Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[janis]

hi carer community, i am new to this forum. i have two adult children whom i care for, a 30 year old son who suffers from schizophrenia, and a 28 year old daughter who lives with bipolar disorder. my daughter was diagnosed at 16 years of age and my son at 19 years. over the years i continue to struggle with a sense of loss and grief. a sense of loss for the turn their lives have taken and limitations that i can see the illness has imposed. grief because i see their suffering year after year as they each try to work through the hurdles life has thrown. sometimes i think i have reached a level of acceptance and then somewhere (seemingly out of nowhere) i feel overcome with these heavy sad feelings tinged with a large dose of fear.  so it is as if we are all on some type of roller coaster and its scary. 

[pip]

Hi Janis. Caring for anyone with mental health issues is really difficult. Managing their AD's, making sure they take them. I suppose too, there's a bit of a struggle getting them to take the AD's. Can I ask, who's there for you? Do you have time out for you? Is there a respite centre they could attend which would allow you some time to enjoy yourself. I used to care for a hubby who had mental health problems (he's now deceased), I actually managed to enroll him in a centre where he was able to mix with others similar to himself. How long has your son lived with schizophrenia? I would like to suggest you get them into a care facility where they would be looked after. Even if it's only for a short time, just to give you a break. I don't mean abandoning them, but you need time out for you.

[Sky]

Hi @janis,

Welcome to the forum and I'm one of the moderators here.

Like @pip suggested, it is very important that you look after yourself otherwise it is harder for you to look after your family. Another hard thing for family members are setting boundaries. You love your family and at the same time you only have so much energy in any one day, yet you would like to do more than you could ever offer.

Please feel free to explore the carer's forum here and you'll find lots of simliar stories. People share their journeys where their daily situations have lots of ups and downs so many are very supportive and understanding. Hope you'll be able to get some support by using this forum.

Take care,

[Appleblossom]

Hello @janis

There is a huge amount of grief in your situation. There is the watching them suffer and not knowing how to help .. or if the help is effective ...

I feel like that with my son, but still just keep trying.

Do both of them live with you?

Are you caring for them on your own?

Sorry if I ask too many questions .. but each situation and person is unique.

Keep faith in your caring ..

Apple

[janis]

Yes appleblossom, it is very hard to watch them suffer. my son moved out of home 5 years ago and my daughter has moved in and out of home over the years. my daughter moved in with my son about a year ago, and this has had a mixed result. they both struggle with adls and i try and help with encouraging structure and routine. i try hard to maintain healthy boundaries although acknowledge these are constantly redrawn. i spend more time supporting my daughter as she has physical health issues also and we seem to have an endless round of specialist appointments. my daughter has difficulties with memory and organisation so i often end up in PA role. i have noticed a downhill slide with my son over recent months as he has increased his alcohol use. he is currently in hospital. my husband is very supportive, however they are not his children. the nuances of step families is a whole other topic! in terms of self care i do try and spend time out with my friends and practise mindfulness. how old is your son?

[Appleblossom]

 So sorry I did not reply til now ...  @janis just going through my digest from the site .. I also had been away and offline for a few days.

In some ways it is good that your son lives independently ... is he very far from you ...

I was the oldest and my brother came and lived with me for a couple of months ... then moved to his own place fairly close .. a couple of times he delivered home baked bread and left it on my door stop for when I got home from work .. I saw it as his thank you ...

it is probable good that your daughter felt the urge to be close to her brother .. but it will only probably work short term .. especially if he doesnt have a partner ...

Is there any way you can engage with him about drinking ... can you "have a wine at table" ... and so allow it but also show your own sense of limits about it??

My mother went into total anti-drinking mode .. and that did not seem to work very well with my brother.

I also know a bit about blended families ... nuance .. is the right word.

hope you and your family is reasonably well.

apple

[Former-Member]

Hello @Appleblossom@Maggie@soul@Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope@CheerBear

@utopia@Phoenix_Rising and all

I have suffered many things and overcome, but grief has to be what seems the never ending agony at times when it hits. There is a song I am listening to as I am feeling that grief today that helps me through. For of all those who have lost a loved one, whether that be a child, partner, best friend, sibling, parent, grandparent, pet that has left a deep ache in your heart - this song is for you too 💜🌹

https://youtu.be/sSbqm7ZK_9s

[Appleblossom]

I love it @Former-Member I have it in my rock and roll book of sheet music to play.

Was triggered deeply into old grief yesterday.

A lawyer asked me if I would put my house up as surety for my son.

Something in me cracked and I laughed hilariously but very brittle. I repeated "You are asking ME that".

I said I have put my house before .. for my Chinese SIL which really helped her family, big sister and mother (po po) etc

and all I got was a dead brother with lots of blood sprayed over everyone.  NOt funny. 

Thanks for trying to cheer us up  tho.

Then I calmed down said that I would for my son, but am backing off as I have not even been able to talk to my son alone.  Story of my life, lack of timely unfettered access to my biological children.

I was so TRIGGERED LAST night becasue of it I phoned the Sane helpline.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom

I would love to hear you play Tears in Heaven if I could - one of my all time favourite songs. It is a real mixture of sadness, comfort, strength and potential joy. Eric Clapton is a musical genius.

What a situation you are in with what your son's lawyer asked of you! That would of triggered me as well given your circumstances, and for other emotional reasons. I am glad you rang the Sane helpline.

I am concerned for you my friend. I think it very wise to back off for now until you have spoken to your son and had time to "really think this through" unpressured, weighing up the pros and cons of entering into such a legal position. And perhaps to seek your own legal advice here as well. 

I don't like to interfere, but that is a big ask that could land you in a very disadvantaged situation if it went wrong I would imagine. Although you have done it before and may know more than me here about this type of arrangement. I don't want to see you hurt or distressed in anyway my friend. I care and am here for you anytime. Please let us know how it goes. Sending a big warm hug 🌹xx

[Appleblossom]

Thank you very much @Former-Member

I am a very unsatisfied customer legal wise, but have paid all legal aid and private bills and debts years ago. 

I challenged him regarding my son's awareness of full rate of costs incurred.  I dont want him to get a job by default as nobody explained things properly to son. or for me to feel pressured timewise.