Lived Experience Forum

[Decadian]

Immediately after Easter in 1986 my badly-wired and deeply troubled son went into Juvenile Detention (a prison) and took his own life in July - he was in detention for about 3 months

His whole life was a struggle and I did everything I could - it was really hard and I did most of it alone - and it has left me with PTSD and at this time of year I find myself grieving for weeks and some days it can be really hard.

I don't have regrets about this - or feel guilty - but no one knows the truth about all of this because it was "too upsetting" and so I cannot talk about this with anyone but professional people.

I can get pretty unhappy as winter sets in - and somehow the 30th anniversary seems more painful -

Time does pass - and my grief does ease - but it never goes away

Decadian

[Former-Member]

Hi Decadian,

Welcome to the Forums. 

I would like to praise and encourage your move to reach out to others, and share your story.

You will hopefully discover, that you are not alone and be exposed to rich wealth of support and fellowship that other forum contributers have to offer. 

We hope to hear more from you

[Decadian]

Hi JumpingJoJo

Thanks very much for your warm welcome - I find it very enouraging

I know there are many people battling with the loss of a child - or children - and this is not well understood by family members even - so people can find the experience isolating

Besides a struggle going back 46 years - my son was 16 when he died - I have lived a very rich life - with a wide variety of experiences. I would be only to happy to share some of what I have learned and I know there are other people with their own stories - stories - in spite of their sorrowful content - I really want to here

Decadian

[suzanne]

Hi @Decadian, thanks so much for much for sharing your story.  Even though there is so much sorrow and grief in your past, there is encouragement to be found too.  To have lived a 'rich' life full of experiences and to be willing to share with others is amazingly resilient.  

I've come to think of grief as like waves in the ocean.  You can be bobbing along in the water, enjoying the sun on your face, and then get dumped by an enormous wave of grief that you didn't see coming.  Or, with anniversaries, you can see the wall of water building out of sea knowing that there is no way to avoid it when it heads for the shore.  It's so tough to negotiate but, in some form, the unavoidable cost of living.

I'm really glad you joined our community and I hope there is a patch of calm water and sunshine ahead for you.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Decadian

I have also found that talking about suicide is too hard for most grown ups.  My sister died in 1986 too. Then my brother a few years later.  

I did my best to support them and understand how it can be traumatic for the carer, as well as those struggling with MI. 

My poise is very delicate and it does not take much for me to be knocked of my perch.  The grief is there most of the time but I am getting back in the world. So yes time does heal .. but it takes a lot of time, so I too am best off talking with professionals. 

Hope things pick up after Easter.

[Decadian]

Hi @suzanne -

Thanks so much for your understanding reply - I really understand the image of being dumped by a wave

This happened to me once - I was never a good surfer and a took a wave and it dumped me - I could see it humping behind me - and I never saw my surfboard agin. So that is really content-full for me - esp rolling around in the muddle of surf: water, air and sand - horrible memory

And yes - grief is like that - it dumps on us.

I am really glad to have found this community - and I certainly do feel a lot better than I did last night.

Decadian

[Decadian]

Hi @Appleblossom

It must have been terribly hard for you to lose your brother and your sister. I can't imagine that.

It is traumatic for the carer - you must have invested so much in helping them out - and then they died - and I sometimes wonder where everything we put into our loving and seeking help and whatever we do - where does that go?

For me I think it made me a better person

I have a very delicate poise also - I have been described as emotionally fragile - and still a lot of people tell me I am very strong and resilient, It doesn't feel that way

When you talk about older people not wanting to talk about suicide - this was true of my parents - it was like it was some kind of horrible accident - and they had always said that people who talk about suicide never do it - which now is accepted by people with any experience as not true

I am really glad I found this site - I expect I will be bobbing around in the surf for a few weeks but having people I can communicate with who understand will be very helpful

Thanks Appleblossom

Decadian

[Former-Member]

Hi Decadian,
I'm glad you have posted here. Your story is both sad and also inspiring. While you may not feel strong, there is a feeling of steadfastness in your writing. You have weathered a storm that never completely leaves but you have great insight and wisdom about it.
Hope that you do stick around the forums and that you fine support and friendship here,
Lj

[Former-Member]

Hi @Decadian, so sorry to hear you lost your son & reliving the trauma triggered by easter & cooler weather. O fond the lead up to these awful anniversaries hardest. You have probably learned after all this time to *put healthy coping strategies in place & above all *be gentle with yourself. This is your journey nobody else knows what you need more than you. Its been 5yrs for me now, since my 13yo suddenly died in front of me waiting for an ambulance (asthma). Only today i had a pts response when an ambulance flew past sirens bearing. I have nobody to talk to, really, miss her terribly, especially anniversaries. This easter coincided with my birthday, and without the physical presence of any human I often wonder if she may have been around. She died late Australia Day Jan25, Christmas without her is so hard Dec25 & Her Birthday is Nov25. The leadip to her birthday still throws me into a spin for 3 months trying to piece it together, get my head around it or how to really go on living. No sooner find ya feet & it bowls you over. People don't realize how exhausting it is.Its encouraging to hear you survived 30yrs - maybe i can too. Lets help each other.

[Decadian]

Hi @Former-Member

Thanks so much for your encouraging response - it is a good thing to know that my insight shows through - as does my steadfastness. I had never applied that adjective to my life before - but after so many years it does seem to fit

I have to learn to be patient with myself - I find this hard sometimes - and I can't see myself as others do

It is my plan to stick around - it seems already that people here understand - and I look forward to learning more about the other people here and responding

Decadian