Lived Experience Forum

[Ffm48]

As a result of childhood trauma and life-long physical and emotional abuse I was diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Over the years I have attempted impromptu suicide twice, was carefully planning my third. I purposefully took reckless risks in the hope nature would take its course. For more than 60 years my feeling of self-worth was down the gurgler; I felt my presence was a burden to everyone.

However, I have been very fortunate in that at the crucial time a friend was observant enough to involve me in a converstation and very gently led me to appropriate therapy. By and large the course of therapy was successful. I have become confident and enjoy life and am sure now, that I shall not walk down suicide lane again.

Nevertheless, there are times when flashbacks return, sometimes the old ones, sometimes others ... and there are times when I'm down and falling further, particularly at holiday and anniversary times. At times like that I feel support from a forum such as this would be very helpful.

[Mosaic]

Hi @Ffm48 Welcome to the Forums!

It is great to hear you found a therapy that worked for you, after so many years of struggling. Can I ask what type of therapy was it, do you know? Or was it something about the particular therapist that helped to turn things around?

It is understandable that you still experience setbacks sometimes, I don't think many people necessarily find therapy to be a 'magic wand' or 'miracle cure' to solve all of life's problems. It is probably naive to think that the idea of being completely symptom-free should be our definition of recovery. But when we do connect well with a particular therapy, it can be incredibly transformative. What do others think?

Look forward to hearing more of your story. Take care.

[Ffm48]

Thank you for the welcome. Actually, I can't make up my mind whether my therapist is my friend or my friend is my therapist. He was the first person to believe me and to believe in me, he was the first person who conveyed to me that I was worth anything. He specialises in trauma and he referred me to another psychologist who specialises in CBT.
I was physically abused as a child by both parents. When I was five, I was sexually assaulted. My parents constantly put me down, they demanded blind obedience. Not surprisingly, I landed myself in an abusive relationship. I didn't feel safe anywhere.

My psychologist conducted an exposure therapy with me to alleviate flashbacks to the events when I was five. That was the first big breakthrough. It was so big, simply because I now realised there was a chance of getting help, of a chance of a life I had not dreamt of. He gave me so much support; support to discover things I love and do them; encouragement to make positive experiences to offset bad experiences.

I know I'll never be symptom free, but I do know there is help out there and when I need to reach out.

[pbfromippy]

I agree, I posted a similar post to yours today. I experienced long term child hood trauma up until about 18 years of age. Both my parents were diagnosed with schizophrenia. Took me quite a long time to work out what is and what isn't real. Still working on it I guess. I was finally diagnosed 3 years ago at 51. My current list of labels are in no specific order: bipolar affective disorder; dissociative disorder; panic/anxiety disorder; obsessive compulsive personality disorder and for the last 2 months or so have been experiencing psychosis of a visual and aural nature most days. I keep myself busy and have a network of friends. Keep smiling. 

[Ffm48]

I feel for you. It sure is distressing when experiences in your childhood impact so negatively on your life. When parents have had mental health issues themselves, it may easy not to blame them, or be angry for the abuse meted out by them. It doesn't help though. I can only imagine how very hard it must have been for you. 

My own parents were never been diagnosed with a mental health problem. That simply wasn't done just after WWII. I'm reasonably certain though that after going through concentration and POW camp, respectively both did have severe mental health problems. 

From where I'm standing there seems to be a life before and after diagnosis irrespective of when diagnosis takes place. Once we know where our depression, anxiety ... insert your "label" comes from we can start working towards strategies of learning to cope. A lot seems to depend on how well we're coached, how well our counsellor is in tune with us, how much support, motivation we get. I was very lucky in the counsellor who mentored me. In the meantime I'm no longer asking myself "what if"; it's a question that doesn't take me anywhere. I just enjoy what I do and see where my new activities take me.