Lived Experience Forum

[R1CK13]

Hi, im 23 years old and have suffered depression since i was 15.

I suffered a traumatic relationship with a sociopath when i was 14 where i had unconsentual sex and fell pregnant. After being forced to terminate the pregnancy (though im grateful for it now) and ending the relationship, he began to stalk me for several years and send death threats to me and my family. After a failed attempt at a restraining order that was deemed "childs play" by the judge, this continued for 3 years. I lost many of my friends and my father disowned me because of this. I had to deal with the termination by myself as everyone refused to aknowledge it happened and i was too ashamed to approach anyone else.

I suffered PTSD, depression and self harm for many years after this before finally being referred to a psychologist when i was 21 due to suffering daily panic attacks that got so bad that i couldnt eat and i couldnt leave the house. After 2 years of seeing the psychologist i finally felt like i had conquored my depression and could handle my anxiety to the point where it barely affected my life anymore.

Because my life and current relationship have been so great, we decided to start a family. After 9 months of doctors and other professionals expressing their concern, i now suffer post natal depression. Every day is a personal battle over self control. I somehow manage to resist physically harming my 3-week old but unfortunately have begun self harming again. Its the only way i manage to control my urges. I both love and hate my daughter, but hate myself for not coping.

I used to be a part of another mental health community but became friends with many of the people on there. I came to SANE because i am ashamed for my friends to know that i am now struggling again.

[NikNik]

Hi @R1CK13

Welcome to the community - I'm so glad you reached out.

You have been through so much, in such a short time! What a testament to your strength and perseverance. 

Congratuations on the birth of your child. I think what you have expressed about the self hate for not coping is such a common story for many. It's a bit like a vicious cycle - we feel shame, so we don't reach out, so we don't get support and round & round it goes.

I think your friends would be sad to know you're not coping, and as friends do, would genuinely care and want to help. In saying that though - I'm really glad you came on here and shared what's going on.

@PANDA is a great organisation to start with - if you haven't already.

There are also some great discussions here to read that might help:

A positive recovery story - post natal depression  - shared by @KirstyKay

Postnatal depression or anxiety - by @Bluestar

Screaming out for help - by @BaileyRyan

You mentioned you have a great partner - have you disclosed what's going on with them?

[utopia]

@rick13. I'm glad you felt comfortable posting here on sane.
Unfortunately if you have had depression during your life - you are at a higher risk for PND. Unfair to have to go through it.
Who is looking after you? Do you have a mental health team treating you for PND?
If not, I'd encourage you to seek help from them again.
The shame you feel must be awful. But non of us deserve our MI & neither do you. Many women suffer from PND. You are not alone there.
I know some hospitals run baby and mum programs for those with PND. You may want to look into this as an option.
You have come through depression before and you will come through this episode as well. But you can't do it on your own. So reach out for the help you need and deserve. PND does not make you a bad mother - please remember that.
The safety of You AND your Baby are the most important thing right now.
Please let us know how you are feeling tomorrow

[PANDA]

Hi @R1CK13

You have been through so much, and I can only imagine how it must feel to be back in such a hard and vulnerable place after getting yourself well again, and deciding to start a family with someone you love and trust.  

I understand that it must feel unthinkable to tell your online support network how low, scared and unsafe you are feeling, and that your start as a parent has not been easy at all. At the same time, I wonder if these people that you have trusted and who have been a part of your recovery journey might want to and be able to support you?

It can be really hard to open yourself to further vulnerability… risking sharing something so painful when unsure of the response. But what I hear is that you are managing to keep your baby safe while engaging in a daily struggle to do the same for yourself. You are brave and honest and obviously keen to do whatever is needed to be the mum you want to be and that involves getting the support you need for yourself.

Everyone has a breaking point regardless of their resilience. It’s not OK for you to continue feeling like you are spending every moment of every day trying to control self-harm urges. 1 in 7 mothers will experience postnatal depression, so you are not alone, and sadly it is still an experience often happening behind closed doors. It is important to know that new parents who have previously experienced complex trauma (as you have) have a high chance of experiencing complex and distressing reactions to parenthood. So it is no wonder you are having such a difficult time.

We would love to be able to talk to you about this on the phone, to provide you with the support that you are in need of, and to begin this journey of recovery with you.  You can email your contact details to support@panda.org.au and we can ring you OR you can phone the Helpline on 1300 726 306 (M-F, 10am – 5pm AEST).

Take care of yourself @R1CK13

Love from the PANDA team x

[R1CK13]

My partner is aware that I am struggling and does all he can to help. But he doesn't know the full extent of my mental struggles. He has the next week off work to help me more and try to provide me/us some time for RnR. 

I currently am seeing a psychologist but that in itself is stressful as I can't really afford it. I find it very difficult to talk about my situation. Even after seeing the same psych for the past 2 years, I still feel uncomfortable talking about my dark thoughts and struggles with self harm. 

I have begun drinking on a night time. I give my baby the night feed that is usually followed by 3 hours of sleep and I down 2 or 3 glasses of wine before going to bed. My partner then takes the first feed of the night. 

[utopia]

@rick13. I used to use alcohol to try to numb my pain and fear. It doesn't work. It's a temporary measure that just makes your depression worse. No judgements here - just facts and acknowledgement of feeling the need to zone out.
If you can't speak to your psych - try speaking to PANDA. They have helped many on this site. I've heard they are non judgemental, kind and gentle. Just what you need at the moment. And they really do help mums pull through this difficult time - they are experts in PND - & I believe they will have you back to feeling like your strong self soon.
All the very best