Lived Experience Forum

[artilleryman37]

I have decided to write here because my life is on the verge of ruin and I have trouble talking to anyone let alone medical professionals about this sort of stuff.

I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, especially social anxiety. It takes me years to fully open up to people. Anyone new I meet can walk all over me because my anxiety stops me from being able to express myself and I just do whatever I can to keep others happy no matter the personal cost to myself.

The males on my fathers side are a long list of bipolar sufferers so I'm concerned I may be bipolar too but I'm not sure, I could have something completely different.

I have intermittent sleeping problems, sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I'll get as little as 15 - 20 hours in a week.

I have bad problems with memory. I have been known to forget how to spell my name or what my birthdate is. Sometimes I forget what I'm saying mid sentence or repeat things to people many times not knowing I have already told them. I forget to tell people things even minutes after thinking to tell them. I have even had times I have been driving and forgotten where I am and where I'm going for several minutes.

I suffer from cognitive problems where it's like my brain doesn't work anymore. Its severity varies from day to day. Some days I'm at 100% and I'm like a computer, I am smart enough to have done university level maths in high school and came top of the school for the school certificate (which was a while ago as I'm now 29), and then there are days I take 10 minutes to calculate simple things like, for example, 128 + 37 and i'll still get the wrong answer.

The anxiety, memory and cognitive problems have stopped me from holding any job in the last 8 years for more than 6 months which has ruined my employability in the eyes of employers and can no longer find employment.

I get audible hallucinations. Sometimes not for months, sometimes every day, usually when I'm zoned out and not concentrating on anything. They used to be of an aggressive guy and a placid girl saying they were going to get me. That was years ago. These days I either get babies crying and screaming or I get a massively crowded room with hundreds of people talking to each other.

It's rare but when I'm tired I have been known to have visual hallucinations, for example, one morning on the way to work I had to stop in the middle of the road while a semi trailer truck slowly pulled out of a driveway only to have the truck dissolve out of existence once it had pulled all the way onto the road.

I get delusions, usually of being the best at something I've just started or being better than everyone around me at whatever we are doing. Sometimes they have been bigger like believing people are out to get me or designing my own reality.

I do things I don't want to knowing I'll regret it and that I don't want to do it but it's like I cant help myself.

My sexual appetite comes and goes and has only two modes. I either want sex constantly or don't want it at all. These modes can last days to months.

I also get extreme bouts of rage and irritability where I feel like I might beat someone to death. Even the smallest, most insignificant things can set me off when affected by the rage. I'm not a violent person but as I get older it's getting harder to keep any control during these bouts of rage and I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone someday.

I know no one can diagnose me here but if anyone could let me know what they think I have, whether it's one thing or a combination, and where would be a good place to seek help please let me know.

All these problems are scaring the hell out of me.

[Former-Member]

Sounds horrible, will think before replying more at length, i'm just ordinary fellow sufferer of MI, but what you describe, episodes of psychosis & extreme mood swings could fall under many psychiatric labels (including bipolar being genetic) that only an expert can really sort out. Yes, unfortunately a psychiatrist. But i would try a psychologist first - they at least give you support & strategies to cope & will refer you on if need be for medication as well. Yes you can do both. But today, cut & paste this your post to the saneforums team to bring their attention to it: team@saneforums.org for a quicker reply. Think @acasia, might still be on. Really hope you find some relief from the distress soon. Be gentle on yourself today, keep posting 🍁

[Former-Member]

@Acacia,

[Acacia]

Wow, @artilleryman37, what a challenging life you have been living. The visual hallucination you describe with the truck sounds so scary. You must have a lot of resilience to manage day to day activities with all of that going on. I’m glad you have found somewhere to tell your story here.

As you say, no one can diagnose you here – that is something that can happen with a full assessment from a professional. However, the starting point for diagnosis and treatment is usually the same for any mental illness. Often it is the symptoms that are treatable. For example, you may be able to take antipsychotic medication to reduce some of the hallucinations and delusions, regardless of your diagnosis.

I’m not sure from your post whether or not you have accessed any diagnosis or treatment in the past so sorry if I’m telling you things you already know. The best place to start in seeking support is usually your regular GP. They can do an initial assessment, including a physical assessment to investigate any potential physical causes of your symptoms. They can then refer you onwards to a psychologist or psychiatrist for more specialised treatment. You can also access treatment through a community health centre or in some cases through a community mental health team. Have you had any professional support in the past?

There are lots of other members here on the Forums who have experienced symptoms of psychosis similar to some of the things you describe.  You might like to read @hope77 and @Simona’s posts here, @universepocket’s story here and @Snuchu’s story here. Or perhaps those members can offer some tips about how they first got treatment and how that experience has been for them.

You are also welcome to call the SANE Help Centre on 1800 18 7263 if you would like to talk to someone about how to access support.

[Snuchu]

@artilleryman37, I've experienced at least 5 psychotic episodes now, and with constant low psychotic symptoms such as hearing voices. It's very possible you have bipolar, but that's only comparing to my own experience, so please consult with a psych doc.

I suffer from negative symptoms of schizophrenia as well, especially inattention and the lack of libido. (I'm not sure this is a symptom of schizophrenia, though..) so my congitive problems are apparent too. Only when I'm very focused is when I compute at high levels.

[Acacia]

Hi @Former-Member, just letting you know that as part of keeping the Forums safe and respectful, all the posts which come through are read by a moderator. So even if someone doesn’t reply right away, a moderator has seen the post; and if someone is in crisis or if a guideline is breached, the moderator on shift will always follow up.

But if you are concerned about another member or a post you’ve seen, you are always welcome to email team@saneforums.org. Likewise if you have any other feedback or queries.

[Former-Member]

You're welcome 😊

[utopia]

This sounds like an extremely hard time for you.
Firstly I'd suggest you go to your GP & let them know how you are feeling. If you find it hard to talk, show them your post.
Secondly, I know my memory and concentration doesn't work when I'm not getting proper restful sleep.
I hope you speak to your GP or alternatively call Beyond Blue. You do not have to continue living like this. Hopefully, your post is the beginning of you seeking help & therefore feeling a lot better.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @artilleryman37

We all respond to others in different ways.Its one of the benefits of the forum. There is no one right way to be human.

I have done the 'anything to please' role a lot and am learning to lose it.

I bonded with my ex husband over math science interests.  It was good and important for me and right at the time. I dont regret it, but we are not computers, and therein lies the issue.

Having high expectations of yourself would also make you more aware of your cognitive performance.  Be kind to yourself and keep expressing yourself and reaching out.  Getting effective help is a creative endeavour in of itself.  Keep open to looking and learning about life and try less focus on decline.

regards Apple