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hope77
Senior Contributor

brother Inlaw funeral

Hey, Everyone. feeling very anxious today. Found out my brother- in - law passed away. Funeral Friday. feel I have to go out of respect. have not met him. but respect the fact that he was my sister's husband. The trouble is this sister has caused me a lot of problems. And never help me through events that happen when my husband was going through Cancer. he is in Remission now. I dealt with all by myself with not even a phone call from any of my Family and at the time my this sister didn't have anywhere to stay so I took her in and look after her emotionally and physically. She caused problems with my son as well as my husband and her criticism of me daily eventually I had to ask her to leave. Should I go out of respect or will this be seen as false 

8 REPLIES 8

Re: brother Inlaw funeral

Dear hope 77. I think, if it was me I would perhaps just send a card. My hubby and I parted late last year after 25 years, due to his parents constant harassing me. I am extremely close to his sister, who is dying of cancer. I have requested to my ex if his sister passes, I would like to attend the funeral out of love for her. In your case, the fact that you and sister were not close and she caused a lot of emotional problems I see no reason for you to feel obligated in any way. You did not know him, so the fact that you respect who he was and how he was related to you, doesn't really enter the equation. As I said, under the circumstances I think I would just send a sympathy card, invite sister to contact you, should she want to and leave it at that. I am sorry for your situation, but if you were to go, how would your sister be with you, that's another way to look at it.

Re: brother Inlaw funeral

which much thought and argument with husband. I will go to the funeral but only to the church service. then I'll come home. times like this I think I need to put the past in the past and deal with the present situation. Do love my sister enough to do that. 

Re: brother Inlaw funeral

Dear hope77. Somehow I had a feeling you would attend the funeral. Perhaps attending the service only would be the right thing. Just hope all goes well with your sister and you. Keep in mind your sister could be a bit angry about the loss. People who are in mourning often lash out. Grief affects everyone differently. Some people retreat, some lash out. If she lashes, forgive her and tell her you love her. Lashing out at others who are happily married just means she's angry because her marriage has ended in the worst way. She is going to need support and understanding. I am sorry for her loss and totally understand your need to be there for her. Obviously you do love her in spite.

Re: brother Inlaw funeral

I do love her, I just wish our parents had taught us to apologise to each other. I feel always the person who goes on forgiving to spite what they say and do to me. Just have dig a bit deeper for the day. without resentment 

Re: brother Inlaw funeral

Well got up at 6am to go to the funeral drove a long way to pick up my brother. and then he told me my sister does not want me there because she does not want any tension on the day. as if I would cause any problems for her especially today her husband's funeral (ain't family fun) I'm mainly angry because she hurt my husband. so dropped my brother off. and came home. I think the fact that she said it invited only as thou we were the scum of the earth is what hurt me. My other sister sent the invite to me. It's so hard to live without the support of my sisters and family. but I'm sure there are people who do?

Re: brother Inlaw funeral

Yes @hope77 I have a "sister" whom I adored and cared for a lot throughout her life.  She is 11 years younger than I, and I babysat and took her to theatre activities and holidays. We all spoilt her a bit I guess. She had a completely different experience of life and my mother to we 4 older siblings. Still I loved her and then forgave and forgave and the 77x7 biblical quote was brought up a lot.  It would have been a lot better for me if I realised the depth and stubborness of her hostility a lot earlier .... but I am what I am ... and kept reaching out not really comprehending.  Since I have detached in the last 5 years it has been better for me. I am inwardly more prepared to deal with my disappointment in her stances if I have to meet her for extended family.

Take care @hope77

Re: brother Inlaw funeral

Hope77. I'm so sorry this happened. however, having said that, perhaps give it a bit of time for your sister to start readjusting, then a quick call to say 'hi'. You mentioning apologizing, sometimes when people apologize it's because it's expected, not because they want to. If your sister did apologize, I would have to wonder why. I'm afraid I would also question the apology itself. I too tried to forgive people when things cruel, hurtful comments were made. It can be hard to constantly forgive, then get it thrown back. Maybe, at this stage, acceptance that you and sister are estranged, you may reconcile, may not. If you don't, try to focus on you and the sort of person you are. She has to come to terms with her loss and this could take time. She's suddenly without her spouse, she's had a shock. Perhaps contact your brother ask how the funeral went.


Re: brother Inlaw funeral

@hope77
I feel for you.
Keep strong your Hearts in the right place.
Unfortunately i chose to break away from my family & daughter inlaw.
They havent made my life pleasant at all.
One family member in particular.
Always when i mentioned i wasnt feeling well.
They would say, are you on your meds.
I comment that meds help.
Though they dont change your issues or your thinking patterns.
If only we could switch those thoughts off.
I wish you well.
And Hope you feel stronger soon.
Since i chose the way things will be with those family members & extended ones.
I am less Stressed & feel really posative in my life.
I am also very Greatful to have my Beautiful Caring Friends that are always their for me.
Take care 😇
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