Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

I am feeling that my life at the moment is crap.  I am so depressed and find that more so in the mornings.  I hate myself so much, the way I feel, the way I act and behave. I know people will say to me 'oh just get over it' or 'you're not trying hard enough' - well to those people who say that:  Do you have a mental illness; do you know what it's like to have depression and feel so dark that you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel; do you self harm to get rid of your emotions and to feel the pain; or do you think about suicide because it's all too much and you can't handle the pain anymore - NO.  So don't tell me to just 'move on' or 'stop being too sensitive'.

I am not having a good morning this morning; tears are flowing as i am typing. And I have to get ready for work; damn work.  Sometimes I wonder if life is worth living and why?

I really don't know how i am going go today at work; I feel so depressed. 😞

[Mosaic]

Hi @BlueBay 

I’m really sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you at the moment. It can be so frustrating when people just tell you to 'get over it'. *rolls eyes* If only it was that easy, right? Be gentle with yourself today. Remember you can call or chat online with these services if you continue to feel bad:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat
Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Getting ready in the morning when you already feel so low is not an easy feat... Did you manage to make it to work today? I wonder do you find work a helpful distraction, or does it tend to leave you feeling worse? Take care of yourself today 🙂

[BlueBay]

Hi @Mosaic

I struggled today at work.  I hate putting on a brave face for everyone, i am really sick of it.  I got to work and after an hour I broke down.  The pharmacist noticed I wasn't right and called me to have a chat with me.  He asked if i was okay and i got emotional and said no i wasn't.  i told him i am very anxious about one of the girls leaving and i will end up with more work and responsibility. That i don't want. and i told him i was worried that i would get the sack because of my mental illness.  he said that will definitely not happen.

I tend to have moments of feeling just okay at work and then feeling like i want to run away and hide from everyone.

It's so hard to get through all of this; my depression and anxiety and constant negative thinking.  i really don't know how to move forward anymore.

[NikNik]

Hi @BlueBay
Sorry to hear work was such a struggle. You mentioning not knowing how to move forward anymore - I think you made great steps forward today. Talking to the pharmacist at work is a huge step.
It's wonderful he was able to reassure you that you won't lose your job.

You're doing so well to push through.

You may have posted this elsewhere, but how are you finding your current treatment?

[BlueBay]

Hi @NikNik

Thank you for your comments.  It's hard to see any positives when feeling so depressed. I tend to look at all the negatives.

My anxiety is still high because I fear so much of what will happen at work in the next few weeks.  With one shop girl leaving it only leaves me and they will need to replace her; but the problem is I don't want anymore responsibility like what she had.  And this is leaving me with terrible anxiety.

I think I will speak with the supervisor of the pharmacy who is supposed to come in next week.  I need to let him know that I do not want more hours or responsibility.  He knows of my depression and I will tell him that I don't want to lose my job either because of my illness.

I had a session with my DBT therapist last Tuesday.  We are going through mindfulness and my homework for this week is to just be mindful.  Sit on a chair and close my eyes and breathe, listen to the noises inside and outside, do this without judgement.  I am only to do 5 minutes and hopefully build up on the time.  This is so hard to do when my mind races with all my thoughts, negative thoughts.  It's hard to stop it.  But I am giving it a go.

I get so scared at times that I will fail; I will not be able to do what I have to do; I fear so much of not getting better,.

I don't know what to think, I am trying, i guess that's all i can do for now. 

[NikNik]

That's awesome @BlueBay - giving mindfulness a shot is a great step forward.

Don't be too hard on yourself if the activity doesn't go to plan. The whole 'without judgement' thing is about not being hard on yourself if your mind wander. Just notice it and lead it back to where you want it to be. 

There's no failure in this activity.

It's great that you're going to talk to the supervisor. Let us know how it goes.

What I have noticed about you @BlueBay is that you seek to reduce your anxiety by talking to people who can assist. Your work collegue, the pharmasist, your treating team & now your supervisor. That takes a lot of strength. You should be really proud of that!

Nik

[BlueBay]

Thank you @NikNik

Compliments are really hard to accept - but - thankyou 🙂

[supernova]

Hi @BlueBay,

Sorry you’ve been feeling so down lately. It’s good to hear you’ve been giving mindfulness a go. It certainly is a difficult practice to get used to. It’s really unlike anything other kind of activity. I remember when I was first getting acquainted with it, just sitting for 5 minutes felt like an eternity, my mind was very busy and I often felt frustrated and discouraged. But like Nik said, there really is no failure in this. And I think you have a great attitude about it. It’s not easy, but you seem to be giving it a really earnest go, and that is just so valuable. With time and practise you might find that it gets a bit easier to sit with your thoughts. Please don’t beat yourself up about it, you’re doing great. I know you said compliments are hard to accept, but I think you deserve the support. You’re really trying hard and that’s often what matters most.

Go easy on yourself today!
supernova.

[BlueBay]

Hi @supernova

I am trying to be mindful especially when i am upset. But at times when i am so emotional i feel that i can't be mindful because my emotions take over.

I find it difficult to receive compliments from people.  I tend to brush it off very quickly and never accept it as it is.  I don't know why; maybe I am so down in my self esteem that I don't love myself or accept myself as I am.

I am just doing the best i can at the moment. Each day is different, i just hope that one day i will have more positive days than negative. 

[BlueBay]

Why is it that i struggle so much on my day off.  It is so nice and sunny yet i can't bring myself to go outside for a walk.  i live not far from the beach but still struggle.  I drove to the shop to buy dinner before and could have easily stopped at the beach for a walk - but - i didn't.  

i am not coping today.  I struggle so much to get motivation and then it makes me angry and i get frustrated. it just goes round and round in circles.

just wish this would all go away and i could lead a happy life.  but it's not happy and i am not happy.  damn i am so angry with myself for not being able to even go for a simple walk.