Lived Experience Forum

[utopia]

I bought up with my psychologist today, that I don't understand why he keeps mentioning my values - as I believe I have good values & I like them.
Then he explained; It's about my core values of compassion, empathy, being heard, loving, etc - that I have & used to show to my clients in my previous job - didn't match up with the core values that work / the company was displaying.
So I would show my true self to our clients, but was wearing a mask with the staff & company, because I was pretending I was coping. I was not being assertive in demanding that I be treated the same way we treated our clients.
As he said, there is nothing wrong with my core values. But by burying my feelings & pretending & not getting the respect I deserved - it just ate away at me until finally my brain couldn't take it anymore & when the workplace incident happened, that was the final kick to my brain.
It just makes so much sense. And I can see how it has affected not just this job, but my past relationships. How I learnt not to request & be assertive in what I needed from others, as I learnt from my childhood, by not being listened to.
It may be obvious for some of you, but it is a huge light bulb moment for me. I'm unbelievably happy as I know this is going to make a huge difference in my life: from finding work and being successful, to having a love relationship & having better communication with my son.
I feel like shouting it out to the world -
I'm going to get better & start living the life I was meant to live.
We will start working on being assertive without being rude next week. I can't wait.
My wish for EVERYONE on this site, ot that you too have a light bulb moment soon, that helps you in your recovery.
Love to everyone

[Mosaic]

Hi @utopia 

That sounds like you had a wonderful sessions with your psychologist. I am so glad you got so much out of it - those 'lightbulb moments' can be so powerful, and steer our lives in an entirely new direction.

It's good to hear your psychologist is keen to spend your next sessions working on how to implement assertiveness without being rude (people often confuse assertiveness with aggression - two very different things). Assertiveness involves voicing your opinions, wants or needs, while still being respectful of others. Aggression involves voicing your opinions, wants or needs in a way that attacks, steps on or ignores others (aka being rude). Passivity on the other hand is when people struggle to voice their opinions, wants or needs at all. Since working in mental health, I have noticed so many people struggle with assertiveness, and it can really have a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves and the world around us. Feeling unheard, misunderstood or judged are signs that we are perhaps not being as assertive as we could or should be in a given situation. One place where it can be hard to be assertive is at work, where our livelihood depends on gettling along with others, especially our superiors. Has this been your experience @utopia?

Assertiveness doesn't come naturally for everyone, it's more a skill that we can learn. But once you pick it up and get the hang of it, those skills can really set you free! In so many areas of life. I am so glad you are feeling so liberated after your session today. Be sure to keep us posted with how things go in your next session! I'm keen to hear how it goes 🙂

Take care.

[utopia]

Thank you @Mosaic. I didn't do the assertiveness group session when I was in hospital because I thought I was assertive. How wrong I was. I wasn't assertive, I'd let things simmer and then explode like a volcano & be rude and domineering.
I am excited to learn this now. The first 45 years may have been hard, but I'm determined that I will have a more content peaceful future.
Yes it was hard at my last job to be assertive. Too many managers making decisions without understanding the work we did, & when I tried to explain, I was shut down. Pretty much the same as my dad used to do when I was a kid / teen.
Already did my homework the psychologist set me and have written heaps about what has come up today.
I wrote on this subject today because previously I'd mentioned on this site that I didn't understand why he wanted to delve into my values & others on here had said similar things. Hopefully they will read this and it may help them.
It can only be a win/win situation and I'll definitely share my journey with everyone.
Thanks again for your positivity

[Former-Member]

Hi @utopia. I think we are in similar places. I struggled to do the values sessions too. I sometimes struggle because my values come in conflict often then I don't cope. But I hear you loud and clear about the being assertive. My therapist has been taking it from a needs perspective. I had no idea I had needs. I knew everyone else did but was and still am learning mine. When she asks me what need is not being met I often go into a spin because I'm clueless. I'm just starting to work it out and it is helping now that I'm a bit more stable since hospital. I'm really please for your lightbulb moment. I knew you'd get this, you deal with logic so well. Well done you for persevering too. It does get frustrating when we can't see it or can't see the relevance. Looking forward to hearing how it goes next session. 💜😊

[utopia]

Thanks @Former-Member. I like logic and I get annoyed and then down on myself when I just don't get something. Because I asked the psychologist why he talks about them - we spent the whole session with me swearing and saying I get it! One thing just led to another thing - that then led to my dad and childhood. I thought I delt with him long ago. But now I know I worked through my issues regarding his mental illness, but I don't think I delt with HIM as a person. And I hate his so called morals and values. But he's dead now. In a better place & I'm glad he's no longer tormented. But I will work with my psychologist to get those last bits of anger and disappointment etc that I feel about dad.
Next Thursday we will be doing CBT relating to work. We will also combine these sessions with exercises in assertiveness in the workplace. All of this will help me in other areas of my life. So yep. I'm excited!
One thing he did say to me is that our core values - those that don't change over the years - are also some of our needs. I hate not feeling like I've been heard. Like I'm invisible. And I try not to make anyone feel that way. Sothat is a value of mine. But more so, it is a need. And my 2 ex husbands were not men who would hear me.
Do you know what your core values are - or some of them? Eg: your strength (you won't give up), your generosity (you share your knowledge with others), your compassion (you care for the people on this site). Could these also be some of your needs. Fir people to be generous to you. To be compassionate to you. For you to show your strength to others or to be recognised for it.
Just some thoughts. Let me know what you think. But I'll definitely let you know what I understand from CBT next week.

[Okay]

Love that light bulb moment!

[Sahara]

Hi @utopia, 

I had a huge realization in therapy, very similar to yours.  I had also spent many years in relationships and jobs where I was not heard and my values did not seem to be important. Consequently, I was always wearing a mask, too. I felt that I had to pretend to be happy with my situation because "that's what people do" - they put up and they shut up, in order to get by.

Wrong!!

Putting up with situations where your values are always compromised leads to depression. It is far better to leave a relationship and be alone and to leave a job and be unemployed than it is to live a lie. I found this out the hard way. 

I was brought up with a moody, angry domineering mother and in order to 'get by' I made myself very small. I made no demands, I had no opinions and expressed no emotion. I carried these traits with me to adulthood. My mother made me into the perfect target for those who wished to use and exploit me, as I did not know how to stick up for myself, other than to run away. 

Thank the Good Lord that I was very proficient in running away!  

I became a "bolter". I was always leaving everything. 

At least now I understand my reasons for leaving jobs and relationships. I now can put my efforts into finding situations that accommodate and support my values. It isn't always easy!

[utopia]

@Sahara. You had a light bulb moment too. Very similar to mine. Strange but I never thought I was damaged, but damage was done. Subtle comments here and there, expecially about my worth as a girl. I really thought I'd dealt with it and moved on. But it obviously had a bigger impact than I thought. I'm not angry about it. I'm just glad that i made the discovery and I can now make changes that are right for me.
I'm glad you are also on this journey. We will learn new ways of dealing with self worth & we will be able to no longer wear a mask, just to work.
Good luck

[LadyLover62]

Hi Utopia,
Love those light bulb moments!
Go well, Go free!
All the best

[utopia]

Thank you @LadyLover62. One step at a time. But I'm feeling more positive every day.