Lived Experience Forum

[Kalliades]

Hi, I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this, I'm giving it a go because its something I've never tried before and I havent really talked about my issues for a while. 

I'm 27 years old and have been living with depression and anxiety for nearly 15 years. I have the most incredible, supportive family who have always been there for me. When I was younger I told my parents everything and so came to hate myself for all the times I hurt them by telling them I wished I was dead.

So I stopped talking about it. I have always believed that I have these problems because I am weak and why should my weakness cause anyone else to suffer? I swore to myself that I would never self-harm, no matter how much I wanted to. Because that would be the ultimate slap in the face to the people who have tried so hard to help me and that all I'd given in return was pain. 

I would fight my battles alone.

And so about 5 years ago I changed my approach. I isolated myself from the world, pushed away the small group of friends I still had left from high school and tried to focus on just two things. Keeping my job and masking my pain. I didnt have to enjoy life, just get through it.   

I did everything I could to give up hope. I would never have a girlfriend or mates or a career but maybe if I accepted it, then I could live with it. So thats how I've been living. I spend the week at work looking forward to the weekend. Then on Saturday, I look forward to Monday when I can go back to work.

I fooled myself into thinking that this was the brave thing to do. I told myself I was fighting It but all I was really doing was hiding from It. 

And now here I am. Finally its dawned on me that I cant live like this, and whats worse is, I know that I've wasted what should have been the best years of my life.

I'm a 27 year old virgin, with practically no friends and have never been in a relationship. Not the greatest dating profile in the world hey? And I'm still just as terrified of all the things that sent me into hiding in the first place. 

Like I said, I dont know why I'm writing this, I dont want sympathy. Maybe its becasue I read that sharing your story can be helpful to yourself and others in a similar position. Maybe theres a tiny shred of hope left in me that dosent think I'm beyond help. Or maybe it was just a good way to waste a few hours seeing as how I've read all my favourite books about a dozen times.

Either way, thanks for reading.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Kalliades
I can echo many of the things in your post. I can relate to the feelings of weakness and isolating myself and waiting for the week end then when it arrives waiting for Monday. And I relate to not wanting sympathy. I've recently learned though that sometimes having someone listen (on the forum) with empathy and a "me too" helps to not feel so alone. What I personally get out of the forum of late is that once my story is out (and in my case my intense behaviours are outed) and not judged its helping to find out who I really am by talking to people here. It also helps with finding some strategies you may not have tried during the rough times.
Welcome to the forum. I hope it helps 💜😊🤗

[meggles1]

I agree with Teej - the forum has definitely reminded me I'm not alone which is huge. The ability to be totally honest ( many of us expend so much energy pretending/masking) is very liberating. I've also taken up suggestions for a few strategies that have helped. Glad you shared.

[JoseJones]

Hi @Kalliades,

Welcome to the forum.   It sounded like at the beginning of your post, you werw wondering what you might get out of this.  I hope you did end up finding some relief in typing the story up and getting the story out. I do think it's an incredibly brave thing to do, not only because you're opening up to strangers but also because you're confronting the feelings as they come up while you're composing your post. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Stories are the lifeblood of our community, and we all benefit from reading each other's experiences.  I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so isolated and low.  It also sounds like you have a lot of regrets about the way you've handled things in recent years.  All I can say is that in life, we all explore different ways of managing our situations, and it can't be known what will work or how well it will work until we have some time to reflect.  You did the best you could with the knowledge you have.  I also know that many people would question the notion that the 20s are the best years of your life.  Some people hit their stride in their 30s, 40s and 50s and many people's experience of life gets better once they know themselves and the world better with experience.  It sounds like you're in a place of regret for what has been, but I hope there's eventually a space for some optimism about how you can move through the world with the knowledge you've gained.  

Other people have commented on their experiences of isoaltion here and here. Other posters, such as @butterfly101, @jem80 and @Sahara may also be able to share their experiences.

[jem80]

@Kalliades

I live a very full life and I still sometimes feel isolated and I am much older. I work, go to social events and still sometimes feel isolated because I feel I have to protect myself from others. You don't have to share with work about your condition, it isn't required by law.

I find been open and honest with family has been beneficial for me in my recovery because I have someone close to talk to. Do you have a close family member or friend that could be a listening board for you?

Have you considered seeking any professional help to help you deal with what you have been going through? Say a mental health professional..

[utopia]

@Kalliades. You are bot without hope & I believe your journey is just about to begin.
You have worked out that isolation doesn't work for you. It's counter productive for depression. I've also learnt this the hard way.
Do you see a psychologist? That would be mymain ssuggestion. As they can walk with you through learning how to be less isolated and to slowly start reconnecting with the world again.
Since May this year - I have worked really hard with my psychologist & there has been a huge improvement to my health, my quality of life and I'm finding more happy / content moments, than I am depressing times. So it ismore than ppossible to get better.
Being a 27 year old virgin is not as uncommon as people tend to think.
As you start healing and learning more about yourself and start living the life you are meant to live - you will find that love will also come. Try not to worry about this. Love will come when it's time.
There are some great free aps online for meditations. If you Google relaxation meditations - you will find some easy ones that will help take some of your worries away and leave you feeling more energised or relaxed. I find it helpful to listen to one of these in the morning and start my day feeling a bit more positive.
I'm so pleased you had the courage and strength to post on this forum. Now it's simply a matter of speaking to your gp and getting a referral to a psycholigist.
I really believe that in a few short months you are going to be feeling a whole lot better.
All the best

[Kalliades]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I really appreciate you taking the time. I used to see a psychiatrist regularly and have tried a psychologist but didnt really like her. Ive also done group therapy.

I feel like I know all of the theory and coping methods, (although I never could get a grasp on mindfulness or meditation) and that no doctor can live my life for me. I have to work the rest out for myself.

That being said I have decided to try again with another psycholgist, hopefully he can help me to work on my self worth issues and talking about how I feel.   

[utopia]

@Kalliades. I'm glad you're willing to try another psychologist. Sometimes it takes a few goes to find one you and comfortable with and one who will be there to help guide you. I've seen so many over the years. I'm so grateful I found my current one - he has helped me more than I expected anyone ciuld do. And he Isn't a "you need to do this" type. He is perceptive and asks the right questions for me to look at.
Good luck with your new therapist. I hope it's a great success.