Skip to main content
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Looking after ourselves

lostconcerned
Casual Contributor

Needing Help...Connections...

I'm male 34 from the Golden Planes Shire area in Victoria. My own life hasn't been great. I've always described it as being lost in translation, but unfortunately it is worse than it's ever been.

I have to be honest and say that I don't have any support really. I've never felt more alone. My siblings are very self-orientated.

Dad passed away 12 months ago very suddenly and it's really taken it's toll on my mum. She's become very distant, forgetful and it's just become a full-time job taking care of her. She's defiant about admitting she has a problem and hasn't really sought out the medical assistance she needs despite my concerns. I have finally organised an appointment which she has agreed to honor next Monday.

This week has been particulary hard as it's the 12 month anniversary of Dad's passing. Yesterday Mum kept asking where Dad was... 😞

I've never been a good sleeper, but I'm hardly sleeping at all now. Just so much pressure and stress being caring for mum...it's something which makes me feel pretty worthless given my own position in life.

On occasion mum can unintentionally be abusive and blames me for her state of mind, I know it's not her fault, but all I'm trying to do is support and keep her safe (which is something my siblings couldn't care less about). I just don't know for how much longer I can keep going with this, but I'm trying...so hard...

Mum's always been one of the most caring and selfless people that I've known, so I don't want to let her down either...Mum and Dad were married for 51yrs...so I could only imagine how that would emotionally and psychologically effect a person?

I don't want to die, but at the same time I'm so tired and unhappy in life now...

I could seriously use some friends and love...and of cause ANY help or advice for my mum. We need a larger social circle...

11 REPLIES 11

Re: Needing Help...Connections...

Hi @lostconcerned

You have found a social circle here.  I just wanted to let you know you are being heard.  Members of the forum community will read your post, and some will start to respond with advice based on their experience and understanding.

It's clear that you are going through a very hard time, and that is something we can all relate to here.  You are definitely not alone.  

It sounds like you are doing a great job, but one of the most important aspects of being a carer is making sure you are cared for too.  The first step is reaching out, particularly if you are in isolated or isolating circumstances, which you have just done.  Stay with us, and keep talking.  It's important.  

Take care.

Re: Needing Help...Connections...

Yes, welcome to the forums @lostconcerned Smiley Happy

Thanks too @Faith-and-Hope for the guidance.

I'm wondering if anyone has suggested Carers Victoria to you? 

This would be a very good initial call, and further direction and supports could be offered from there!

'Carers provide care and support to family members and friends who have a disability, mental illness, chronic condition, terminal illness or who are frail aged.

We work closely with government and other support organisations to improve the lives of caring families throughout Victoria.'

Check them out here;

http://www.carersvictoria.org.au/about-us

Freecall 1800 242 636

Re: Needing Help...Connections...

Thank you so much for your replies. I can't stress how much this means to me. I'm hoping and looking to change things, so that both Mum and myself are having a quality life. I don't want to let mum down and I WILL be there for her no matter what.

Truth be told, I'm terrified of being left alone in this world too. I wear my heart on my sleeve and this has led to lots of pain 😕

We purchased a house together and moved from the family farm a little while after Dad passed on. I noticed that Mum was, for a better word, deteriorating beyond just grief (and this alone has been so hard for us) and I thought it would be for the best. 

We purchased a house my mother loved..this move was meant to be the start of a more positive, happy, better life for us, but it's not worked out as plannned.

The new house is still too isolated and far from services. The house / property is just too big. I'm not the home handyman type of guy and the place needs lots of work (much of this was clevered covered up when we inspected the property).

Mum gets confused with rooms etc and simple tasks have become near impossible for her (cooking, washing, operating the microwave etc). I'm inundated keeping up with everything (I've never had this amount of responsibility...my Dad was always very sheltering to his children...this was a good and bad thing) and it's just overwhelmingly intense at times. 

I feel so sorry for Mum, because she sometimes walks around the house aimlessly. It's also gut wrenchingly hard to see someone you love change like this...

Realistically I think it's wise to look at moving a little closer to facilities, walking distance to a decent number of shops, doctors etc and also to maybe live in 2 ajoining units. But it's all so daunting...this recent move was already a very difficult one...but we can't stay here long term and I want to make mum's life easier and better to manage for both us.

Anyway, I really do look forward to chatting and hopefully making friends...connections...

Thanks again...

 

 

Re: Needing Help...Connections...

Hi @lostconcerned

It must feel quite overwhelming for you, but you have taken the first steps towards change.  

Even small changes can make a big difference.  Perhaps your mum would benefit from a strongly structured approach to the day, like a step-by-step to-do list.  That could be typed and printed out, and pinned up of the fridge or somewhere handy.  Perhaps she is feeling forgetful within herself, or needs to be able to focus her attention on something.  Having a daily program she can reference for herself may provide her with a little bit of independence in that way.

Does background music help ?

When my kids were small, I created a "house within the house" by closing off excess space - shutting doors to rooms we weren't using on a day to day basis, and keeping our living to the most basic rooms ie. if you have a dining room and a meals area, just using the meals area - same with formal and casual lounge areas.

Cook extra when preparing meals, and freeze half for another day.

Are there aged care day centres anywhere near you where your mum can spend time with others her age and make some new friends ?  Some of her aimlessness might be wondering what to do with herself now, and this might give her something new to focus her attention on.

These are just a few thoughts.  See how you go.  

"It's also gut wrenchingly hard to see someone you love change like this ..."  - Oh boy !  I can relate to this statement !!

Take care.

 

Re: Needing Help...Connections...

In theory a list sounds good, but my mum see's this as oppressive. The idea of getting locks put on the doors to unused rooms is not a bad idea and one I might look into in future. The right music cheers her up enough, but doesn't really influence things any further.

The hardest part is getting sleep...right now it's 2:09am and mum's angrily and defiantly determined to stay up...this makes it hard for me to obtain sleep during normal night time hours (and I'm not the best sleeper to begin with). Admittedly this is making me feel quite run down. It is also quite hard to find any time to myself...

Moving seems like not the best idea at the moment, as I'm not sure long-term if it would be beneficial...Mum is only just becomming vaguely familar with the layout of this place and I fear that another move would just make my life harder than it is now...so thinking of staying put and making the most of it...also, I just don't think I have the energy or stamina to build / move again myself...just feel exhausted.

Re: Needing Help...Connections...

Hi @lostconcerned

@Its likely to be a combination of a few different things coming together that will take some pressure off your situation.  Perhaps there are respite carers available to come to you occasionally, and take your mum out somewhere, shopping perhaps, or spend time reading to her at home .... in any case, it will be important for you to find a little space for yourself sometimes.

Just connecting with others on the forums here can have that effect.  There are others around to chat to across the day, and we understand what you're going through.

You might find someone up late on Hot Chocolate Anyone ? but that's a relatively new thread, and I haven't worked out whether many on the Carers Forum are night owls yet.  There are plenty on the Lived Experience Forum under the Night Shift thread 🙂

Take care.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Needing Help...Connections...

@lostconcerned,

Hello, glad you're here, you'll pick up lots of tips & support.

I have a lot to say that might help, but first let me introduce myself so you know where I'm coming from. I'm an older lady, caring for mum & dad from a distance (dad has early dementia & mum has slow growing terminal cancer). My carer role is mostly by phone as I'm having trouble selling up. Also support two unwell brothers (near mum & dad). I ring regularly, link them in with services, attend phone conferences with doctors, and go visit for a week when i can, to clean, cook, transport & give my brothers a break (my parents are also reluctant to let services/strangers into the home). I have 30yrs RN nursing behind me, a lot of clinic, outback, community & aged care Work experience. More recently studied community services & work in this field on & off. I do struggle with depression & complicated grief & with schizophrenia in the family too i understand MI. I raised 2 children, lost one teenager not that long ago, survived an ugly divorce. I live alone trying daily to find purpose. The forums have helped me and give me the chance to maybe give a back, i hope.

I'll just reply to your first two posts for now. Bit tired.

Your situation is so hard, but not impossible & common to man 😨. I say this with the best intentions to give you hope in knowing you're not alone & our society has things in place for you.

Its really good that you recognise the need to link in with supports "widen your social circle" Things that come to my mind for you both are: senior citizens club & activity days, church functions, interest groups (gardening, community garden, knitting, music, choir, sports, yoga, bowls, games...), local Rotary or Lions Clubs, TAFE studies.... You get the idea. Really study your local paper & online, especially in Febuary, to pick up on groups kicking off in your local areas. Your Regional Council websites usually have a Community Groups listing too.

Home Care, Community Nurses, Community Support Workers, & Meals on Wheels are common services for the elderly to connect with. Have you talked to your doctor about having an Aged Care Assessment team review your mum? To access funding for services?

Change is very difficult for old people. It must have been so hard for your mum to leave her home and move while also coming to terms with losing her life partner. She's probably still in shock. The experts say to give it a couple of years after grief for such major change & big decisions but sometimes that isn't practical. Grief & Relocating are very high on the stress scale & a trigger for decline in the elderly. A lot of people move into town to be closer to services. I don't envy your current predicament. Maybe spend the next year in this new place where you are but start building connections in town for down the track.

Get to know the local GP - Antidepressants for a while might help take the edge off looming depression & the pain of grief, Daily sunshine, walking & lots of nutritious vegie soups & stew 😉

Do you have a dog to take on walks? And for companionship for your mum? I found Mornings & late afternoons the best time to water the front garden as people tend to walk by with their dogs or exercise and almost always exchange greetings, maybe even stop for a chat.

Have you introduced yourself to your neighbours?

I hear you saying there's an underlying fear of being alone in the world. Listen to that, don't neglect the warnings of the soul. Talk to someone. As far as is possible, try stay at peace & connected with your siblings a little, as things can change there.

I can relate to feeling you wear your Heart on your sleeve & are easily hurt. Try to keep a bit for yourself in your giving, then it doesn't feel you've lost everything when people let you down, and they always do one way or another. This is something I've had to learn the hard way. There's some great psychological help in building up internal resources in this regard. Maybe talk with a psychologist. I'm reading a book atm that might help you personally "Reality Slap" by Russ Harris. His other good book is "The Happiness Trap"

Anyway, hope this helps a little. Give your mum a big hug from me, and be kind with yourself, you're doing a great job 👍

Re: Needing Help...Connections...

💐

Wow @Former-Member

I love what you have written here ...

You are a gold mine of experience and compassion !

While you are writing in support of @lostconcerned, this response will be very helpful to a wide range of people on these forums who share aspects of these same issues.

You have covered almost everything here - the isolation, grief, aged care, self care, dependence, independence, support services, etc

Thank you for sharing more of your personal story too.  The adage "walk a mile in my shoes" promotes so much empathy and moral support.

I hope there is much here that you can draw on @lostconcerned, and I hope it helps you to see how interconnected we all are.  You are not on your own in this situation.  You have online support and friendships waiting here for you ...

Have a gentle day @Former-Member.  See you around the forums 😊

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Needing Help...Connections...

Aww shucks @Faith-and-Hope, very encouraging, think i have a swollen head lol No really, appreciate it. You have a good day too 💜
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

Further information:

  • Loading...

For urgent assistance