Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sophie1]

My partner has been diagnosed with generalised anxiety and depression for over 15yrs and now the psychiatrist thinks she might have bipolar - still not sure as they are experimenting with new drug combos recently.
Anyway my partner told me a couple of days ago and was so upset about the label bipolar that she said if I ever told anyone else it would be a 'deal breaker' for our relationship of 20 years.
I am in shock, exhausted, confused, teary, angry all on the inside as I try to stay strong on the outside for her as she needs to keep functioning through this news ...
I'm seeing my psychologist next week to get more advice and debrief but I'm feeling weird about all this and don't know how to feel or what to do ..
Any advice ?

[NikNik]

Hi @Sophie1

We all have different reactions when we recieve a diagnosis. Some are relieved that there is a name for what they have experienced, while others are upset about having a 'label'

Additionally, people change between the two extremes. It is a process getting comfortable with a diagnosis.

There's a great discussion in the Lived Experience Forum about how different people perceieve their diagnosis. You can check it out here. It's a great example of the variety of thoughts and experiences around having a diagnosis.

I can completely understand your confusion and anger about your partner's reaction. Her reaction towards you isn't a reflection on her feelings towards you, to me it shows her immense fear around what's going on.

It's AWESOME that you're seeing a psychologist. Self care is critical and I'm sure it will also help get some perspective on the situation.

It sounds like you're a fantastic, supportive partner - she's lucky to have someone in her life for support.

[Lucky2015]

Hi @Sophie1

Been through a similar experience to you in the past.

Wife of 20 years was diagnosed with Bi-Polar II, after years of depression/post natal depression diagnosises.

My wife was:
Upset. Wooooaaahhh depression is one thing (after all alot of non clinically depressed people say "I am depressed") but Bi-Polar is a mental illness (that how it was perceived by her that is).
Embarressed: Why doesn't my brain work properly and everyone else is fine? Don't tell anyone.
Relieved: This explains alot.

And all of that mixed up together.

Its expected that there will be shock, anger etc until final acceptance kicks in. So I would say just take it day by day at the moment.

But there is good news in alot of this (though you might not see it at the moment).

1) They are seeing a pscychologist - so denial of having a problem isn't there. And I think that is half the battle.
2) Better approach to medication. My wife was on anti-depressants and being further boosted during her hypo experiences. She now has a mood stabiliser that can take the edge off that if it appears.
3) For us anyway, it got us beyond the your depressed now, but once you are on the other side of it, it will be OK for good (which wasn't what reality was telling us). So you can shift from a "lets fix this once and for all" mindset, to a how can we structure things to better manage this because its just going to be there. It changes your approach to things (changed jobs, dropped some unrealistic life expectations). Shifted our approach from "getting ahead", to being in a stable state and enjoying what we have got.


Some things that I think helped during those first times where:
1) Educating yourselves. There are some good publications that can give you an insight into what is going on for your partner and also for your partner to understand the experiece of others.
2) There are a number of famous people that are bi-polar. I used to let her know of any I discovered that she was familar with. Important to show that its a condition to be treated/maintained, its not a death sentence.
3) We have numerous conversations that it is YOU, its a condition. Just like diabetes (which some in my family have). It doesn't define you, its just something you have to monitor and realise things might flair up every now and then.
4) My wife got talking to someone at the gym (she was a personal trainer). They told her they suffered from BPD, she asked then everything. It was good because this lady had been diagnosed 5 years before and describe the path that my wife would walk to accepting it, but also the changes she had made to her life that made it liveable. It was good for her to see a role model of someone just taking it in their stride now.

As a carer (alot I need really identify with that word, I am just helping my wife) some things that made a difference: Eventually writing out a treatment agreement (got that one from Bi-Polar for Dummies!). Covers:
- I am able to manage my bipolar disorder when I'm doing the following ...
- You should be concerned when you notice any of the following symptoms of depression ...
- You should be concerned when you notice any of the following symptoms of Hypo mania ...
- When you observe 3 or more of the following symptoms last for more than 5 days then you can help me by doing the following ...

It just helped me know when to step in and not. It taught us to talk about "it" objectively. And gave me insight into some of the things that I hadn't noticed that were happening.

Now I did say eventually above, because at the beginning it was fairly raw, but within 3 months the shock will have worn off.

I hope this helps.
There is a normal everyday life on the otherside of all this. Once the shock is gone, you will reach a new understanding of your partner. And life will be good.

Regards
Lucky2015

PS: My wife isn't embarressed any more. She tells selected people now. All of her friends now know. All of our family knows.

[CherryBomb]

What an amazing post @Lucky2015 - thanks for sharing some really helpful advice, which goes to show the expertise that comes along with experience... 

@Sophie1, I just wanted to point out some other conversations in the Lived Experiences Forums that might be of interest. @Former-Member started the thread called Telling Others, and @Flower started the conversation called How did you tell your loved ones? I'm pointing out these conversations because each of them talk about the difficulties people have had with letting people know about their illness. There's a lot of stigma, both within the community, and within a sense of self that many people grapple with. 

I can see how making a disclosure a 'deal breaker' can seem a bit harsh, but as @NikNik said, your partner not wanting others to know, is not a reflection on your, but perhaps more of a reflection of stuff that's going on for them. 

CherryBomb

[Sophie1]

Thank you so much to you all - each reply has given me a different slant on the situation and I feel that your responses come from a place of true understanding and wisdom - I will look at the links and suggestions you have made and get more educated and prepared to manage this better ..

I did approach my partner today and let her know I didn't like the deal breaker ultimatum approach to secrecy and that it frightened me and freaked me out ... We then had a conversation about the countless times I haven't kept secrets - I really am a sharer and struggle to keep secrets - I reassured her I only told my psychologist and that I have an anonymous support forum to seek help from - she was ok with that ... She said she wouldn't do the deal breaker ultimatum again but also said she was quite serious about it and needed to know I understood how important this secret was ...

Any tips on keeping secrets ???

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Sophie1

Keeping secrets... that's a tough one. Maybe ask your partner are the boundaries of how much you can disclose. For instance, is it ok to say to other that she's unwell, without going into details? Or is it a matter of say nothing? I think if you go down the 'she's unwell' path, there might be potential for others to ask questions, which might make it more difficult to contain.

I've kept (and still) keep secrets for friends who have told me something in confidence. To keep my lips sealed, I  remind myself of the impact (e.g., shame, embarrassment, judgements) that it would have on my friend if I let other's know. Usually, when a friend has told me something it's because they can trust that I could hold stuff about them, which would have a huge emotional impact on them if I shared it with others. It'd also break their trust too. Not sure if it helps, but it's what I find useful. 

[Sophie1]

Thank you @CherryBomb - i will make sure to have the conversation re what is ok to say and what is not ... you are so right that often half saying something is just the same as saying the whole lot ... i think best just to not go there at all ... after all that's why i joined this forum and have my own psychologist so i can confide and discuss without impacting my partner's social / work / family circles.  

[Sophie1]

Hi @Lucky2015 

Your story was so appropriate - i have re-read your post to really try and absorb what i can - which is not much right now... i'm a bit overwhelmed and not taking info in well 

But i am relieved to see that you too have found that a being happy with what you have is ok... i have given up on climbing the corporate ladder and being a millionaire - i just want to be happy , healthy and have my relationship in good shape... it would be amazing just to have a routine and be fit/healthy and interacting pleasantly and coping with work/housework/cooking/exercising.

I think my family think i have settled or am missing out... but i made a choice to be with my partner because i love her soooo much (i still love coming home every day to her) and even though i know i cannot 'fix' her i have so much joy in sharing our lives together.  Every relationship has its difficult parts.  Every person has their difficult parts.  

You have reinforced my determination to be more educated about my partner's condition - the anxiety, depression and bipolar aspects... i somehow have got into a situation where i thought i didn't need to do this and that her psychiatrist was responsible for the condition ... i think maybe i have been lazy on this count for some reason... it's time to really embrace the information available and see if it can help me be a better partner and have a happier relationship and help me to support her more appropriately

Also the contract aspect sounds interesting ... i noticed we have been doing this implicitly but would be interesting to see how an explicit expression of this contract would work ... might help us avoid stepping on each others toes in the heightened moments 

Anyway i have a stack of reading to do and learning ... i am keen to understand if this new possible bipolar aspect of her condition could explain some of the times when she's had behaviours for hours to days/weeks where she does things she doesn't always do like: rapid speech, frantic cooking, extreme impatience and nastiness in conversation and daily interactions, forgetfulness, extreme bravado/extraverted behaviour  in social situations, spontaneous spending (like getting a kitten because it approached her in the pet shop), ... just ones that come to mind 

Of course i'm well familiar with the anxiety - not wanting to go out, not wanting to pick up the phone, anticipating social events and pulling out at the last minute, not able to meet new people easily if at all, 

and of course depression - lots of sleeping, not getting up in the morning early, not enjoying life or motivated to start new things, not looking after the housework, not looking after herself, not wanting to be alive, not able to hold a full time job down, calling in sick to work with endless headaches , endless headaches/migraines

And then there's the endless requests for trips to the chemist to pick up  painkillers, sleeping tablets, muscle relaxants, anti-inflamms to ease her pain/anxiety/sleeplessness... our kitchen drawer looks like a pharmacy ...

Sorry this is my first big whinge - i never want to say this stuff in front of her or to anyone that knows us as i don't want judgement or solutions or pity or pep talks... this is just our life... i'm not sure how much better it can be ... i'm not sure how much better i can be ... and maybe one day she will have had enough and will end herself... maybe i don't blame her... i just dread that moment... i really love her and don't want to be in this life without her ... she is my world ... my favorite person ... honestly i have never met another person i love as much as her... but i can see that for her living is an ordeal - an hourly / daily ordeal ... i can see her patience wearing thinner as the years go on (this year is 19 yrs for us)...

anyway tearing up now... sorry for dumping... thanks for listening...  

[Maple]

Oh my god! I feel for the first time someone else is really experiencing what I do with my partner. I have lived for years thinking my husband of 16 years was having difficulty because of me.... The episodes drinking, the inability to get out of bed for days, many of the behaviours you describe including manic shopping sprees and he has now not been working for 10 months after beeing diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression last July.

I have being seeing a Phsycotherapist to help me with his behaviours and my reactions to them. I have been in tears too reading your entry. The hardest thing I am finding is that I feel I am always trying to accommodate his illness but I struggle when so much of my life is difficult in trying to help him but he dosent seem to try to help himself. He was put on mediaction by his GP and a management plan setup to include visits to a Psychologist. But that only lasted a couple of months and he took himself off medication and stopped visits to the GP and Psychologist.

Sometimes he really can help himself and sometimes he can't. I really wonder if he has BPD too. Especially after reading about its symptoms.

Dont think I am much help to your situation but I hear what you are saying and how hard it can be.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Sophie1

same here , My husband was diagnosed with generalised anxiety and Clinical  depression  now the doctors are thinking it is  bipolar ll

Hi @CherryBomb, @NikNik, @Lucky2015