Lived Experience Forum

[Teekymitcell]

Hi all.
I have recently been diagnosed with BPD and reading the symptoms Rtc is like reading an autobiography on myself. I am classic BPD where I gamble all my money, am addicted to drugs, alcohol and tobacco. I feel a sense of rejection over small things and I find it almost impossible to not think about those small things over and over.
However, it mentions this disorder often stems from childhood trauma etc?
Now I wasnt abused, physically or sexually.
My mum did have issues with alcohol and my dad and her would fight a lot about it, but she was a very loving mother who smothered us kids with affection. My dad was the typical bread winner, out of the house a lot.
My mum did get cancer when I was 13 that she ended up battling against for 8 years before she passed. This may seem silly but would that be classed as childhood trauma?
I'm just wondering if I am missing something or supressing something and it freaks me out.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Teekymitcell

There are websites that define childhood trauma.

From my understanding: being present to parental conflict and dealing with serious chronic illness of your mother and losing her ... would be traumatic at some level.

Dont freak out about it .. maybe journal about your feelings ... or triggers to gamble or use substances ... sometimes drugs, alcohol, and tobacco can be normalised ... depending on the peer groups we find ourselves in.

I think its not so much putting a label on oneself .. or blaming childhood .. but if it useful to help you manage current symptoms .. that is good.

[MoonGal]

Hi @Teekymitcell, I was diagnosed in my 20's with BPD, due in large part to my abuse of alcohol, drugs and wild ways. I settled down at 30ish still struggling with MI but not as wild. And 20 years later was diagnosed with Bi Polar II, PTSD, OCD etc etc. I reckon whatever has happened for us as kids, we all (even those people who live through trauma and seem to come out the other end of it perfectly well adjusted, or people who don;t live through any overt 'trauma' and come out of it mad as a packet of frogs) - all of us have different physiology, neuro-patterns etc.

Lighten up on looking 'for' the trauma, the helping professions would have us fit neatly into their boxes so they can tick them. In the end - what you live with TODAY - is the focus, how to improve quality of life, what works to keep you calm and on track for a nice life. Sometimes squirrelling around in trauma (real or inflated or labouriously manufactured from fragments of this and that which might be 'traumatic') doesn;t help one iota anyway.

What matter is the present, if we have conditions which throw us back into the past and has us anxious about the future the very best thing we can repeatedly do for ourselves is come into 'now". As well as whatever other treatments, medications and assistance we can gain along the way. Hope that helps - main thing is if you view your childhood as relatively okay - maybe it was for you, every human on the planet has hard stuff they had to deal with, trick is what we do with that later. 

[Acacia]

Hi @Teekymitcell

Welcome to the Forums and thanks for sharing a bit of your story.

I think that understanding the causes, symptoms and treatments can be helpful in that “knowledge is power” and it can be good to equip yourself with that knowledge in order to help with finding good treatment and strategies. I also agree with Rockpool and MoonGal that looking at what’s happening now and taking note of the things that are helpful or challenging can be so valuable in learning to manage or live better with the symptoms you describe.

Trauma can take so many forms and what is traumatic for one person might not be traumatic for someone else. I think that what you’ve described could certainly be a traumatic experience and it doesn’t sound like you need to keep searching for something else to explain the diagnosis.

Anyway, just putting in my two cents worth!

There are a few other people on the Forums who have recently been diagnosed with BPD. I wonder if @tinnx, @EnergiserBunny7 or @TwoWays could relate to your situation or offer any tips or insights?

There are other members such as @Billamba, @jist0508, @BPD-life and @Crazy_Bug_Lady who have shared some great strategies of their own on managing BPD. Perhaps they might have some thoughts to share about your situation?

You might also like to check out these conversation about BPD and moods and dealing with BPD, and this conversation where members have shared their thoughts on reading more about BPD.

Welcome once again @Teekymitcell. I look forward to hearing more about your journey

[shanc]

@Teekymitcell
The childhood trauma to me is mystery too and the physical outburst that I don't do. I guess we are all different. It sounds like your childhood would have been tough to see and hear your parents fighting and that to me sounds hard. Though I am not a professional. Cancer would also be very tough.

I can't really remember my childhood and can't piece anything together time wise so that may mean I'm blocking something out.

Getting the diagnosis and hopefully you have a good therapist can help these thoughts. I now see mine twice a week in an attempt to not go to hospital.

I don't think that was helpful but hopefully a different persons perspective may help

[GothMum]

@Teekymitcell, like the others say, everyone's mindscape is different, as is susceptibility, genetics and the unique ways each of us process the events of our lives.  Just because many people who exhibit particular symptoms also have other similarities doesn't mean those correlations are always present... There are many people who experience trauma but thanks to an accident of "good" genetics, great support, appropriate debriefing, etc., do not go on to develop mental illnesses- but some do develop other things/ chronic illnesses/ inabilities to commit/ Peter Pan complexes/ rigid thinking/ unhealthy behaviours/ kleptomania/ risk taking/ discrimination...

[Kiera80]

Hi @Teekymitcell

Growing up with your parents fighting and losing your Mum are what I would consider trauma.

I have a sibling with BPD and there was trauma in our childhood as well, particularly for my sibling who was the one always breaking the rules and suffering the consequences.

I don't think you are missing or supressing anything because you know what has happened.  Maybe you need to find closure with these events which you can do in a safe environment with a good counsellor.  The question you need to ask yourself though is if you really want to go through that.  It will be upsetting when you face things that you thought you had dealth with.  You may have memories that you buried so that you don't have to feel the pain associated with them. 

I think sometimes counselling for past grievances can be a good thing but sometimes it can make you feel worse.  It's a big decision whether you want to delve into that or just let sleeping dogs lie so to speak.

Regarding the BPD itself, are you on medication and have someone you can talk to for support? 

[goblue]

Brand new. . . taking the temperature and intellect of the others. Not in pejorative sense. Just like to watch for a a while.