Disorder", "Depression", "Grief", and "Anxiety", put in your location, and it will come up with registered psychologists in your area, in the relevant fields.
Thank you @Kurra and @utopia, you both mentioned some brilliant techniques to help get through some difficult times! Seeking help and managing your breathing are a great start. @ThirtyOne and @pip, do you have any other useful resources or suggestions that can be added here?
Have a look around the forums, you might find some useful posts that you can relate to. We also have posts on here for some day-to-day support and chats, e.g. Night Shift;
Take care of yourself,
Jac-in-the-box
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17-09-2016 03:58 PM
17-09-2016 03:58 PM
Re: My introduction story, hello.
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18-09-2016 09:45 AM
18-09-2016 09:45 AM
Re: My introduction story, hello.
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18-09-2016 10:04 AM
18-09-2016 10:04 AM
Re: My introduction story, hello.
I too am glad for the help you are receiving, the breathing exercises do help to minimise and take down the body stress response. I will try and get a psychiatrist, but I am afraid a bit of anti depressants as they can make some people with no feeling at all, which is a bit ironic to what I said in my 2nd sentence.
I would like a psychiatrist that bulk bills and I only know of one and my daughter is on calming meds for her anxiety associated with Aspergers and I don’t want them to think I am not ok because I care for my daughter. I just hope more than one bulk bills where I am, so the place who looks after my daughter will know nothing of my issues.
Listening to water streams and birds on a mynoise app is so helpful too, I hope linking an app on here is not against a board rule. If so sorry and I can fix it.
Thank you for welcoming me.
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18-09-2016 10:09 AM
18-09-2016 10:09 AM
Re: My introduction story, hello.
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18-09-2016 10:19 AM
18-09-2016 10:19 AM
Re: My introduction story, hello.
I always write my doctor notes on paper as I'm usually too anxious to talk about them and I don't won't anything left out. She is Lithuanian and very hard to understand so again writing my notes is easier for that too.
Thanks for your welcome
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18-09-2016 11:10 AM
18-09-2016 11:10 AM
Re: My introduction story, hello.
You mentioned concerns about SSRI medications. There is many different types of SSRI available now and different ones are better than others for different people.
I had never responded to any antidepressants until early this year. My anxiety levels and depression were so high that I spoke to the GP about whether he would recommend anything that might relieve the anxiety at least. He recommended one that has changed my life completely. I am at long last the person I believe I was born to be. If you can try to have the courage to try different SSRIs it could make your life a lot easier.
Thinking of you 💕🎶